Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

I have noticed a lot of poetry in progress in threads here and there--
in passion, new poems, etc which is no big deal because there really was not a place to put them before besides starting a new thread--

I think it might be good for everyone to try to keep them in one place, so that people who are interested can post and get comments and exposure, or just show poems that they are not interested in submitting but would like to put out there.



So, this thread is for:

1. Poems you wrote that you are passionate about but cannot stand the idea of writing on the fly with no backspacing or editing, copy/pasting... so you know it doesn't Really belong in the all of a sudden passion suddenly (I know this has happened to me!)

2. You are looking for a little feedback and exposure and are not interested or ready to submit.

3. You just feel like keeping this thread from disappearing, so throw a poem in just to humor me. Come on you know you want to do it.....

4. Whatever else. Just put em here if you want to.

I am easy
this thread is easy
prizes will be given (I am working out a deal where the winner gets to choose Eve's av for a day, or an hour, or maybe just for 3 minutes, negotiations will begin once I think to ask her....)

just let us know what you want when you post a poem

sound good?

Seattle

June eight tag and carry

looking for anything, like what the hell does that mean or um were you meaning to spell it like that?

June eight tag and carry


Gladys, Thomas,
and Marian Louise Buck
all lived 85 years
before their next birthday

death having nothing to do with knives
or shot or interplanetary travel
just being a Buck of eighty five.

It would take a special man to consider them
the hero or heroine of a Harold and Maude type
love scene but it has been done,
and done well
I know the way.

back space,
tell me now,
what is the common denominator
of cars, leaves, regret and water?

someone must understand,
maybe after saying my name
three times before
confessing there is nothing to say
about my name, except maybe
its very existence,
tagged at birth

what did they tag to you
the day you broke free?

this day of candles and ribbon,
chalk marks and round pebbles,
what tags do you carry still?

come in Buck, 85
do you copy?

factual

a whiney self pity PMS poem that probably doesnt count but...

factual, f
actual a poem about me
her them you us we
they them her him you
you ewe yew

I feel so alone
one just, in just
frightened out of skin
at an all too early age
played dumb,
lollipop princess, can she speak?
she does when she feels
does she feel?
some thymes she feels
freshwater eels ( for palau)

but she fills, and fields
incoming super ball
-istic missiles would miss
she is a small target on
no one’s radar but her own
she hasn’t grown up
or down, just existed
insides all twisted
she can’t look around
her everything is falling

yin and yang express
sing pain, hallelujah
won’t be long until
she’s hole again

~~~~~~~~~

as for what I want? refer to sig line
ohh, cept I aint a boy

Re: factual

Doesnt count what the hell are you talking about, I love it, I really love your let em loose poetry the best-- the way you mess with words-- compound words like

"but she fills, and fields
incoming super ball
-istic missiles would miss
she is a small target on
no one’s radar but her own"


damn!

this puts my pms poem to shame in a closet

with chocolate
and some sort of salted product and diet coke
for the extra bloat

Maria2394 said:

a whiney self pity PMS poem that probably doesnt count but...

factual, f
actual a poem about me
her them you us we
they them her him you
you ewe yew

I feel so alone
one just, in just
frightened out of skin
at an all too early age
played dumb,
lollipop princess, can she speak?
she does when she feels
does she feel?
some thymes she feels
freshwater eels ( for palau)

but she fills, and fields
incoming super ball
-istic missiles would miss
she is a small target on
no one’s radar but her own
she hasn’t grown up
or down, just existed
insides all twisted
she can’t look around
her everything is falling

yin and yang express
sing pain, hallelujah
won’t be long until
she’s hole again

~~~~~~~~~

as for what I want? refer to sig line
ohh, cept I aint a boy

Click to expand...

Good idea! I already asked in the Pics thread, but I'm shameless and I'll beg anywhere.

Any suggestions, critiques, etc would be greatly appreciated. I really, really suck at editing poems and this one needs it because I'm definitely not happy with it as it currently stands.

Edited to add...Did you know you can't post the same image file in more than one thread? I even tried renaming the damned thing.

OK. I guess now I'm begging anyone who is bored and generous to please check here and offer up anything that comes to mind...

Quiet Baby Lullabye

Quiet baby, Momma's pride
Watching you
I pray that
She will always find
Her quiet baby, by Momma's side.

Quiet baby, Momma's pride
Holding you
Singing sweet
Lullabyes for
Her quiet baby, by Momma's side.

Quiet baby, Momma's pride
Sleep sound now
And do not cry
Momma's here for
Her quiet baby, by Momma's side.

-

Some spontaneous reactions, take it or leave it...

...if that's what you wanted? If not, please close your eyes.




SeattleRains' June eight tag and carry: Good talky flow to the writing, I like that. I must say that I think I understood the poem as a whole, but that certain lines and passages made me scratch my head...

what is the common denominator
of cars, leaves, regret and water?

That just whooshed past me.

................

maria's factual: Damn straight it counts. The the internal rhyming, wordplay and jaded wit is really cool. The theme of the poem likewise. A slightly sarcastic wink to self definition.

................

Carrie's Quiet Baby Lullabye: Simple and sweet. A poetic maternal hug. Nice.

................

tara's education in a cheap hotel: As always, cool title. Stylewise, an interresting stacatto, but I tent to read it slowly, and then it has a really good rhhythm. Unfortunately, I feel the condensed style took away some ease of understanding. I can't quite make out what you're aiminig at.


#L

ps. And min... well, ya know.

two seeking advice

1) Missing

I don’t miss it
Walks in the woods
Exploring nature’s wonders
Hand in hand
The flexing of your calves as I followed behind
Climbing moss covered boulders
to gaze upon emerald pools below

I don’t miss them
Your howled laughter
As we shared a joke at some street side café
Or outside a pub on some glorious summer’s day
Sipping a half of Bishop’s tipple
The children’s giggling a gentle ripple
As they chased the geese
Through the garden

I don’t miss you
Holding you, feeling the longing
we held for each other
Your warmth, the exact fit
Of each contour of our bodies
As we merged into one
synchronous sexuality
In time and in tune with each other
Vibrations pitch perfect

I don’t miss it
I don’t miss them
I don’t miss you
God, I miss it all

2)Orbit

At six months the doctor said
The fetus though small is fine
At seven months, apologies,
The child you’re carrying is dead.
At eight months, induced labor
Would you like to see your son
Amid the grief, so great
You nodded no
Your heart removed
Your wailing soul
would not permit the sight

Out of body
But not out of mind
Out of the country
Tried to put it all behind
Visited friends and family abroad
Met tears, silence, soft embraces
Foolishly, I thought you were healing
Until the night my aunt showed you pictures
Of her new grandchild
You died again and again with each photo
A damning indictment of your loss

Visit cut short,
back to England we traveled
back to emptiness and each other
alone
no photos to show
no proof of our angels face
only memories of opportunity lost
to gaze upon him once
grief redoubled

________________________________

Thanks for any and all input

Re: Quiet Baby Lullabye

sweet! do you have music that goes with this?

champagne1982 said:

Quiet baby, Momma's pride
Watching you
I pray that
She will always find
Her quiet baby, by Momma's side.

Quiet baby, Momma's pride
Holding you
Singing sweet
Lullabyes for
Her quiet baby, by Momma's side.

Quiet baby, Momma's pride
Sleep sound now
And do not cry
Momma's here for
Her quiet baby, by Momma's side.

Click to expand...

Re: Some spontaneous reactions, take it or leave it...

Liar said:

...if that's what you wanted? If not, please close your eyes.




SeattleRains' June eight tag and carry: Good talky flow to the writing, I like that. I must say that I think I understood the poem as a whole, but that certain lines and passages made me scratch my head...

what is the common denominator
of cars, leaves, regret and water?

That just whooshed past me.

................

Click to expand...

what sound did it make when it whooshed? did your hair lift?


do you think I should somehow clarify or leave it ambiguous? If I get more literal, will it take away from the poem?


I wrote to this to a friend as a birthday gift (last of the big spenders) in response to a letter--

cars, leaves, regret and water

were the themes that my friend found in my writing...

I was looking for what they had in common that lived inside me, that thing that had to be heard?


thanks for taking your time to look this over, your interpretation of poems is so clearly on the mark, your suggestions are always well received.

SR

trying to build.....brick by brick

-

not really looking for suggestions but will take them, just a passion thing going through my head (before reading tungtied!)

~

first cramp sweat and
blurred spinning
nausea

then the phone call

"was this your first pregnancy?"

was??

pregnancy?

so easily killing that which
I did not know had life
until that life had passed.


~



can you grieve the death of that which
you did not even know had lived?

apparently, you can





no body to bury
no spirit to mourn
no breath to recover,
from those never born


wah pity party for anna/seattle?

first non consent (would never describe that as rape)
now miscarriage,
not trying to pull the pity card no matter what it looks like
fully over it all, just feel like writing something real that I have overcome until it is just something to think about-- what has been learned, where I come from but not who I am, etc.

Good--I'm goin' back to 1964

when I wrote all my bad poetry

and 1965 when I wrote a good deal of bad poetry

and 1966 when I wrote some bad poetry

but I have to type it all first from fragments of paper stained with great age (at least I think that's what those stains are)

Carl

(to many of you 1964 might as well have been the end of the 100 Years War for all you remember of it lol)

but homo sapiens walked the earth even way back them and had a genetic structure quite similar to what y'all have today

Every Woman

I had a concept for a poem/story, some kind of post-apocolyptic thing, where the sensuality would cause me to combust. I think the concept is pretty good, but the piece didn't come out very well. It kind of sounds like a cereal box ditty or something. Maybe I tried to keep it too condensed. Maybe it sucks. Anyway, if anybody catches the vibe and things there is something to work with let me know/suggest/ criticize do whatever you want.

The night sky's alight with a pyre of sex
As I sit on my porch with a bottle of Becks.
My skin prickles as the night comes down
As the remnants fall from the final town.
An unearthly , ragged, legion of drums
Announce the fact Every Woman comes.

"You'll know it's your time", everyone says
"When your erection stands for 7 days".
And now the calendar created my fate
As a breeze blew a squeak from my rusty gate.
Sensual air moves across my face
And increases its hunting and erotic pace.
A warmth, a pulling, a whisper I hear
To tell me Every Woman is near.

And then it begins, in my soul a small fire
Burning the stuff of my secret desire
And I am cumming, but it doesn't stop there
Soon it is cumming from everywhere
It spreads and begins to boil my skin
Then bursts into flames as I scream from within.
I briefly see, as I light up the sky
Every Woman passing me by.

No matter how tall, her color or girth
Every Woman is every woman on Earth.

is this better? anna is too shy to ask

original
so easy
by annaswirls ©
~

pre-dawn dream

bare legs tangled in cool sheets
twist and arch for pressure between

try to drift back into dreams
where sheets become arms
and you become real

~



bare legs tangled in cool sheets
twist and arch for pressure between

drift back into morning's dream
where sheets become arms
and you become real



oh shit now it has this glaring rhyme that does not fit.....errrrr..

I gotta go work on reading more of these on this thread and quit writing for a minute

[


wah pity party for anna/seattle?

first non consent (would never describe that as rape)
now miscarriage,
not trying to pull the pity card no matter what it looks like
fully over it all, just feel like writing something real that I have overcome until it is just something to think about-- what has been learned, where I come from but not who I am, etc. [/B][/QUOTE]

ahhh, poor baby!!! How in the hell could anyone pity such talent? hehe, I could however be tempted into recharging my broom and flying up there to spank you for bringing out the memories I had nicely tucked away..
but that would just be a pleasure for me and what would you learn from it??
probably nothing, except that I have really soft hands

you'll be fine SR, you'll be fine, keep spilling and we'll all be here to help you clean up the wonderful mess you make

Re: Every Woman

mold_spore said:

I had a concept for a poem/story, some kind of post-apocolyptic thing, where the sensuality would cause me to combust. I think the concept is pretty good, but the piece didn't come out very well. It kind of sounds like a cereal box ditty or something. Maybe I tried to keep it too condensed. Maybe it sucks. Anyway, if anybody catches the vibe and things there is something to work with let me know/suggest/ criticize do whatever you want.

The night sky's alight with a pyre of sex
As I sit on my porch with a bottle of Becks.
My skin prickles as the night comes down
As the remnants fall from the final town.
An unearthly , ragged, legion of drums
Announce the fact Every Woman comes.

"You'll know it's your time", everyone says
"When your erection stands for 7 days".
And now the calendar created my fate
As a breeze blew a squeak from my rusty gate.
Sensual air moves across my face
And increases its hunting and erotic pace.
A warmth, a pulling, a whisper I hear
To tell me Every Woman is near.

And then it begins, in my soul a small fire
Burning the stuff of my secret desire
And I am cumming, but it doesn't stop there
Soon it is cumming from everywhere
It spreads and begins to boil my skin
Then bursts into flames as I scream from within.
I briefly see, as I light up the sky
Every Woman passing me by.

No matter how tall, her color or girth
Every Woman is every woman on Earth.

Click to expand...

quick view re-view

you did not cut it too much, it needs to be condensed into the essential pieces-- what are you REALLY trying to say, what do you want the reader to feel, to learn, to experience. get rid of the rest and please consider doing it without rhyming

the cumming part needs to be worked on too. I just pictured a sprinkler of cum and that just is not appealing to me, and that is ME I love the stuff

my humble (Seattle humble?) opinion

cool idea--
write if you want some examples?

~SR

Re: is this better? anna is too shy to ask

SeattleRain said:

original
so easy
by annaswirls ©
~

pre-dawn dream

bare legs tangled in cool sheets
twist and arch for pressure between

try to drift back into dreams
where sheets become arms
and you become real

~



bare legs tangled in cool sheets
twist and arch for pressure between

drift back into morning's dream
where sheets become arms
and you become real



oh shit now it has this glaring rhyme that does not fit.....errrrr..

I gotta go work on reading more of these on this thread and quit writing for a minute

Click to expand...

i loved the original

you did not cut it too much, it needs to be condensed into the essential pieces-- what are you REALLY trying to say, what do you want the reader to feel, to learn, to experience. get rid of the rest and please consider doing it without rhyming

Click to expand...

Thanks SR. I just discovered this site, and it's nice to get a little contact. I have this stuff fragmented in my head and if somebody else can help me tune it maybe something will come together.

Pyres alight with the smell of dead sex
I wait now
As the last town falls
Swampy, thumping drumming, the final advance
Every Woman is coming

I am excited as time escapes
I feel the breeze beginning
A stroking air, a caress, a whisper
Every Woman is near

A flame combusts my secret desire
The heat spreads
I'm oozing cum through my pores
Skin boils and ignites to flame
I flare in the night
Witness to Every Woman passing by

I have loved Every Woman
every woman on Earth


How's that? Getting somewhere?

Re: Re: is this better? anna is too shy to ask

SeattleRain[/i] [b]original so easy by annaswirls © ~ pre-dawn dream bare legs tangled in cool sheets twist and arch for pressure between try to drift back into dreams where sheets become arms and you become real ~ [i] bare legs tangled in cool sheets twist and arch for pressure between drift back into morning's dream where sheets become arms and you become real oh shit now it has this glaring rhyme that does not fit.....errrrr.. I gotta go work on reading more of these on this thread and quit writing for a minute said:

[/b]

Click to expand...

Tathagata said:

i loved the original

Click to expand...

I second that... and third it too, if time permits.


- neo

Re: Re: Re: is this better? anna is too shy to ask

neonurotic said:

I second that... and third it too, if time permits.


- neo

Click to expand...

If not, I'll third it. I loved the rewrite, too. Gawd, I'm easy.

Re: 3rd Edit....a few more bricks

tarablackwood22 said:

education in a cheap hotel


springs
stab your sleep
through soiled sheets.

awake:

no longer
dreaming, screaming
guidance to ghosts.

still
you shout instructions
at the freedoms of the dawn.
room service.

morning:

has its own demands,
requires, hires
a stern schoolmaster.

afternoon:

muddles, puddles
your blood
with the bale
of its books.

no learning, yearning
for fiction still?

orders
are not accepted
from hotel rooms
with no feather beds.

scholarly evening:

if you expect rain, pain
to beg permission
to fall,
best close your eyes
again.

Click to expand...

reads well tara!
another cutting piece...

Re: Re: 3rd Edit....a few more bricks

fawnie said:

reads well tara!
another cutting piece...

Click to expand...

Hey, cutie!!

How's Minnesota?.....PM and tell me.

Re: Re: Re: is this better? anna is too shy to ask

neonurotic said:

I second that... and third it too, if time permits.


- neo

Click to expand...

if time zone permits
predawn slides well past morning
before sun rises on the left

and Mama's already finished
flippin pancakes this time in bare feet,
tired from twisting sheets

before pre-dawn dreams
have begun to let off some steam
but time zone trickery and laws of physics
never seem to matter in the mind
of these reluctant wakers,

so go ahead, second, third and fourth it too,
no one will notice a thing

~