How to develop cybererotic relationships

I'm relatively new to the boards and to cybererotica, so I thought it might be nice to get some pointers from you more experienced folks. What works best in developing online cybererotic relationships, be they friendships, more significant relationships, or what have you??

From my perspective, I really appreciate it when I am initially contacted politely. I'm sure this isn't the case for everyone, but I tend to like to have a little more "getting to know you time" if you will, even if it's brief, before baring my most intimate parts to people. I can tell you that those who have taken the time to do that have been very nicely repaid for their kindness.

I also find I can enjoy myself more if the person I'm "with" has a similar attitude toward the relationship. I'm married, happily so, and not out to change my life or anyone else's, so it's reassuring to me if the person I'm "with" is okay with that and is similarly uninterested in life altering relationships. That isn't to say that I wouldn't take the leap to playing face to face, but that I'm reassured if everyone involved views it simply as adult fun.

Any thoughts?

having relatively a fair amount of experience in cyberland, many women complain that the majority of men are in the what's your bra size, do you have naked pics in the first 30 sec of conversation, resulting in the ignore finger getting overworked ...

it's amazing what a bit of patience and class can garner for one ... on the other side of the coin, abeit, less frequently, woman also can be very blunt and direct with pictures very quickly....

I prefer the slower approach, but each to his own of course. I'm very cautious, but feel the final results, meaning meeting people that we feel more compatible and at ease with, is worth that approach.

Some of my chat/other partners have been with me for 4 and more years, some I even have had the opportunity to meet, so overall the experience has been good.

My motto is simple ... one must turn over many rocks to find a gem ... good luck

My motto is simple ... one must turn over many rocks to find a gem ... good luck [/B][/QUOTE]

I agree with smoothdevil in all he says here. Like him, I have some long lasting and deep relationships with people online. I think that you must expect to meet people with whom you do not relate, some you get on with ok, and one or two you really "connect" with. The process is no different from meeting face to face. As you exchange ideas, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and other intimate characteristics, you grow closer or more distant. It is natural; so I let things happen without being too involved initially and I respect all friends and cherish the ones that share intimacies with me. I also never plan to meet my friends and will tell them about my domestic life insofar as it is relevant.

I have actually met one friend, when she visited the UK from Romania. She is an amazing person and we still remain in contact. We have developed an incredible closeness, which I have described in one or two of my posts here. So, I say, be yourself in all that you say and do with your cyber-friends as truth and honesty nuture intimacy.

respects
avalon.

You can try chat rooms or the personals columns here and else where.

No matter which you try, one of the troubles is making sure that you are clear about what you are looking for and communicate that to anyone who answers you.

Chat rooms are ok, only if you can do some getting to know folks, before they say "nice shoes wanna fuck?" This is difficult to get from what I can see, from a women’s point of view. Three years ago or more LitChat was such a place, the “lounge” was a “safe” place for women to sit and chat without having the NSWF every two minutes. You could become known as a “lounge” regular and there would always be people ready and willing to help drive away the idiots. The Moderators would assist as well.

I have not been in there in the last couple of years, other than for a 10 or so minute quick trip to try and find a friend who said they would be in there at a certain time.

The other need that I had when I was looking for a cyber partner, was to find an imaginative and eloquent fast typist, so that cyber could be more realistic, now maybe that is / was a fault with me when I was cybering, but I did enjoy it more if a story line could be run between the two of us instead of one of us doing all the work.

A clear well written personal advert may bring the best responses! I would think about trying for a new free email, register for a new one allows you to control your responses better IMHO. Then just sit back and see who or what turns up. Don’t forget to have your salt shaker on hand, so you can take the initial claims with a pinch of salt. Play safe and don’t give out all your information to the other parties. Do keep your S/O involved if that is what they want (not to every detail, but as hiding it would be “cheating”),

hausfrau said:

I'm married, happily so, and not out to change my life or anyone else's, so it's reassuring to me if the person I'm "with" is okay with that and is similarly uninterested in life altering relationships.

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I have to admit this bothers me. If you're happily married, why can't you get from your spouse what you're looking for? Is she aware of your online activities and ok with them?

Re: Re: How to develop cybererotic relationships

Bobmi357 said:

I have to admit this bothers me. If you're happily married, why can't you get from your spouse what you're looking for? Is she aware of your online activities and ok with them?

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Maybe I am wrong, but I took the name hausfrau (Housewife) to be female, ergo my assumption that her S/O is a man, as she doesn't say life partner or partner or any other shorthand for S/O of the same sex, and she does say she is married.

There are often times that you can't get the same things back from a wife or husband!

Are you truly saying that if you are in a long term relationship, you have never fantasized about anyone else but your wife / girlfriend?

IMHO there are blessings in being able to spark your intellect against the steel of another’s flinty soul.

As I have said as long as there is knowledge and you're not lying to your S/O, about what you are doing and what you are looking for online, there are no real reasons to stop, unless they express a desire that you stop.

If my wife worried about what I was doing online I would stop, but if she knows what I do online and is not unhappy about it, I feel it can be a release from family tension to be able to talk and flirt, safe in the knowledge that it is not going to go any further than a keyboard or a monitor screen.

Re: Re: Re: How to develop cybererotic relationships

Ezzy said:

There are often times that you can't get the same things back from a wife or husband!

Are you truly saying that if you are in a long term relationship, you have never fantasized about anyone else but your wife / girlfriend?

IMHO there are blessings in being able to spark your intellect against the steel of another’s flinty soul.

As I have said as long as there is knowledge and you're not lying to your S/O, about what you are doing and what you are looking for online, there are no real reasons to stop, unless they express a desire that you stop.

If my wife worried about what I was doing online I would stop, but if she knows what I do online and is not unhappy about it, I feel it can be a release from family tension to be able to talk and flirt, safe in the knowledge that it is not going to go any further than a keyboard or a monitor screen.

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Complete agreement here. I don't think there's anything wrong with having some needs met through other relationships, as long as your partner knows what you're doing and agrees with it. I have relationships with a lot of people, but I respect the fact that my husband feels cybersex with other men is cheating, so that's a line I never cross. But I think the conversations and relationships I build online have helped me to be a better wife...all of my needs are met, and the exchange of ideas has been invaluable to our marriage.

Re: Re: Re: Re: How to develop cybererotic relationships

SweetErika said:

Complete agreement here. I don't think there's anything wrong with having some needs met through other relationships, as long as your partner knows what you're doing and agrees with it. I have relationships with a lot of people, but I respect the fact that my husband feels cybersex with other men is cheating, so that's a line I never cross. But I think the conversations and relationships I build online have helped me to be a better wife...all of my needs are met, and the exchange of ideas has been invaluable to our marriage.

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It is one thing to develop friendships online. It is an entirely different matter to actively seek as the original poster put it, "Cybererotic relationships". All I asked was a simple question concerning the state of the posters relationship. Perhaps an examination of the relationship by the poster might lead to conclusions that all isn't as hunky dory as originally thought.

As for myself I'm happy to make friendships online. I have friends that I talk with daily and consider myself close to them. But like real life friends, I don't turn to them for sexual needs. Especially when I have a spouse that is so willing to help meet those needs. Personally I don't cyber, its my own belief that it would be a violation of the trust my spouse holds for me. Other couples do things differently, thats great for them. My only comment was that I found the statement about being happily married and wanting a cyberotic relationship seemed to indicate an inconsistency in what I'd consider a normal relationship. Thats also why I asked for clarification of whether the spouse knew about the posters activities.. If the spouse knew and was ok with it, no problem. But if the spouse didn't know? Again, something isn't right in smallville.

This all brings us back to the concept of cheating and what is acceptable to the couple in question, AND what is really going on in the relationship. And that is why I brought up the questions I did.

To clarify -- yes, I'm female, and yes, my husband knows about my interest in cybersex/phone sex and encourages it. He's actually a member here also. It is part of our fantasy play and takes our very healthy and satisfying sex life to an entirely different level. If at any point one of us got uncomfortable, we'd talk about it and work it out. Some relationships actually do work this way.

Of COURSE I have desires and needs that my husband can't fill. No one person can be everything to another. I look to other people for lots of things I can't or don't get from my husband. I do tell my husband what I want/need, but I am not going to try to make him into something he's not. Hence, my online play.

And now, back to the original question.

Smoothdevil is 100% right. Both of my cyber-erotic relationships have started out as plain clean getting to know you friendships for quite some time before ever becoming erotic. Wouldnt want it any other way

Hey Hasufrau, I just noticed this thread because it was created by someone with a german handle.

I'd say good internet/cyber realtions are as hard to find as real ones. Of course it's more easy to just contact someone, but let's face it, finding someone intelligent or real is just as hard.

Because normally one is after something better than the usual 'Hey, wanna fuck'-shit.

Snoopy, my 2 cents

Since your spouse has no problem with it, the thing for you to do would be to plan on making friends first, then maybe trying to take it to a erotic online relationship later.

Finding an online community where you can "fit" in isn't hard. But if you expect to jump into one of the sex dedicated communities like the ones run under yahoo's instant messenger you are going to be disappointed. These communities are dedicated to one thing and one thing only, sex. Going to one with a female sounding name will get you tons of im's from horndogs all asking to see your pic, or watch them masturbate and you won't have been in that room more than 3 minutes.

Friends and relationships can be found in the most unusual of online communities and in places where you least expect it. I met my Alyx on an online role playing game. Hows that for a first date story? We killed Orcs and Goblins and Ogres together.

Yahoo offers several levels of "adult" communities, including the raunchy in your face stuff, down to softer stuff like "Married, but flirting" and "Married and looking". I'd suggest trying some of the softer adult areas instead of jumping right into the hard stuff.

As a relatively newbie to the cyber world, I find this thread very informative.

I've gotten some very hard-duty raunchy responses to my posts. Even though they were from other women, i found them to be a bit offputting.

While I am not looking for friends here (cuz I have more than I can keep up with offline) I do appreciate the basic courtesies in communication.

It tells a lot about a person..don't you think?

I will just reiterate a couple of things that were said here that I have found are best for me... be yourself and take things slowly, just like you would approach meeting someone new in real life. Like you said, a nice polite intro is good. You can actually make some pretty meaningful friendships this way, and if it's meant to evolve into something more over time, it will.
JJ

I will have to say that I have been unbelievably lucky in making acquaintances here that may or may not develop into something more significant, but they don't even get past the delete button if there's not some common courtesy extended. I'm sure many women can relate to getting the "ooohhh baby you are so hot let's have phone sex" PM in response to an appreciative post in the Amateur Pics thread. Just. Don't. GO. There.

Think of it this way. Would you want someone talking to your wife/girlfriend/sister/mother/daughter that way without some um, acquiescence from said female?? No?? Then don't say it to a complete stranger until you've gotten some indication that it's appropriate. And, if you wouldn't mind someone talking to the women in your life that way, you have bigger problems than your pick up lines.

Just my humble .02

Some women I've met online have been people I've chatted with first, just developing a frienship that expanded into something more, and a few have been right out of the box hot & steamy cybersex relationships. I think in the end, it's all very similar to meeting someone r/t.
Sometimes a real life relationship is something that develops over a period of time, and other times you just meet someone and they just set your passions afire.

smoothdevil was mostly right

being yourself, and holding off your horny-assed impulses will get you far. of course, you still need to find someone you can actually connect with.

he IS right, however, about the initial approach and the bra size/age thing. i've had this nick for a while, and a number of people mistake me as a female....i'm open to bi experiences, but the majority of people who mistake this nick are just crude assholes, to be frank.

i will say this......the only two people i've had a lasting "cybererotic" friendship with both involved a fairly lengthy conversation in an IRC channel before other things developed.

Hmmm

My guess is what you want out of cybererotica ... hard fast and very hot type of chats or e-mails and walk away and hit the Delete next time or let take time to learn about each other and be come friends. Case in point I met a friend of another friend, we share e-mails and chatted about her kids, jobs, about writing (both of us write stories-poems) for over two years nothing was share that we could not have been shown on the morning TV news. Sure sometime we talk about Girl/Boy ... friends topics but nothing erotic at all. I help her setup a web cam so she could chat with her kids in school a 2 years ago and forgot about it. When one day she asked me if I ever got my cam fixed (no can't :-( no money) OK but later that week we were chatting she ask if I would like to see her new dress (her son was getting married) sure and she turn her cam on. Very nice dress but I was doing more than one thing... chatting with her and reading e-mails... when I look up and see part of her dress has come undo. I ask was she happy about son... yes he is marrying nice girl. I go back to reading e-mails when I look back I see she ask me if I would like to see under her dress and the special things she got... and look at cam as she undressed... WOW. I never saw it coming. Yes, we still chat and e-mail each other about everyday things but ever now and when she will like to play . She asked me way I never asks her to "play" ; I told her it has to be the lady's choice if and when the time come to that. Sure I would love to look, talk, or get crazy with her or any women but it is best if they are in control... unless they tell me to take over control. At least in the cyber life for me that has worked best. And now she has let me know that she would like me to ask to "play" sometime and that cool too.

I have had some that are just cyber/erotic and others that are friendships with cyber-erotic. I have found the ones with the balance have lasted longer.. Not every chat has to be hot and heavy sex talk. Sometimes just a how was your day, whats up for the weekend is good with a little playful stuff thrown in. I have actually found with my primary cyber erotic relationship he is more turned on by me when i am trying to behave then when it is thrown in his face. Leaves him to use his imagination more. He always fesses up and tells me. Sometimes I will turn it up a notch.. other times I let him squirm. He is fine with both. A few times when I have turned it up a notch he says "baby you dont have to do that" but that just makes me like him more..lol

i have a pretty seriouse internet relation ship who i actually love deeply it seems to get alot of negative feedback but i really like her my sujgestions are just in chat rooms to join conversations be yourself and when you meet a girl/guy swap information about yourselves you'll know if u hit it off when once your out of things about yourself to talk about you can keep the conversation alive. i talked to mine for about seven hours the first night. i sujgest not to say anyone wana fuck or show me your tits that rarelt works untill at least second edate(joking) to keep the fun i recomend renting and watching movies together thats what we do and we love it rent the movies and watch them simoltaniously conversing about it as it ges good luck to ya buddy

For me it happened through a PM.

I don't think I would engage in a cybererotic relationship if I was committed to someone else, which I am not. The person that I am involved with says he is single, and I believe him. But it is easy to lie online I guess.

bertrande said:

But it is easy to lie online I guess.

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That's one of the joys (or pitfalls) of being online. You can be anything/anyone that you want to be, and because it's pretty anonymous, nobody has to know otherwise.

It's interesting that this thread was bumped, because my husband and I were just recently talking about something similar (regarding a thread on the HT Cafe). We were talking about boundaries in relationships and what is/isn't considered cheating (not that we haven't talked about it before). My husband knows that I post here and he knows my handle, so he can go online any time he wants to see what I've been posting. I'm hiding nothing. He mentioned that it wouldn't bother him in the least if I were to cyber with other people. However, as I told him, it's a nonissue, because it's not something that I'm even remotely interested in doing. I have enough to do to maintain my RL relationships.

I prefer the message-board format. If I were going to pursue a cyber relationship, it would be a relationship/friendship first. The few times that I've ventured into chat rooms, I've been assailed by leg-humpers. That's what keeps me out of chat rooms in the first place.

hausfrau said:

I'm relatively new to the boards and to cybererotica, so I thought it might be nice to get some pointers from you more experienced folks. What works best in developing online cybererotic relationships, be they friendships, more significant relationships, or what have you??

From my perspective, I really appreciate it when I am initially contacted politely. I'm sure this isn't the case for everyone, but I tend to like to have a little more "getting to know you time" if you will, even if it's brief, before baring my most intimate parts to people. I can tell you that those who have taken the time to do that have been very nicely repaid for their kindness.

I also find I can enjoy myself more if the person I'm "with" has a similar attitude toward the relationship. I'm married, happily so, and not out to change my life or anyone else's, so it's reassuring to me if the person I'm "with" is okay with that and is similarly uninterested in life altering relationships. That isn't to say that I wouldn't take the leap to playing face to face, but that I'm reassured if everyone involved views it simply as adult fun.

Any thoughts?

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Literotica (and there may be other places online too, I don't know) allows you to step outside yourself or normal routine and explore and enjoy the company of other people online, sexually and otherwise. But I'm sure online as offline, our normal character comes through, even when experimenting with some aspect of ourselves normally less obvious in offline life.

Basically it's just fun to chat isn't it

exploring variations

I too am married to a lovely lady, & have no desire to change my real life situation. However, cyber-relationsips allow people to examine "variations" in a non-threatening situation. My wife isn't interested in exploring some of these ideas, thus the semi-fantasty world of cybersex. I've never met anyone from on-line. As for lies -- a hazard that exists in the fantasy world anyway.

Thanks for continung this thread.

Your initial question was formed around the "how do I go about it?" problem.....this is a small insight into my experience.


I don't think I personally came to Lit with the intention of having a cybererotic relationship (although it was fairly recently, there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then!). My intention was to find a place where I would be comfortable posting some of the erotic fiction I had written. This resulted in my receiving attention from people who had read my stuff and wanted to give me feedback or to contact me.

I also found myself dragged into the rather addictive games threads.....This led to a number of approaches coming from people with whom I had "played" with.

I should note here that I have NEVER actually approached anyone myself with the view of extending the "relationship" built up in the thread.

I chose to respond to some of those approaches...others I rejected straight out for their message content was offensive or unacceptable. I have enjoyed the theatrical nature of "playing" at something a little more intense with a number of people over time...both male and female and on sites other than this.

I have remained at all times with my feet firmly planted in Real Life and regarded all the encounters I have had as a fantastic experience..with the emphasis on "fantasy" .....apparently I write erotic scenes very well and if by being able to do so, I bring a little extra something to their lives, so be it!

They have my gift of words to enjoy.

There have been a couple of occasions where I have met some of my correspondents in real life....and I value that experience for the trust and respect they have shown. I, too, can and do have conversations with those friends about their everyday lives; its not all about the sex!

It has been a case of weeding out the "nice tits, how about it?" brigade...but you become quite adept at picking the sleeze bags.......there have been several threads in different places that have discussed the protocols of personal approaches through PM's or otherwise.


Some of my contacts have in all fairness wanted nothing more than the chance to converse........others have wanted to take it much further.....each relationship has developed its own character and nature.....all of which intrigues me as a writer.....the challenge of remembering details, likes and dislikes, characterisations that have evolved over time.....

This is not how everone approaches the development of a closer relationship with a fellow Litster........this has been my experience. I hope it offers you a different insight into online relationships.

I should add that I have no relationship in real life that would be jeopardised by my actions on line, although every one of the people I have encountered on line has had an SO to consider.

Good Luck..........