My family is falling apart

I really need help.

Back in January, my mom left my dad for a man she met on the internet. He has no job and is drinking all their money away. She is now trying to take my dad for anythign she can get all so she can support her asshole bf who does nothing all day long. My dad is really freaking out. My brothers are wrecks and Im trying to keep it together. I dont know what will get through to her. My brother and I decided to write her a letter together but we dont think that will help. We are trying to keep things together and she is ruining everything. Im worried for my dad who wont go get help...Im worried for my brothers who no longer have a mom or a reliable dad and Im worried I cant keep it all together.

Help...please


anything

I would suggest going to a social service agency to see if anyone can lead you to resources that may be able to help you and your family. Or if you are a member of a church, go and talk to the pastor?

Good luck

BE26

Ya...that is a good idea...Im not to sure to really know what to look for in the way of social help. Im all for counseling. The guys arent. Im very worried Im going to come home one day and find my dad dead or something. Hes drinking himself into a stupor right now. My bro is in his room crying...hes 15.


My dads a die hard agnostic...my bros would be more open to church than him. Maybe I will just take them to get some help...

I agree that some family counseling is needed right away. Your dad is obviously under tremendous pressure, but he needs to pull himself together to take care of his family.

He also needs a good lawyer, right away. If you don't know one or know how to find one, call the bar association in the nearest large city for a list of referrals.

Im trying to push him to a lawyer but he says he cant afford one...I know there are services out there that can help with things like that but he wont do it. I cant get him to go to counseling either. Im thinking about just taking my brothers. He will not go. I have been trying to get him to go for while...

I dont mean to be one of those obnoxious people who say BUT THAT WONT work at every turn...Im just really at my last end here....

If you are in school check with student affairs for a referal to organizations which may want to help you. Then you can figure out if you can help your father.

There are several stages one must pass through when something like this happens, including denial and depression. When someone is stuck there, somtimes nothing can be done for them. They have to choose to start moving again through the healing process.

Not to push church, but ours gives a "Divorce Recovery Workship" every quarter. It's not religious at all. It helps people identify the healing process and gives them some support and encouragement to start getting their life moving again.

I'm sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. I'm sure it must be extremely hard for everyone involved. Since your father refuses to get help, get help for yourself and your brothers. Maybe if he sees you and your brothers making progress he might reconsider.

Writing a letter to your mother is a good idea, IMO. If it doesn't work, and as hard as this may be, you might consider cutting off all contact with her. It might make her wake up and realize all she's missing because of this loser.

If you're working, you may check into services offered through them. I know that Sam's Club and Office Depot both have programs for employees and family members.

As far as social services go, I'd suggest calling your local dept. of children and families. If they can't help you out, I'm sure they'd be willing to point you in the right direction.

I hope things get better for you and your family.

lovechild27 said:

Im trying to push him to a lawyer but he says he cant afford one...I know there are services out there that can help with things like that but he wont do it. I cant get him to go to counseling either. Im thinking about just taking my brothers. He will not go. I have been trying to get him to go for while...

I dont mean to be one of those obnoxious people who say BUT THAT WONT work at every turn...Im just really at my last end here....

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Okay...first things first, lovechild.

You cannot help them until you help yourself. You are a very intelligent woman...you already know what I just told you. But YOU is easy to forget when you are trying to hold it all together and the whole thing is going to hell.

It seems, from what you have posted about this situation, that you are the 'rock' right now...you are the one who has it the most together. You are the one everyone else turns to...you are the caretaker, peacemaker, compassionate ear. In order to be that, you have to have incredible strength. And sometimes strength needs help.

Get yourself into counseling. And I don't mean, make an appointment and wait a few weeks...I mean, NOW. Simply talking with someone who is impartial and can offer a different insight is going to help. Hell, simply saying these things out loud in an atmosphere where you can let go is going to do you a world of good.

Keep trying to get them into counseling, but in the meantime, do it for YOU. If you are going to be the rock in the midst of that storm, you have to have a firm anchor...and going to that counseling session will be the best investment in that strength that you can possibly make.

I'll be thinking of you, hon.

S.

You are in my prayers...

I would agree with what most people have said.
I will tell you that when a mate leaves you, many people go thru some serious depression and many times drugs or drinking is what they use to ease their pain.
Please go to counseling for you right now. Also tell your dad your brothers are falling apart and need to talk to someone. You really can not just take them without some adult oking it. Matter of fact most counselors will not talk to minors without a parents ok, so your dad needs to know what is happening to the boys. If he will not go for himself there is not much you can do. There is a grief process that he will have to go thru and sometimes this will go on for awhile and then he will come thru ok.
The fact that your mom walked out on you all and left the boys alone with your dad will not go over well in the courts. I have a friend who's wife did the same thing to him and his kids. The courts ruled in his favor. Yes your dad does need to see a lawyer and some will work out a payment plan, but I would say that your mom who has no money is not going to be able to get a lawyer either if she has no job or money, so legal issues are not the urgent crisis at this time. However, your brothers mental well being is.
And one thing you have to realize, you can be there for your family, BUT YOU CAN NOT HEAL THINGS OR MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
That is something you can not do. All you can do is be there of them and support them and love them.
As far as writing your mom a letter I think writing someting would be good for you. To get it out on paper what you are feeling. However, I am not so sure sending it will do any good. Your mom has made her choices and she has choosen someone other then your dad and you kids. So, the best thing you can do is let her go and take care of the wounded.
Counseling is the most important thing you can do right now.
And I also suggest... prayer. In times like this, He is there for you.
You all will be in my prayers and if you need to vent or need someone to talk to, I am here for you.

LoveChild first of all, Legal aide will help him. That is what they are there for and he can make payments and they will base the fee on his income. Because there are minors in the house, he needs a lawyer now.

Counciling is a good idea. Especially for the rock. Trust me on this one I know. It is hard to be both parents for siblings and that is what you are doing even if you don't realize it at the moment.

You will need parental consent from your father to get it for minor siblings. He needs to put the bottle down and pick up the phone. You need to tell him that. He will tell you that he doesn't want to talk about it or try to walk away every time you bring it up.

Tell him that if he doesn't want to get help that is fine, but that you are NOT going to stand by and watch your siblings be made to live in the same house with asshole boyfriend.

Stand your ground on that last one. Sometimes you have to jar them out of the denial and anger stage.

From one "rock" to another.

I support what Sheath said. Another thing to remember is, if this letter to your mum does not work, leave it at that as to push only results in most situations into pushing them into defensiveness and a need to justify and prove themselves by continueing to live in that same situation or worse. She has to be the one to decide enough is enough.

Catalina

Frankly, I agree with Spencer more than anyone.

You are putting yourself in a position that you cannot win from. Period. You cannot save your mother. You cannot save your father. Period. All you can attempt to do is to try to salvage your minor brother(s).

Your mother? Hate to say it, but she has decided to abandon her children and her marriage. She has made her own bed and she will have to lie in it. Write her a letter? Whatever for? To let her know......what, exactly? That you're pissed? That you're disappointed? That you're mad? What? What are you going to tell her that she either doesn't already suspect or will refuse to acknowledge? Writing down your feelings is a good thing. Relaying those feelings to her will only cause you more heartache. Deep down inside you will expect her to respond positively, and she won't.

Your father needs, quite frankly, a good hard slap in the face. He needs to wake up from his stupor and deal with reality. Normally, I would say if one wants to drink himself to death, fine and be done with it. But he has minor children in the home and simply cannot afford to engage in self-pity. Not now. If your father is drinking heavily when your minor brother(s) are in the home, then I would call Social Services and report it. Depending on how bad the situation is, they may elect to get involved. If that happens, if your father gets to the point where he is not able to care for the children adequately, the threat to take the kids from him could very well be real. This might (might!) be enough to wake him up. Not only would he lose a wife, he also stands to lose his children.

Your father needs a lawyer, and NOW! The excuse of "I can't afford one" is simply translated as "I don't want the marriage to end." Yes, lawyers are expensive, but many take payments. Your father has custody of the kids - your mother walked out. That's big in the eyes of the court. A parent who abandons their minor children is not thought well of - by any judge. Marital assets will have to be split, depending on where you live. But hey, that happens in any divorce. However, by retaining the minor children, your father is entitled to an extra measure of the assets. In other words, if there is a home in the mix, he gets to keep it and your mother may very well have to buy him out or even make child support payments. Actually, your father could be the one coming out on top with this. But if he doesn't want his marriage to end, it ain't gonna happen. Only a lawyer can help him protect his assets, and that is why he needs one immediately.

However, if your mother won't come to her senses, and your father refuses to get legal help, there is simply nothing you can do. Nada. Zip. If you are on your own (out of the house), then maintain your living condition, and let your brothers know they are welcome to stay with you. However, be cautious: if your minor brothers live with you and you are not their guardian, things can get sticky.

You are not responsible for the actions of your parents. And, more importantly, you cannot "fix" them. They've made this mess, they will have to get through it. Often there always seems to be one person in a family who wants to be the "rock" - it's not a position that others place that person in, they undertake it themselves. And it gives them grief. If you are doing this, then you will be the only one worrying. Take care of yourself and be there for your brothers. Your parents? Not your responsibility unless/until one or both come to their senses.

Thanks guys...so much


Your right...I cant fix everything. I cant save my parents, change the way my dad reacts to this or make my mom like she used to be. Im not supergirl. Im going to talk to someone at school today.

My dad keeps saying "Arizona is a 50/50 state! there is nothing I can do!"
I dont belive that for a second....there HAS to be something he could do. I know my mom has assets she needs to split with him as well. I dont know if he is just panicing or not thinking right or what...Im actually going to talk with someone I know who is a lawyer and see if she has any advice she could offer...Im hoping that maybe if my dad hears that he can get out of this not screwed over, he will find some help. Are there any services out there that can offer discounted lawyer rates? I think that is the only way he will go to one. He needs legal help and he wont listen to anyone. He thinks he can just read things online and figure it out himself. I dont think it works like that though...

The letter to my mom....I think it would make me feel better. But what woudl come of it...I dont know. Last time I tried to talk to her about the issue, she told me I didnt need a mother anymore. I probably wont get a good reply back. She doesnt seem to care what her kids think, or that none of us wants to see her. When she comes over my brothers leave so they dont have to see her. Its pretty sad but she still wont get the clue.


Thanks so much for all the support guys. Im going to take smoe of your advice.

Lovechild....if that letter makes you feel good, then write it!! You don't have to send it unless you want to!! Writing is a wonderful tool, use it to the fullest.

I agree with others, take care of you first right now..... seek that help, use all the resources you can find and let others help you too. Ask for the help from them, I know that can be hard, but you need more than you have right now.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!

Wishing you peace,

Cate

Lovechild, I apologize if I came across harshly, but I hate it when parents screw up and kids (even adult kids) feel like they have to fix things.

Online divorce information is not very helpful, imo. Very generic, and pretty much, once you've read one state, you've pretty much read them all. Only a lawyer can truly dicipher and find out what the truth is. Yes, Arizona is a community property state - most are. That does mean equal splits of marital assests. Exceptions usually are: property owned before marriage, gifts, and inheritances. However, if one of the spouses attempts to conceal or hide assests, the courts deal harshly with that spouse.

A very important factor? Your mother walked out on minor children. This is going to hurt her. If she's trying to get money from your father to support her b/f, think of how difficult her life will be when the court orders her to pay child support to your father. My guess would be b/f would kick her to the curb if he finds out the golden goose is gonna have to pay out to an ex. Just my opinion.

Definitely talk to some one about the legalities. I would also try legal aide. They can't do everything, but they can offer advice and referrals. It can only help.

Good luck!

Chele, you werent harsh...you were right...I really cant win. I have to sit back and let it all go by because I cant really change anyone. I cant make things magically happen for my mom or dad. She lost her damn mind and ran away...nothing we say to her brings her back. Wether it be her mental illness (severe bipolar disorder) a midlife crisis, ect. moved her to this, anything we say just has no effect on her. My dad isnt being all that smart either. He is being TOO nice. Hes like I love her still...I hate her...but I love her still. He is being wayyy to nice. He wont make her sign over custody, ask her for more child support (she is only giving him 240 a month for two teenage boys...) I dont know how much it should be but that doesnt seem right to me...he is a wuss.

I just wish I had a magic wand and I could fix everything for everyone...

I am going to weigh in on Chele's side with this one. Yes your family needs counciling, but your family no longer includes your mother.

Your father needs to face the fact that she's gone, not coming back and get himself a lawyer. He needs to put her feelings off to the side and go for blood. If he doesn't, then at some future date she can come back at him via the courts and he'll not be able to defend against it. He needs to get it down now that she's abandoned him, and her kids into the court records. He needs to get the courts to understand and recognize those facts. The courts will not be so willing then at a later date to recognize any claim she puts forth.

Your brother needs help now, check with social services for family counciling. Do NOT mix up counciling with religious counciling. The last thing he needs at this point is for the issues to get muddied by bringing religion into it.

Unfortunately for all around, the only way any one of you are going to get over this is by accepting the fact that your mother was cruel and uncaring and totally selfish in leaving the way she did. She's written off her family for this guy, now its time for your family to write her off. Perhaps in the future there can be a reconciliation, but thats in the future. Today everyone needs to face the fact that she's gone, she did something without any regard to the pain she'd cause, and isn't coming back.

Your letter idea might have a cathartic effect, but I suspect its a complete waste of time and energy.

My suggestion is a simple one. Get your father alone and read him the riot act. He needs to get his shit together and he isn't doing that. Your mother has abrogated her responsibilities to her family, and in a way, so has he. He has a family that needs him more than ever and despite the pain he is feeling, that need won't go away by ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist. Yell at him, scream at him, do what ever it takes to make him understand his family needs him and his actions are only making the situation worse. Its not going to be easy, its not going to be fun. But somehow you've got to get through his pain to show him the pain his son is feeling and what you are feeling.

Bobmi357 said:

My suggestion is a simple one. Get your father alone and read him the riot act. He needs to get his shit together and he isn't doing that. Your mother has abrogated her responsibilities to her family, and in a way, so has he. He has a family that needs him more than ever and despite the pain he is feeling, that need won't go away by ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist. Yell at him, scream at him, do what ever it takes to make him understand his family needs him and his actions are only making the situation worse. Its not going to be easy, its not going to be fun. But somehow you've got to get through his pain to show him the pain his son is feeling and what you are feeling.

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This is a good idea. However, I think after all this time, his daughter yelling and throwing a fit on him won't carry much weight. However...an 'intervention' might.

Not just you, lovechild, but many who love and care for your father. Explain the situation to them and invite them to the same place, at the same time, and make sure your father is there. A force of many as opposed to a force of one makes a difference.

It has worked in the past for addicts and alcoholics...not saying that your father IS those things, I don't see anything that says he is...but he has a problem, regardless, and he has to "snap out of it" and deal with reality. He can't do that right now. So he needs friends, family, loved ones to provide the swift kick in the ass to get him moving in the right direction again.

If you can possibly afford it, having an attorney present at this meeting would be very, very helpful.

S.

lovechild27 said:

Wether it be her mental illness (severe bipolar disorder) a midlife crisis, ect.

I just wish I had a magic wand and I could fix everything for everyone...

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You mentioned that your mother has bi polar disorder. Things like this can happen with adults who suffer from manic depression. I imagine that growing up in a home where a parent has bi polar can be very dificult and you may have been in the role of having to be the 'rock' before. Below is a good informational web site on bi polar and it has links to online support groups for family members of bipolar individuals. You may want to check out the resources. I agree with most every one in that you should seek counciling for your self.

If you ever need an ear you can always PM me, I have had bi bolar individuals in my family and when I was in high school my family went througha lot of problems because of it.

More than anything realize that you can't change the situation, it is not your responsibility.

http://www.geocities.com/bipolar2u/main.html

I hope things work out well for you and you family.