How can one convey "I'm sorry"

Say you have done or said something that you don't feel warrants an apology yet the person you said or did something to feels that the act/words were hurtful. Saying I am sorry for something that you truly don't feel sorry for is pointless. Acknowledging that, how then do you convey to the other person that you do value them, their opinions, and their feelings in the matter even when you honestly feel that you have done nothing wrong?

You can apologize for the way what you said made the person feel without apologzing for your opinion.

Something along the lines of I feel like what I said might have been hurtful to you, I'm very passionate in what I believe and sometimes I don't articulate what I mean to say very well.

You aren't saying you were wrong, you are saying that you acknowledge there could have been a better way to make your point that was more considerate of their feelings.

i am so sick and tired of all this "dear me, it's a good thing to be sensitive" crap!
people these days have absolutely no skin left, or they're brought up to be so damn sensitive that every single thing can be taken the wrong way.
*sigh*

it would be so much easier if everyone just accepted that occasionally people are going to say things that they don't like!

fuck 'political correctness' and 'understanding that your words may hurt others' -
if this person is a friend, then they should accept that sometimes everyone says something wrong.

this whole thing cuts both ways though, and you also have to accept the fallibility of your friends.

I've been in this position more times than I care to think about.

My response now is simply..."Honey, please understand...I meant every word I said. Maybe it didn't come out right. My intention was never, ever to hurt you. I did not mean to do that and I'm so very sorry."

I can't imagine apologizing for something if I don't feel the remorse behind it...if the sincerity is not there, then the apology turns out to be an insult to both me and the person receiving it. And while I would hate to hurt someone who meant so much to me, I would hate insulting their integrity even more.

S.

Can you be a little bit more specific about the nature of their hurt? It's not always how you say it, sometimes it can be your having the opinion that hurts.

I have apologized before that someone felt hurt by my feeling a certain way. I did feel bad that they felt bad about it, even if I still was of the original opinion. Knowing Exactly what you feel bad about is key.

Was it the equivalent of stepping on their foot, or the equivalent of touching a sore spot (that wouldn't have been sore on someone else.) Stick with your sincerity. It's not a matter of fault, but a matter of your caring about their pain.

One of the reasons I've learned to be careful about expressing My pain to my husband, is that i now understand that it hurts him to discover that he's hurt me, even inadvertantly. So sometimes I'm in a situation of seeing that I've hurt him by letting him know he hurt me. I feel sorry, but he still has to kiss my owie, too, if he put it there! (Helps to think in kid terms, too, when it comes to hurts, as that's how many of us feel when we get hurt by those we love.)

If you value that person, then saying sorry is easily done. Sometimes you have to acknowledge the fact that your actions, or words, although without intent to do harm, have done harm.

While its pretty rare for this to happen among people that are just friends, it is pretty common among people in love. Being in love means allowing your vunerabilities to show to your lover, trusting that they will not hurt you. Sometimes, you can say something totally innocent and still have caused hurt to your SO. You might not think its worth apologizing over, but the other person may disagree.

On the other hand if you really don't feel like apologizing you can do it in an off-hand way like pointing at a current troll that is plaguing the how-to section and saying "Be thankful I'm not a slow witted jerk like that one!".

Thanks for the replies.

Perhaps this is the crux of the problem. I have said I was sorry for what I did but as sheath so aptly put it - it was an insult to us both. I feel horrible for causing pain, but in the same situation I would most likely do the same thing again. In both of our minds that negates saying "I'm sorry" - even though I am truly sorry for having caused the pain and the subsequent rift in our relationship and I was very clear about why exactly I was sorry.
Even in explaining my actions it was insulting, simply because we both can understand what lead up to it. I am now at a loss on how to deal with it.

The action touched a sore spot with him - it is something he felt should never have happened in a loving and healthy relationship.
Many others would disagree and say that the action itself was trivial and not worth being so upset over. That is why I don't want to post exactly what transpired. I want opinions of how to remedy this without the opinions of what happened (does that make sense?).

CC, of course it makes sense to eliminate the trap of others judging the action instead of helping you understand where you are as a result of that action.

To be honest, this is starting to sound like one of those events in a relationship where you just have to say, "It is what it is." Things happen and we can't control the consequences. You surely intended no hurt yet you spoke your mind. You've said that you intended no hurt and in a balanced relationship that ought to suffice. It may take some time for your partner to come to that conclusion, but no doubt he will.

That said, I sensed something troubling when you said, "we both can understand what lead up to it." This tells me that there may be a little more going on in the relationship than this one incident. I hope not, but it's my instinctual response.

Could it be that the reason this incident is so troubling is that it is indicative of some larger problem? If it is, then perhaps you two have some work to do. If not, then this will blow away of its own insignificance.

I have pretty much come to the same conclusion midwest. The action on my part was not thought out, there was no premeditative spite behind it - it was instinctual in nature. That doesn't make it better or worse. As you said, "it is what it is".

The evening in question was very emotional and dramatic. Many of our responses were a bit overblown. The issues of the evening have been sorted out and I believe dealt with in a satisfactory way for both of us - with the exception of the one incident.

A part of me gets irritated thinking that he is holding onto this one incident to be angry. Like he is pooling all of his frustration with our relationship into it. Perhaps he will come to the same conclusion at some point, and perhaps not. In thinking that am I negating how he feels and discounting the effect the action had on him?

I should clarify that the frustrations we share in our relationship is only in physical distance. Being apart can be very stressful and little things can become huge in a blink of an eye, simply because you can't interact face to face as often as you would like.

capricious_chic said:

I should clarify that the frustrations we share in our relationship is only in physical distance. Being apart can be very stressful and little things can become huge in a blink of an eye, simply because you can't interact face to face as often as you would like.

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Relationships in which separation is the rule rather than the exception are extremely challenging. It takes quite an unusual amount of patience and caring to keep them nurtured.

I wish you well.

I think what is more important than saying you are sorry is understanding why the other person was hurt by what you said and try to find a way between the two of you of not letting it happen again.
The judgement as to whether you or anyone else believe what you said should or should not have been hurtful is irrevelant in the sense that it was and we must accept the legitmacy of the feelings of those we care for.

Being heard and understood can make a big difference.

Noor, who could say a hell of a lot more on this subject but doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings