Self Esteem

SweetErika

Fingers Crossed
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Apr 27, 2004
Posts
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I know we've discussed self esteem here and there, but I think it'd be great if we could contine discussing and consolidate all of the tips in one place.

What impact has self esteem had on your sex life and relationships?

Do you have any tips or exercises to improve it?

What are some general and specific things the people in your life have done or do that help you feel better about yourself?

Any other questions, answers, and discussion pertaining to self esteem are welcome! :)
 
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Kegels are great for self esteem.

The only one who has control over your self esteem is you. Once you decide you're okay, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you build who you are based on the opinion of others, you will never have it.
 
(doing kegels as I write)

I think much of self esteem is founded in childhood. I think it depends a lot on how our parents treated us. Yet it's one of those amazing facets of our personality that can still be tweaked when someone does us wrong.

I went into an abusive marriage right out of high school and my self esteem plummeted until I was nothing more than a doormat. Well - a doormat with a child and another on the way. It was the 'mom' instinct in me that gave me the courage to leave that situation and nearly single handedly raise two daughters. And it was the struggle of raising those children that gave me my self esteem back. All that I had lost and then some more.

I would not suggest doing this as a way to raise your self esteem however! There's got to be an easier way.
 
ksmybuttons said:
The only one who has control over your self esteem is you.

Remembering this every day is key. There will be challanges, but standing strong is the only way to get through. If the predators see you faulter just a little, they'll tear you down and rip you apart. Believeing that you can get by and survive on your own for any reason, emotional, financial, etc. is the only way.
 
crazybbwgirl said:
(doing kegels as I write)

I think much of self esteem is founded in childhood. I think it depends a lot on how our parents treated us. Yet it's one of those amazing facets of our personality that can still be tweaked when someone does us wrong.

I think a lot of the "childhood" stuff can be over-done. I had two parents who told me how wonderful I was every day - but once I got out into the real world, I found that everyone else wasn't NEARLY as supportive...

I find that very often the people who have the most self esteem actually deserve it LEAST...
 
zhukov1943 said:
I think a lot of the "childhood" stuff can be over-done. I had two parents who told me how wonderful I was every day - but once I got out into the real world, I found that everyone else wasn't NEARLY as supportive...

I find that very often the people who have the most self esteem actually deserve it LEAST...

But being raised in a supportive family should give you the self esteem to carry on in the cruel world? How can you 'deserve' self esteem?
 
crazybbwgirl said:
But being raised in a supportive family should give you the self esteem to carry on in the cruel world? How can you 'deserve' self esteem?

Let me put it a different way - often, I find that people who think a lot of themselves (and who never hesitate to tell you as much) really don't have all that much to be proud of...

So many times, it seems to me that people with a lot of self-esteem simply aren't very good at identifying and assessing their own failings.
 
crazybbwgirl said:
But being raised in a supportive family should give you the self esteem to carry on in the cruel world? How can you 'deserve' self esteem?

In theory, it's supposed to. I too was raised in a loving, supportive home, but my mom had low self-esteem, and I inadvertently picked up some of her negative ideas and behaviors. I do remember feeling pretty good about myself at home, but that love and praise wasn't able to counteract the damage inflicted by school and other kids.

I've noticed most of the people who appear to have high self-esteem actually feel the worst about themselves...they're simply good actors.
 
But isn't self esteem how you feel about yourself? I mean - right or wrong - its how you veiw yourself as compared to others. How can someone have too much?
 
crazybbwgirl said:
But isn't self esteem how you feel about yourself? I mean - right or wrong - its how you veiw yourself as compared to others. How can someone have too much?

"Too much" self-esteem can mean that you have unrealistic views of your ability - such as high-school kids who are just SURE that they don't need to study, because they're gonna get that fat NBA contract (despite the fact that they absolutely SUCK at basketball).
 
ksmybuttons said:
Kegels are great for self esteem.

The only one who has control over your self esteem is you. Once you decide you're okay, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you build who you are based on the opinion of others, you will never have it.

You don't care what Mr Buttons thinks?

On one hand I hear you and agree, but by having a relationship, you are opening yourself up to that person. I think most people care what their SO, parents, sibblings and close friends think and they can effect your feeling of self worth.
 
zhukov1943 said:
"Too much" self-esteem can mean that you have unrealistic views of your ability - such as high-school kids who are just SURE that they don't need to study, because they're gonna get that fat NBA contract (despite the fact that they absolutely SUCK at basketball).

Ok - but is that self esteem or is that just a big ego? Is there a difference?
 
crazybbwgirl said:
Ok - but is that self esteem or is that just a big ego? Is there a difference?

That's a good question - I'd peg "excessive self-esteem" as being pretty much synonymous with "inflated ego", but that's just my own personal opinion. Is there a psychological definition for "self-esteem"?
 
CoolidgEffect said:
You don't care what Mr Buttons thinks?

On one hand I hear you and agree, but by having a relationship, you are opening yourself up to that person. I think most people care what their SO, parents, sibblings and close friends think and they can effect your feeling of self worth.

You pick the people with whom you have relationships. If you have an unhealthy relationship with someone, you choose to be in that relationship.

There is no relationship that you have to stay in if it belittles you. No relationship. Sure, you want people to like you, but if they don't are you going to define yourself by them or are you going to define yourself?
 
Huh - I just had a thought...

Have any of you ever noticed a correlation between high levels of empathy for others and low levels of self-esteem? It seems to hold true with the people I know...
 
ksmybuttons said:
You pick the people with whom you have relationships. If you have an unhealthy relationship with someone, you choose to be in that relationship.

There is no relationship that you have to stay in if it belittles you. No relationship. Sure, you want people to like you, but if they don't are you going to define yourself by them or are you going to define yourself?

I agree, but I thought you were saying people couldn't effect your self-esteem. I think they can. But you are right, you can choose who you allow to enter your sphere of influence.
 
http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html

"Poor Self-Esteem vs. Healthy Self-Esteem
People with poor self-esteem often rely on how they are doing in the present to determine how they feel about themselves. They need positive external experiences to counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that constantly plague them. Even then, the good feeling (from a good grade, etc.) can be temporary.

Healthy self-esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations."
 
zhukov1943 said:
That's a good question - I'd peg "excessive self-esteem" as being pretty much synonymous with "inflated ego", but that's just my own personal opinion. Is there a psychological definition for "self-esteem"?

Ok - So I don't know how to cut and paste and quote all in one post - its not affecting my self esteem! lol

But it does seem like people with big inflated egos most likely have low self esteem.

That website had some pretty good information on it really. I just googled self esteem!
 
zhukov1943 said:
Huh - I just had a thought...

Have any of you ever noticed a correlation between high levels of empathy for others and low levels of self-esteem? It seems to hold true with the people I know...

I think people with high self esteem are more capable and more likely to be helpful and empathetic than people with low levels of self esteem. I'm not sure if that agrees with you or not?
 
"The three faces of low self esteem:

The Impostor: acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. Lives with the constant fear that she or he will be "found out." Needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem, which may lead to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out.


The Rebel: acts like the opinions or good will of others - especially people who are important or powerful - don't matter. Lives with constant anger about not feeling "good enough." Continuously needs to prove that others' judgments and criticisms don't hurt, which may lead to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or fighting authority.


The Loser: acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. Uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing his or her life. Looks constantly to others for guidance, which can lead to such problems as lacking assertiveness skills, under-achievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships. "
 
zhukov1943 said:
Huh - I just had a thought...

Have any of you ever noticed a correlation between high levels of empathy for others and low levels of self-esteem? It seems to hold true with the people I know...

Great question. I've noticed people with a lot of empathy often have low self esteem too. In my case, I can easily look at the strengths, weaknesses, and actions of others, and assess them accurately. But when it comes to looking at my own actions, I tend to automatically judge them as "wrong" or "not good enough." I hold myself to a higher standard, and judge myself harshly, yet am very sensitive, openminded, and empathetic with others. Perhaps it's because I know how horrible it feels and don't want to inflict that kind of pain on others.
 
crazybbwgirl said:
"The three faces of low self esteem:

The Impostor: acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. Lives with the constant fear that she or he will be "found out." Needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem, which may lead to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out.


The Rebel: acts like the opinions or good will of others - especially people who are important or powerful - don't matter. Lives with constant anger about not feeling "good enough." Continuously needs to prove that others' judgments and criticisms don't hurt, which may lead to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or fighting authority.


The Loser: acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. Uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing his or her life. Looks constantly to others for guidance, which can lead to such problems as lacking assertiveness skills, under-achievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships. "

Ok, couldn't they give them better, more positive names? Saying, "hey, I'm a "loser"" doesn't put you on the path to higher self-esteem!
 
Interesting topic.....

I grew up in a chaotic home, full of abuses, I had very low self-esteem for years. I was and am empathic to others, I am not sure empathy has much to do with self-esteem. I found the source of my empathy came from doing serious inventory of my actions in life. The abuses I came from didn't give me a 'pass' on being human, it was searching my actions that gave me the gift of empathy and humility.

I learned self-esteem, and still work on it, by really listening and believing people I trust as they made comments about me. I also learned by my gut, I know when I'm doing something wrong, I can't fool myself any longer and I choose to listen to that instinct, I don't want to feel poorly about myself - not anymore.

There is an honesty included with self-esteem that will make it genuine. Egos can get in the way and fog the way but I still rely on people I trust and my instinct.

I like the info Crazybbwgirl posted (really need to come up with a nickname for you! lol). There are those with very big egos, they seem to need to tell you they are wonderful because in reality they need the approval of others. I find them to be easily spotted, people with a true sense of esteem, for themselves and others, tend to be quiet with their actions.
 
This is very interesting. How would you suggest helping someone with admitted low self esteem, without feeding their ego?
 
SweetErika said:
Great question. I've noticed people with a lot of empathy often have low self esteem too. In my case, I can easily look at the strengths, weaknesses, and actions of others, and assess them accurately. But when it comes to looking at my own actions, I tend to automatically judge them as "wrong" or "not good enough." I hold myself to a higher standard, and judge myself harshly, yet am very sensitive, openminded, and empathetic with others. Perhaps it's because I know how horrible it feels and don't want to inflict that kind of pain on others.
I am so with ya o this one.

Ok, so what are excercises to improve self esteem. What if you know you are a good person, do good things, help others out, love who you are on the inside, but the outside weighs at you so heavily that it diminishes the importance of the inside? Nothing anyone does or says can help. One has to overcome this on their own, but how? When you've tried everything you can to fix the problem and nothing works?

I have seen several discussions on this, and so many come forth that have good self esteem and noone can offer any advice on how to help the not so good self esteemers get on the right track.
 
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