Getting people past their own issues....

so they can see yours.


I know that sounds selfish. Let me explain.


My parents raised me with very happy ideals. A few examples:

Always do a job that you love. Even if it's just part-time, if you can't find joy in it, don't bother with it.

If you find yourself so in love, it is better to get married and avoid living in sin, than to wait, and get into a sinful life.

If you find someone you love enough to marry, marry.

And finally, happiness is paramount. If you can find a way to be happy, without hurting other people, life is grand.


So. What's the problem? My parents got their divorce finalized in January (on my birthday). My mother and father were unhappy for 20 years.. she was 21 when she got married. She had no education. She had nothing to fall back on. She worked very hard in her 30's and 40's to GET educated, and climbed in the business world, to a point where head-hunters (job-wise) search for her, because she's so good at what she does. She's fabulously intelligent, resourceful, etc. I have MASSIVE respect for my mom.

But.

My mom has, in the past, put her own issues onto me. When she was really unhappy, she ate, when she ate, she got unhappy with her appearance, and started harping on mine, which led to 8 years of verbal abuse about weight. I understand why she did it, and I thought she'd gotten past all of that.

I'm 4 exams away from having the initials B.A. after my name. I'm interviewing for jobs right now.. not careers, jobs. I plan on going back to school in a year and a half for a law or business degree. But I'd like to work full-time and save up in the meantime. Makes sense. So I'm interviewing right now, and there's this job that I have the potential of getting.. it pays beautifully, has good benefits, blah blah blah... but it's not something I can see myself loving. It's something I'd hate going to day after day. It's something that I just... can't imagine DOING for a year and a half. Y'know? And my parents always raised me to find something you love and run with it. My mother is telling me now to put aside my ideals and take what I can get. This just doesn't sound like her.

Secondly, my SO and I are seriously talking about marriage. And I WANT to get married. We love each other, and we think we can do it... *smile*... My dad has given his blessing (I haven't been proposed to yet, but he told my SO that he would be proud to call him 'son', if it were to ever develop to that). My mother is telling me to wait. Wait until I have my next degree (by which time I'll be like, 30). Wait until I've got more set up, financially, career-wise, educationally.

I am 4 exams away from a degree. I HAVE a degree, basically. Not the most useful one, but one that has taught me a lot of life-skills, and has made me a contributing member of society.

I understand why she is saying these things.. it's because she doesn't want me making the mistakes she did. I understand that. It's because she has her own insecurities about where she is right now, living alone, and having had to work at degrees in later life. It's because she is unhappy in her personal life right now.

But it feels like her unhappiness is clouding the way she's viewing MINE. Like she's looking at my life as if it were a mirror image of hers, and that my happiness will be temporary, my happiness will not really be happiness, but just some facade. I am TRULY happy with my SO. I could not ask for better in a man. And we want to start a life together as Mr and Mrs in the not-too-distant future... but it feels like my mother, because of her own jadedness and insecurities, is denying me a blessing that, had she had a happier life, she'd be glad to give... and it doesn't feel fair...

*sigh*


I don't know.. I guess I just ... needed to vent.... but... how DO you get someone to see past their troubles, in order to view your issues in the correct light?

Thanks if you have any ideas.. I understand if you don't...

Vixen if any advise at all i can give is do what makes YOU happy!this goes both prof. and personally! good luck!

vixenshe said:

But it feels like her unhappiness is clouding the way she's viewing MINE. Like she's looking at my life as if it were a mirror image of hers, and that my happiness will be temporary, my happiness will not really be happiness, but just some facade. I am TRULY happy with my SO. I could not ask for better in a man. And we want to start a life together as Mr and Mrs in the not-too-distant future... but it feels like my mother, because of her own jadedness and insecurities, is denying me a blessing that, had she had a happier life, she'd be glad to give... and it doesn't feel fair...

Click to expand...

I understand how you feel. And no, it is not selfish, though sometimes you probably feel as though it is.

My grandmother was married to my grandfather for 53 years, until his death in 1997. From as early as I can recall, they slept in separate bedrooms. They got along well enough, but there was always a tension between the two of them. When I was a teenager, I asked my grandmother why they slept in separate rooms, not realizing the can of worms I would open with that question.

Seems shortly after my mother was born in the late 50s, my grandfather had an affair. From the night my grandmother learned of his infidelity, they slept separately. FOR 40 YEARS. By the time my grandfather passed away, my grandmother's bitterness had waned, but she still tries to pass on her beliefs to me:

That men absolutely cannot be faithful.
That men are built to cheat, and they will, without exception.
That promises are nothing but lies.
That financial security is more important than love.
That a woman turns the other cheek in order to preserve her family name.
That fairy tales do exist, but to never expect it to happen to you; it always happens to someone else.

My grandmother firmly believes in this. When I divorced my now-ex husband, my grandmother threw a FIT. She demanded to know why I couldn't turn the other cheek when it came to the long hours he worked, the other women he slept with, and the different directions in which we had grown. She actually told me...and still tells me, to this day...that I need to go back to him, beg forgiveness, and just be a good housewife, because what else did I expect the man to do? He's just like all the rest, she says...

Now, heaven knows I DO NOT believe those things. I don't believe men are horrible creatures; in fact, my beliefs are probably the polar opposite of my grandmother's. But she keeps pushing them on me, and no matter what happiness I find, she continues to push...

The point is...it is something so deeply embedded within her, from a dream that shattered so harshly, that she cannot believe any other way. She does NOT have the ability to look at me and say, 'It will work out.' She sees life as being all about settling for what you are handed, not making your own way.

I guess what I'm saying is that your mom might not change. She might never see the world the way she used to, and she will probably never be able to give you her full blessing...simply because those blessings were given to her once, and it ended in a way that broke a part of her spirit. It isn't fair. To her, or to you. But maybe it just IS.

It hurts more than you can explain, I'm sure. And then, if you are anything like me, you feel selfish because she has been through so much, you should understand, and you DO...but dammit, you NEED to hear those words of encouragement. You need them so badly.

I had to just accept that my grandmother will never be able to view my happiness or my choices in a good light. She will always be seeing the tragedy waiting just around the corner. So, very recently, we just agreed to disagree and not bring it up again. It hurts. But I just keep reminding her that I am happy, and in the end, I guess that is enough. It has to be.



S.

Can you speak freely with your Mom? If so, I would remind her of the ideals she instilled all through your life, and that it is your life, not hers.
Let her know you're not trying to be hurtful, you just want her to be happy for you and your choices, and that they are your choices. And that if , heaven forbid, something goes wrong down the line, it is your mistake to make, not hers. Always reassuring the love you have for her as a mother for the sacrifices or hardships she's had to endure.

I do know it's not always as easy as it sounds - I'm lucky I guess - I can say anything to my Mom, and she will always listen. She might not agree with some choices, but she understands it's my life. Good communication is the key to ALL relationships.

You have my warmest wishes - good luck!

You are in my thoughts

But let me just say, that you know why your mom is acting the way she is. And to be honest, I doubt seriously that what you say to her is going to change her feelings.
So, the best thing to do is, love her, tell her thank you for your imput and your thoughts and I will consider them, and then do what you think is right for you.
You are past the age where Mom and Dad need to tell you what to do, you have learned what to do. The best thing you can do is take what you can from what they taught you, and use it the best you can for your life. You are doing more then what she did when she got married and you are doing what you feel you should. When it comes right down to it, there is only one person you have to please in your choices. YOU! Because if you do not do what you feel you should do, then you will always live with regrets and that is a very sad place to live. Love your mom, but Live your life.

Ditto

What Spencer said.

A typical question a counselor might ask is "What can you change about YOU that will smooth this over?" Don't worry about Mom. She can take care of herself, and that's what you have to focus on.

Sounds like your family has generally weak boundaries, like many other families. Work on developing and defending your own boundaries. Good luck, and push on!

live your life as if it's yours....because it is -

and it's the only one you'll ever have

Not sure why you're so surprised your Mom isn't big on marriage...yours or any ones...since she just got divorced a few months ago. It's hard to look passed grieving over your own hopes and dreams as that part of your life is shattered. Hopefully eventually she'll come to a better place about it but right now it makes complete sense to me. Reminds me how I went to my cousin's wedding 2 weeks after I separated from my husband...I was polite and kept my opinions to myself but truly wasn't really in a joyous mood listening to the marriage vows. (OK that's an understatement...I was pretty cynical.)

Strange you say your parents taught you to enjoy life to its fullest and being happy is paramount and yet it seems to have backfired a bit on them...with your Mom being unhappy enough to soothe herself in food, and being stuck in a marriage because she didn't have the means to support herself to get out.

Having said that, I'm not sure her advice is all bad. 4 courses away from a BA does NOT a degree make. If you stop (not suggesting you will) you have nothing formal without that piece of paper. Trust me I have a close friend that stopped 3 courses short of a degree...employers just see that he doesn't have a degree and his job options show it.

If I recall correctly you're fairly young...early 20s perhaps...by some standards that is young to get married. I think the stats for divorce are much higher if you're younger than 25 when you marry. (I'll admit my bias and say I was one of those statistics having married when I was still in school.) Not for me to tell you when you've found the right guy and when to get married, but I don't think it's necessarily bad advice to suggest that someone in their early 20s should give serious consideration to whether they are ready to be married.

On an emotional level though...I understand fully that life seems to be going well for you...and you want your parents to share in your happiness not put a damper on it. Reasonable to wish for it...but not in your control unfortunately. Just do what you think is best...that's all you can do.

As a counsellor, some of the questions I would ask are:


What do you want? What do you need? How will you get it?

Is the new job part of a plan for better things to come?

Is it doable without hurting yourself as in pushing yourself into burn out etc.?

Is there another easier and happier option for you which will achieve the same goal?

Do you have plans and goals which will replace these ones if everything does not work out as you expect?

Is everything your mother says and fears irrational, or is there some value in it which has helped you in constructing your own future, or can help you not fall into the same holes she did?

What compels you to feel pressured by her advice?

What are your fears if you do not follow her advice?

What are your fears if you do?

Can you cope with either outcome?

Do you need her, or anyone's validation and approval, to feel happy and/or secure with your own choices?

If so, why?

What does this tell you about you, your strengths, your weaknesses?

Do you feel you can use this self knowledge positively? How?


Hope it helps a little.


Catalina

As a 21 year old (stop gasping, geeze, I really am that young) coming up on her second wedding anniversary tommorow (yeah us), I know that marriages between "younger" people can work. It takes a solid basis in friendship to make it work but it can work.

Its sad that your mom's non-supportive, but sometimes you have to take what you can get. As Wicked Woman said- your mom just got divorced and so nothing relating to marriage is going to seem good to her till she moves past that.
I know it sucks not to have your mother's full support- mine flat out refused to come to my wedding, even though I offered to pay for a plane ticket, hotel and anything else she needed. Now she thinks my hubby's a doll, that I couldn't have done better and she adores him.
Does your mother know your hubby-to-be well? Perhaps if you let her see how you guys are together- take her out to do something fun, like visit a zoo, miniature golf, something where you two have fun and she can see it. Might help- worse case, she's still against it but you had a good day together.
I wish you good luck and happiness, Vixenshe!

Vix I do sympathise!
I decided when I was all of 19 that I was ready to get married, that I knew, inarguably, and without fail that this was the guy I was destined to spend eternity with. My mother absolutley hit the roof. The product of an unhappy marriage and having had 2 unhappy marriages herself one of which occurred when she was 19 and " in love" she spent the entire week that I announced my enagagement explaining to me how completely useless my groom-to- be was, how I would be throwing my life away for some simple man with no real aspirations who would do nothing but drag me down with him. I was able to tell my mother that she was talking about her life, and not mine. That I was sorry things had turned out so poorly for her but that I thought she needed to have enough faith in how she raised me to believe that I knew what I was doing.
Within a month of my marriage I was pregnant with our first child and decided to drop out of school to become a full time mommy. My mother again harped on how I was throwing my life away and for what, to become some little housewife? She pointed to this as evidence that she was right about my husband bringing me down and how could I have been so careless?
I went back to school 2 years later and this time I changed majors dropping my pre-law program for education. Once more my mother decided to elt me know how badly I was pissing my life away. I'd spent my whole life preparing for law school, I was destined to go to law school damnit so why was I suddenly throwing away a potential "career" for a job that would barely pay my bills every month?

I was patient and quiet for a good while and withstood my mothers barrage of " what were you thinkings?" and " How could you do this?" before I had finally had enough. I called her up one day and asked her what exactly it was I was supposed to have done to fufill her dreams. She told me she didn't want me to fufill HER dreams, but rather my own, that she wanted me to feel happy, to be content and feel as if I had done the best with my life that I knew how. I then told her that if that were really true she needed to back off because I wasn't her and therefore would never be able to correct her mistakes, and I would never be able to live out her dreams. I told her I was sorry that her first marriage at 19 fell apart before the ink on the marriage license was dry but mine hadn't. I told her I was sorry that having kids right away had kept her from her dreams of having a "career" but all having kids had done for me was show me I had made a wrong career choice and point me towards something I truly loved. I told her I was sorry that she spent alot of her adult life feeling miserable and lost, that she had allowed her identity to become absorbed by her marriage, but that I was probably more strong in my own identity now as a wife and mother then I had ever been as a college student going through the motions every day. I told her once again that she needed to let go and trust that I had been raised to be a strong capable woman and that if she didn't think that was the case then maybe she needed to look within herself and find out why.

It was a hard conversation to have but it worked. My mother agreed that even if she thought I was out of my tree for making the choices I did she wouldn't harp or pester or anything else. Instead she would allow me to make my own mistakes and learn from them since in the end it was my life hanging in the balance and not hers.

For the record, my husband and I will have been married 11 years on May 30. We have 3 beautiful children together and a great home. My husband is working on his nursing degree and I'm getting ready to start my Masters of Arts in teaching. I work with kids and love every minute of it and never for one second have I regretted any of the choices I made because I know they're part of what made me the woman I am today.

You've gotten some good advice here already. You are a young woman and with that comes all the responsibilities of adulthood. You have been through a tremendous amount of anguish and have so wonderfully shared with us what you have gone through. Do you realize how far you've come already?

You might find this amusing, but I can remember when you made the decision to move out of your parent's home. You went through a lot of pain over that decision, as I recall, but you made the move that was right for you at the right time. Likewise, I think you'll do the same now.

Yes, you are young in years, but anyone who has read your posts knows that you are not what some consider to be "the typical young 20-something." You have substance and intelligence. And I think you already know the path you want to take. Finishing your degree within, what, a month? No small accomplishment - no matter what the degree is in.

As for the job you know you won't like? Okay. You state you will do it for a year and a half until you've saved up some money. That's a pretty small amount of time, in the larger scheme of things. And there is nothing that says you can't look for another job while doing this one, is there? Yes, I know. We would all love to be doing jobs that we love, singing all the way to work. I've had jobs I've loved, and jobs I've hated, and the ones I've loved were definitely more satisfying. But rent has to be paid, and that annoying car insurance payment just keeps coming! Then again, I've had jobs that I like (such as now) where I go through periods of just hating to wake up and face another day. But it passes, and something good comes along. Eh, such is life. Accept the job, do the best you can, keep in mind it is only for a limited time, and keep your eyes and ears open for something else.

As to marriage? I've known of 18 year olds who married and stayed together until well into their 70s and 80s. I've know 20 year olds who divorced within 3 years. And I've known 50 year olds who are looking for their 5th husband. Age has very little to do with marriage. Maturity, values, and knowing each other have more to do with making a marriage work. I've gone to weddings of people in their 30s knowing it wasn't going to work because one or both were completely immature. You and your S/O have been together for quite some time now. I doubt your father would give his blessing if he had any doubt that your happiness would be in jeopardy, right? Your S/O has stayed with you through so much and stood by you - that takes a very mature person. Are you ready for marriage? Truly, only you can answer that question.

How to get your mother over her issues? You won't, hon. Sad to say. Maybe one day, maybe never. Don't stop your life because she won't/can't accept your decisions. If you never go back to school, if you get stuck in a job you hate, and even if you were to divorce before you're 30, it is your life, your decisions, your consequences. No one could have lived your mother's life, just as no one can live yours. So live your life, girl!!

And super congrats on finishing that degree!!!

Vixen...do what makes you happy.

You are close to one degree already. Thats awesome! (and im mighty jealous...lol.) You have a great guy...you are happy now. Maybe this job that you can have right out of school wont make you overly joyous. But it IS temporary. It is to get yourself to a better place and sometimes you have to suck it up to get to where you wanna go.

Do what makes YOU happy. If you feel in your heart this is the right thing to do, do it. You only live once! good luck! I wish for nothing but very good things for you.

Vixen,
You can't live your mother's life, you can only live your own. That includes doing what others might consider mistakes. The path to personal happiness can't be mapped out by your parents, they can only provide you with a set of working guidelines and let you find it yourself.

If you think it would make you happy, get your degree then marry your man. Personally I would suggest holding off on the marriage for a little while, but thats only because of a practical reason. Lets say you get your degree and then seriously enter the job market. Most new employees need to be employed for a while before they can take vacation time, even for a honeymoon. So get the degree, get yourself in the job you want, then wait a little while before you get married. If the honeymoon isn't all that important then get married earlier, but as someone that skipped the honeymoon the second time around I can say its something I regret and perhaps something you might wish you had done.

As to your mom, well mom's have a way of coming around when she sees you're happy. If she doesn't, then don't worry about it. She can continue living her life her way while you do what you want to be happy.

I got a phone call today from an employer that I REALLY want to work for. I've been waiting for weeks to hear back from this person. Which means they've already talked to my CURRENT employer, and have decided I'm worth interviewing.. *smile*...

This is a law office that would like to interview for a legal secretary position. They do real estate law. I work at a real-estate office. I type 98 words a minute (last my office clocked me on our typing program), I'm great on phones, this company has dealt with me TONS of times in the past, I know how to do deposit and conveyance procedures, etc. I'm a shoe-in for this job. I don't necessarily know how to do the law part, but I'm a fast learner.. and as I want to go to law school in a couple years, this would be perfect. THIS is the job I was holding out for. THIS is the job that I can see myself doing every day. *smile*

As to whomever mentioned me being 4 courses away from a degree, let me correct you.. I'm 4 exams away. I have one today, and three next week. Trust me, I'm not going to put three plus years into something, and then not finish it. I'm too bloody stubborn for that. lol.


Catalina, as to your questions, I'm not going to answer them all here, as I don't think you intended me to anyway, but I will consider them.. they are good questions, and I thank you for them.

I'd like to point out that there is a huge difference here between how I thought my mom would act, and how my dad is acting. Y'see, my mom left my dad. She did the leaving. She was totally unhappy, while HE was totally in love with her. And my dad, who had his heart broken, who was so unhappy he just.. didn't know what to do with himself.. is the one who can get past himself, and wish me happiness. My mother, who left of her own volition, who left because leaving would make her happy, she can't see past herself. That's what the frustrating thing is, I guess.

As for marriage.. it's not like we wanted to get married next month.. not even close.. we were thinking sometime in the next two years.. I mean, we're TALKING about it.. Bob, you're right.. getting married now would be difficult, as I'm looking for work, and I want to be a little more financially settled before I do get hitched.. I want to have a job that is firm, and I want to have some more money put away, and that kind of thing... And he wants those things, as well. *smile* We've started a 'hope' fund.. kind of like a hope chest.. Every month, we put money away for our future in it... and we want to see that grow a little before we tie the knot.. I'm not impetuous, and I'm not rushing into anything, but I.. we.. would LIKE to get married while we're still somewhat young (we want to be married before we're 30, so we have time, but y'know).

Vixandra, my mom knows my Man well.. He's spent weekends at her and my dad's house, before the divorce, he's come with me many times to visit her and my dad, she comes over often to have dinner with he and I, my bro and his gf. She LOVES my guy.. she thinks he's just fantastic, and she adores his family. She just... I dunno.

Catalina, as to are my mom's fears irrational? Fear is always irrational. However, there is something of a point behind hers.. I understand that she doesn't want me to end up divorced.. because even though she left my dad, it hurt. I understand that she doesn't want me to end up with nothing to fall back on, but I'm too driven to allow that. I love school, and I WANT a good job.. I want something challengeing, something difficult, but something that fascinates the hell out of me... my brain could never flourish on anything else. And my brain's wishes have to be met, when it comes to things like that. My mom knows this about me. This job that I'm interviewing for on Monday.. it's something that allows me to have a comfort zone (reception work), but it's going to test my brain and keep it active, with the law side of things... and THIS is a job that I'd like.. after I get my second degree, I want a career that tests me every day like that.

And if I were to get married, and it were to fail.. I would never have lost myself like my mom did in her marriage. I'm much stronger than my mom. I'm aware of what I want. And I will ALWAYS be happy. If my marriage failed, and if I lost a job, I would get back up on my feet, and get to working hard to find happiness again. It is tantamount.

Anyway, I think this post is getting long enough, lol... thank you all for your comments... they've been helpful and have meant a great deal to me...

Chele... I am so incredibly flattered by your comments.. thank you.

Sounds as if you are on the right track. I remember when I went back to get my education in my late 30's....my whole family turned on me for it. My mother spent the duration fo my time studying while also trying to raise 2 children alone below the poverty line, telling me I was mad and should quit...but she could never give me another solution to providing us with a better future either. When I graduated and landed the job I had been told would take 10 years to work toward, she couldn't stop bragging to anyone who would listen.

Then when I decided to marry in my 40's, she turned on me again as she has her own issues with marriage, similar to your mum except she has stuck it out and hated every minute. She felt I needed to dedicate my life to career to make all the effort I went through to get there worthwhile. Now she is also telling everyone how wonderful my husband is and how clever I was to realise our love and seize it against everyone's misgivings. As you already know, parents are people....some project their issues onto us while others accept we are adults and able to make our own choices, either way they usually do so out of love and concern.

Bottom line is, as others have said, it is your life and you need to do what feels right for you so you don't get to 80 and sit and count your 'what if's', full of regrets and bitterness. You will cope no matter what happens. I am a great believer in everything happens for a reason, you accept and move forward, learning always and evolving into who you are meant to be.

Catalina

OK four tests is even better...now im green with envy..lol

Im still three semesters away...sigh~

vixenshe said:

I got a phone call today from an employer that I REALLY want to work for. I've been waiting for weeks to hear back from this person. Which means they've already talked to my CURRENT employer, and have decided I'm worth interviewing.. *smile*...

This is a law office that would like to interview for a legal secretary position. They do real estate law. I work at a real-estate office. I type 98 words a minute (last my office clocked me on our typing program), I'm great on phones, this company has dealt with me TONS of times in the past, I know how to do deposit and conveyance procedures, etc. I'm a shoe-in for this job. I don't necessarily know how to do the law part, but I'm a fast learner.. and as I want to go to law school in a couple years, this would be perfect. THIS is the job I was holding out for. THIS is the job that I can see myself doing every day. *smile*

Click to expand...

This is wonderful news! I will be crossing my fingers and sending good thoughts and wishes that all goes well! Please, do keep up posted!

I may be wrong her but it sounds to me like what is bothering you is a nagging sense that she doesn't trust you, doesn't have faith in you. And that her not giving you her blessing leaves you jinxed.
If so, know that there Are some ways to get passed that that don't involve getting her past her issues. Like a lot of posters here I waaaay sympathize with you and your situation, but looks like you got some long personal stories already, so I'll just go into what worked for me.

1. Reminding myself, ad nauseaum if need be, of all the ways and places I'd already suceeded, including writing them down and keeping a list (and thus had already proved her wrong about me, and about life.)

2. This sounds corny but I made up a fake Mom in my mind of the women I'd loved and respected who Did have high hopes and expectations for me. I even imagined and wrote down what They would say to me in the situation about which I wanted my biological Mom's support.

3. I got really good at separating myself and my life from her issues. For instance, I'd start to guess and make bets on exactly what she'd say before she said it. For instance, when I got a great deal on a terrific used car, I bet to myself that the first words out of her mouth would be some little thing that was wrong with it. Sure enough -- she found a scratch! (Can you imagine, a Scatch on a used car? The shame of it!) Anyway, it kept me from being disappointed again and again when like Lucy and Charlie Brown i put out my football again. And disconnected me so that for things that mattered it didn't get to me the same way. (The Only thing she could find to say about my husband before i married him 23 years ago was that he dressed too well and was too good-looking! lol) Wow, I'm finding it hard to resist telling my story, too, but just know that it Will matter a lot less as you go along.

4. Remember that there are a lot of routes to success and, for that matter a lot of routes to having things go badly. She, or anyone, could have done all the things she now thinks one should do (the opposite of whatever she did the first time) and still have it not work out. Conversely, You could do things exactly like her and have it turn out differently. You are clearly different people, dear. Give your dad a hug for me. Hell, give them Both a hug. She probably needs one more.

keep us posted about Monday!

this hits very close to my heart/mind. The best advice I can give you, is to tell you...


You are not your mother.


what was right or wrong for her, will not be what will be right or wrong for you.

also, sometimes you need to take steps in the right direction, regardless if you'll love them or not.
You say you want to be married, that prep work for the year before that perfect day is an incredably mess/stressful time. Maybe this potential job that you'll have for a temporary amount of time, is like that year before you get married.

Take a chance, but always have a plan B.