Sex Chat - better than wife?

Sex Chat - is it better than with wife?

Well folks, I just discovered my husband joined this thing to have cybersex with other people. I was naturally hurt he hid this from me because I felt he was cheating. I'm trying to understand. He said he's here because he can't make me come and here he chats with ladies who say they do. I love having sex with him but his ego is shot that I cant orgasm. How else can I satisfy him? It might just be my destiny that I can't orgasm even though I love having sex with him. How can I fix this?

well, I'm no expert, but I'd say you need to take everything you just said here and tell him this is how you're feeling in a non-sexual setting (i.e. not in the bedroom).

If you think the problem is solely that you cant orgasm from whatever he's doing, then maybe he isnt hitting the right buttons. Have you ever orgasmed before him or by yourself? If not, look into spending some time alone to find out what does it for you in that respect and then take the time to show him sometime.

To be honest, in my personal experiences, the only time I've not orgasmed with a man is when he's being a bit selfish and not tending to my needs sexually. From what I've gathered, that's the same thing for a lot of other women as well. And something that you need to speak with him about.

unfaithful2005 said:

Well folks, I just discovered my husband joined this thing to have cybersex with other people. I was naturally hurt he hid this from me because I felt he was cheating. I'm trying to understand.He said he's here because he can't make me come and here he chats with ladies who sat they do. I love having sex with him but his ego is shot that I cant orgasm. How else can I satisfy him? It might just be my destiny that I can't orgasm even though I love having sex with him. How can I fix this?

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Welcome to Lit, even if it's not under the best of circumstances.

It's really unfortunate that your husband's ego is wrapped up in whether or not you have an orgasm. It's also really unfortunate that he's using your not being able to have an orgasm as his excuse for being here. You have every right to feel betrayed.

Incidentally, just because the person he's chatting with says she's had an orgasm doesn't mean that she actually has. Maybe she's just trying to stroke (so to speak) his ego.

What do the two of you do during sex to attempt to make you cum? Despite what porn would have us believe, not all women have an orgasm solely from intercourse. Different women need different stimuli. For some women, it's clitoral stimulation; other women find that annoying. And, of course, there's always the G-spot. It's difficult for me to have an orgasm during sex, unless we're in just the right position, and it took lots of experimenting to figure that out.

Masturbating might be a good place to start. Explore your body, and do this on your own if you don't feel comfortable doing this in front of your husband. Once you figure out what your body responds best to, then you can show him.

You should both check out some of the threads on the How To board; you can learn lots of things on here.

BOTH of you should try not to place blame--on ANYONE. It's counterproductive. It gets repeated on here quite often, but communication is essential. This is something that you need to work on as a couple.

Thank you ladies. Its quite ironic that I'm seeking refuge in the very website that my husband betrayed me in. I orgasm on my own, but just haven't been able to do it during intercourse. With this whole thing happening, I'm thinking about seeing a therapist to see if there's something we can do about it. I don't want to lose my husband just because he feels awful about not getting me off.

Therapy is a good idea, and hopefully he will want to get some as well...I'm willing to bet this has nothing to do with your orgasms, and everything to do with his self-esteem and/or other issues. His betrayal isn't a result of your actions/inaction, so don't let it be pinned on you.

As the smart and lovely ladies before me have said, there's nothing wrong with you. I'm not sure what you've tried or need, but if you'd like to try for an orgasm during sex, maybe try a clitoral vibrator? Also, look into g-spot stimulation ( if you haven't already found it, this is a great thread ), and have fun practicing. I rarely have an orgasm during intercourse, but we're both thrilled with how much he turns me on and happy with me having one before or after. Or not...the journey really is the destination in this case.

Best of luck to you!

SweetErika said:

Therapy is a good idea, and hopefully he will want to get some as well...I'm willing to bet this has nothing to do with your orgasms, and everything to do with his self-esteem and/or other issues. His betrayal isn't a result of your actions/inaction, so don't let it be pinned on you.

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I second the recommendation that you think about couple/marriage counselling. It really sounds as though you two could use a good excuse to communicate.

Your husband might benefit by doing some searches in the How To forums for threads about other women (and even men) who cannot cum - either at all or while with another person. Instead of boosting his ego by going behind your back and cybering with other women, he could be making better use of his time by learning how to please his wife and work through his own ego issues.

As others have pointed out, you've done nothing wrong. In fact, you've done everything right by taking steps to figure out how to save your marriage. I suggest that you tell your husband everything you've told us...let him read this thread, even. You need to know if he's as willing as you are to save your marriage - does he want to learn how to please you or overcome his fears, or is he looking for a convenient way out? It's a tough question to have to ask of yourselves, but it needs to be done. Before you get to work on fixing your problems, both of you need to be sure that you want to fix them. Personally, I'd be concerned that he was playing on Lit without telling you about it - but it could possibly be that he really was just ashamed of his shortcomings and was to embarassed to say something.

Regardless, relationships are about open communication. It's a two-way street, and doesn't work if just one person is vocal about their feelings. You've been honest with him about not being able to orgasm, and he should reciprocate.

I'm glad you see the beneficial potential of Literotica - many people would direct their hatred at the site if they found their partner 'cheating' through it. But there are threads and stories here that could help you and your marriage. There are dozens and dozens of threads about people struggling to orgasm, and I don't think it would hurt for you and your husband to read through them together. Maybe it would give you some new ideas to try in the bedroom - both for you to cum, and for him to be okay with it if you don't.

Good luck

Can I ask has he ever made you orgasm using your technique for self-stimulation without penetration sex?

The other thing you could do to stroke his ego is to lay back and fake it, it sounds as if you have possibly not had very many sexual partners. If you have had any before your husband could you come with them?

It sounds as if you either can’t reach the point of enough stimulation to trigger your orgasm or you can’t let go enough to have one.

You can practice with him in a foreplay situation?

i think lynxie's idea about pointing him to this thread is great.

i'm adding my voice to the chorus that this isn't about you: it's about him. i've been romantically involved w/ my wife since, let's see now...1990. we've been married since 1998 and are a week away from our 7th anniversary. i have done things of which i'm not proud, but when i did, i never tried to put the blame on her, b/c she didn't do anything. it was me that did something and the onus belonged on me to try to fix it.

i've never been to couples counseling but i fail to see how it could possibly be anything but helpful, frankly.

ed

i think the important thing is that you communicate to each other. my wife knows i get off over the net, so there isn't that sense of betrayal. I also have plenty left for her, so she doesn't feel deprived!

Thanks Everyone!

Wow, I'm really greatful for all the responses from both the ladies and the gents. We both haven't been with very many partners so maybe inexperience is the reason.

My husband is very sorry and I can see that he's apology is genuine. We're both trying to be more open to each other about experimenting because even though I don't orgasm, he excites me beyond what I can explain to him.

We just made love again and even though I still didn't come, being more vocal on how he makes me feel during sex excited him a lot. I came touching myself, which is usually the case, but I feel he also enjoyed watching me. It will be a work in progress. We'll try the finding my Gspot next. I just spotted a thread that's worth a try.

FWIW, IMX most men find it exciting to watch their partners touch themselves. i'm certainly one. :> i'm glad to hear that you're both communicating more openly now.

ed

unfaithful2005 said:

We just made love again and even though I still didn't come, being more vocal on how he makes me feel during sex excited him a lot. I came touching myself, which is usually the case, but I feel he also enjoyed watching me. It will be a work in progress. We'll try the finding my Gspot next. I just spotted a thread that's worth a try.

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just a thought here. Next time he's watching you play with yourself, why not pull one of his hands into the fun too and show him, with your hand over his, exactly what you want? If you go for something like that, it'll give him a learning experience, as well as giving you an orgasm.

As for the G-Spot Thread - read some of the cautions given in it about standing up afterwards and stuff..

Ezzy said:

Can I ask has he ever made you orgasm using your technique for self-stimulation without penetration sex?

The other thing you could do to stroke his ego is to lay back and fake it, it sounds as if you have possibly not had very many sexual partners. If you have had any before your husband could you come with them?

It sounds as if you either can’t reach the point of enough stimulation to trigger your orgasm or you can’t let go enough to have one.

You can practice with him in a foreplay situation?

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Yes, I can come touching myself. I just can't seem to do it from oral or intercourse even though I enjoy it a lot. I tried touching myself during intercourse, but its more distracting than pleasureable. We haven't had very much partners. I know he made his ex come, that's why sometimes I think its me. I've had oral sex before with my boyfriends, but I purposely saved myself for the one I intended to marry. My husband comes from intercourse each time, but I guess it really kills him not to see me come even though I tell him I enjoy it a lot. I wouldn't be initiating sex if I didn't enjoy it so much.

unfaithful2005 said:

We both haven't been with very many partners so maybe inexperience is the reason.

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Possibly. You can, however, have unsatisfactory encounters with lots of different partners. I haven't had sex with all that many people, but I've experienced lots of different things. It's more about the quality of sex you're having than the number of people you do it with.

I came touching myself, which is usually the case, but I feel he also enjoyed watching me.

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My husband and I enjoy watching each other masturbate. Since you're obviously able to have an orgasm, you just have to work together to figure out how HE can make this happen. How often do you get the chance to practice something that's so much fun?

It will be a work in progress.

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Good Luck!

something else I thought of while I was napping today...

when you're with him sometime, and he's pleasuring you in some way that isnt intercourse, try having you blindfolded. It will close off the vision aspect of everything for you and possibly make the rest of the experience a bit more intense (it does for me anyways). This is one of the things I ended up having to do when I was first starting out experimenting sexually and couldnt reach orgrasm from anything the guy I was with was doing.

Willing and Unsure said:

just a thought here. Next time he's watching you play with yourself, why not pull one of his hands into the fun too and show him, with your hand over his, exactly what you want? If you go for something like that, it'll give him a learning experience, as well as giving you an orgasm.

As for the G-Spot Thread - read some of the cautions given in it about standing up afterwards and stuff..

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I learnt how my wife makes herself orgasm doing this very thing, somehow it is very special to help her come the way she does it herself, and to have her hand resting on mine is......*sigh* ......nice

Good luck, it seems as if he is willing to listen and learn, so keep talking to each other and you just might surprise yourselves with what you find out.

I think cyber is probably a better alternative than real life sex as far as cheating goes. Many people look at it as mutual masturbation.

As someone who has been in long term cyber relationships with a couple married men, it seems to me that what they really wanted/needed was acceptance and intimacy. Many men seem to equate intimacy with sex.

Advice-learn more about sex, your body and organisms. Let your husband help you masturbate while he is doing nothing else distracting. I some times get sensory overload which can be distracting, try eliminate any other distractions, sometimes I use ear plugs, blind folds, sheets wrapped around me, and my partners body to block them and focus on sex.

Sometimes sex in the morning when you have just woken up with your lover helps, because you are used to everything and being beside him, so its not so distracting. Another trick is come first by yourself or with him doing oral, then have intercourse.
You should show your husband using your hands how you like to touch yourself, keep at it until he can duplicate that with his fingers, then his tongue and fingers, then try intercourse in a position where he can use his fingers on you.

I hope this helps. If you want to im me someday, I would be happy to talk to you more in depth.


Noor

Missingman: I will still be here when you get back. There will still be a place in my life and heart for you, when you are ready we will find a place we both can live with. I have some ideas we could try.

I don't understand why you think he betrayed you. He is talking to people who have like interests. He is looking at pics of women some more beautiful than others. He is not telling everyone he wants to fuck them. He is not setting upe meetings to have sex. He is discussing a topic that he enjoys and trying to find different methods to enhance your sexual experiences.

So therefore, I think it is not betrayal but rather wanting to make things better.

nelbuts5256 said:

I don't understand why you think he betrayed you. He is talking to people who have like interests. He is looking at pics of women some more beautiful than others. He is not telling everyone he wants to fuck them. He is not setting upe meetings to have sex. He is discussing a topic that he enjoys and trying to find different methods to enhance your sexual experiences.

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In her first post, she says, "I just discovered my husband joined this thing to have cybersex with other people." She goes on to say, "I was naturally hurt he hid this from me because I felt he was cheating." Whether you or I think unfaithful2005's husband "betrayed" (and I think I did use that word in my first post to this thread) her is irrelevant, because SHE obviously viewed it that way, and HER opinion, not ours, is ultimately what matters.

So therefore, I think it is not betrayal but rather wanting to make things better.

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How does one "make things better" by cybering with other women when, for some reason, his wife's not able to have an orgasm during sex? How, exactly, does that help HER?

It's pretty much a moot point anyway since it seems that unfaithful2005 and her husband are trying to work this out.

nelbuts5256 said:

I don't understand why you think he betrayed you. He is talking to people who have like interests. He is looking at pics of women some more beautiful than others. He is not telling everyone he wants to fuck them. He is not setting upe meetings to have sex. He is discussing a topic that he enjoys and trying to find different methods to enhance your sexual experiences.

So therefore, I think it is not betrayal but rather wanting to make things better.

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Umm ..

Well folks, I just discovered my husband joined this thing to have cybersex with other people. I was naturally hurt he hid this from me......

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Seems like a good enough reason to feel betrayed.

nelbuts5256 said:

I don't understand why you think he betrayed you. He is talking to people who have like interests. He is looking at pics of women some more beautiful than others. He is not telling everyone he wants to fuck them. He is not setting upe meetings to have sex. He is discussing a topic that he enjoys and trying to find different methods to enhance your sexual experiences.

So therefore, I think it is not betrayal but rather wanting to make things better.

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I wouldn't be upset if he came to this site to learn more on how to enhance OUR sex life. He came here and decided to pursue women to have sex with them on a webcam. Online, I admit is not as bad as in real life (that I made very clear would not even get a second chance), but when you do it behind your wife's back who truly loves you to death, is quite unfair don't you think?

The bitterness comes from the fact that he didn't feel guilty sliding next to me in bed and kissing me goodnight after someone else made him come just a few minutes before. I just felt it was selfish, conniving and just plain disrespectful. Hope that helps in clarifying things a bit.

Eilan said:

In her first post, she says, "I just discovered my husband joined this thing to have cybersex with other people." She goes on to say, "I was naturally hurt he hid this from me because I felt he was cheating." Whether you or I think unfaithful2005's husband "betrayed" (and I think I did use that word in my first post to this thread) her is irrelevant, because SHE obviously viewed it that way, and HER opinion, not ours, is ultimately what matters.

How does one "make things better" by cybering with other women when, for some reason, his wife's not able to have an orgasm during sex? How, exactly, does that help HER?

It's pretty much a moot point anyway since it seems that unfaithful2005 and her husband are trying to work this out.

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Thanks Eilan. Is it only women that have a conscience? If my husband caught me getting online and exposing my privates on a webcam to get off with other men without telling him, wouldn't that make him think something is wrong? The fact that its kept hidden means there is deception - something you don't do when you truly love somebody.

Anyways we are trying to work things out. He is sorry and says he got carried away. I think thats what happens when you don't think of consequences. When he saw how devastated I was, he stopped cold turkey.

What I learned by being in this website is that this is a place that allows people to be anything they want to be, especially to be even more daring than you would ever be in real life. I'd like to believe that my husband loves me too much to ever risk losing me again. I hope this incident was the wake up call he needed to know that some fantasies are best left just that - fantasies. I am trying to learn what caught his fancy and I'd very much like to fulfill his fantasies rather than have him go elsewhere for it.

The funny thing is I ended up chatting with one of his cybermates when she IM him one night. Don't worry, I didn't cus her out. I figured that wouldn't accomplish anything. All she knew was my husband had a great cock on the camera and not that he had a wife that cried for days.

I just ended up asking her what my husband liked. I figured she was doing something that good that made him forget why he had that ring on his finger. I learned a side of him I never knew. She was actually pretty cool, we connected on the female basis. I did ask her to never IM my husband again, politely of course. I actually thanked her for being honest and for respecting my wishes. There are plenty of men out there that can replace my husband for her needs, but I have only one marriage to save. I hope she understands.

unfaithful2005 said:

Thanks Eilan. Is it only women that have a conscience? If my husband caught me getting online and exposing my privates on a webcam to get off with other men without telling him, wouldn't that make him think something is wrong? The fact that its kept hidden means there is deception - something you don't do when you truly love somebody.

Anyways we are trying to work things out. He is sorry and says he got carried away. I think thats what happens when you don't think of consequences. When he saw how devastated I was, he stopped cold turkey.

What I learned by being in this website is that this is a place that allows people to be anything they want to be, especially to be even more daring than you would ever be in real life. I'd like to believe that my husband loves me too much to ever risk losing me again. I hope this incident was the wake up call he needed to know that some fantasies are best left just that - fantasies. I am trying to learn what caught his fancy and I'd very much like to fulfill his fantasies rather than have him go elsewhere for it.

The funny thing is I ended up chatting with one of his cybermates when she IM him one night. Don't worry, I didn't cus her out. I figured that wouldn't accomplish anything. All she knew was my husband had a great cock on the camera and not that he had a wife that cried for days.

I just ended up asking her what my husband liked. I figured she was doing something that good that made him forget why he had that ring on his finger. I learned a side of him I never knew. She was actually pretty cool, we connected on the female basis. By the end of our 3 chatting sessions, she ended up liking me more than him and was trying to seduce me many times. I did ask her to never IM my husband again, politely of course. Great lady, but I'm strickly heterosexual and very much in love with my man. Thanks, hotlyn692004, for being honest and respecting my wishes. There are plenty of men out there that can replace my husband for your needs, but I have only one marriage to save. Glad you understand.

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I`m glad he realises what he almost lost, you sound like a very determined and loving wife, it makes you wonder why we sometimes open ourselves up to strangers rather than those at home.
I hope everything works out for you, to me he would be crazy to walk away from such a willing and caring person.
Good luck.

unfaithful2005 said:

Well folks, I just discovered my husband joined this thing to have cybersex with other people. I was naturally hurt he hid this from me because I felt he was cheating. I'm trying to understand. He said he's here because he can't make me come and here he chats with ladies who say they do. I love having sex with him but his ego is shot that I cant orgasm. How else can I satisfy him? It might just be my destiny that I can't orgasm even though I love having sex with him. How can I fix this?

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Of course those ladies come. They are stimulating themselves while chatting with him. You come when you stimulate yourself, too.

There is nothing wrong with you. I repeat, there is nothing wrong with you. If his ego is shot that you can't orgasm, that is not your fault. His ego should be shot because he made you feel as bad as you feel because of his hiding his cybersex activities from you.

You've gotten some good suggestions on how to work on the orgasm thing. Keep in mind, many women never orgasm through intercoure alone. Some women don't orgasm through oral or fingering, either. There is nothing wrong with you.

If he must cyber, perhaps he could cyber with you? It might spice things up a little, and you two can explore what turns you each on without having to be face to face.

Good luck, sweets!