girlfriend dealing with depression. help will be apriciated

i have been with my girl almost 8 months now. i love her and i know she loves me. she has told me so and she has proved it in my eyes.

over the past 8 months she has gone from being quite and reserved and almost hermit like to trying new things with me. she never went out to movies before. she never ate at a restaurant like outback where they bring the food to you. she never has been very sensual with a person before me.(i am her 2nd lover)


but for every step forward we take it seems to make another part of her turn back. she says i make her happy when im around. but i feel like when she gets depressed it may be my fault for exposing her to these things she never did before because of either her reluctance or that she feels she cant do those things when she isnt around or some other reason.

she has depression medication that she takes when it hits her. she has always had it since she was a child. its nothing that i gave her. and she says since we have been together it has been less and less. but when it does happen it hurts me. her face turns blank and it makes me think i did something to offend her or make her angry.


she has opened up to me tremendously. the last barrier we broke was 2 weeks ago when she told me she loved me. she would write it down before or nod if i asked her but wouldnt say it. but after i had the worst most stressful day in my life she gave me a ride to work and saw me stressed out and ready to just fall down from it. when i told her good bye from the car she told me she loved me. the only thing that kept me from saying it back is i would have started to cry. i told her this a week later on a card with some roses on her bed she found when she got off of work.


but despite all of this i sometimes dont know how to make her happy. i refuse to leave her because of something like this. but it seams like everytime i make her happy for a day its just a drop of depression waiting to make her come back down.

if anyone has experience please give me some advice. sorry for the rambling but i just wrote it as it came to me.

madmanmike said:

i have been with my girl almost 8 months now. i love her and i know she loves me. she has told me so and she has proved it in my eyes.

over the past 8 months she has gone from being quite and reserved and almost hermit like to trying new things with me. she never went out to movies before. she never ate at a restaurant like outback where they bring the food to you. she never has been very sensual with a person before me.(i am her 2nd lover)


but for every step forward we take it seems to make another part of her turn back. she says i make her happy when im around. but i feel like when she gets depressed it may be my fault for exposing her to these things she never did before because of either her reluctance or that she feels she cant do those things when she isnt around or some other reason.

she has depression medication that she takes when it hits her. she has always had it since she was a child. its nothing that i gave her. and she says since we have been together it has been less and less. but when it does happen it hurts me. her face turns blank and it makes me think i did something to offend her or make her angry.


she has opened up to me tremendously. the last barrier we broke was 2 weeks ago when she told me she loved me. she would write it down before or nod if i asked her but wouldnt say it. but after i had the worst most stressful day in my life she gave me a ride to work and saw me stressed out and ready to just fall down from it. when i told her good bye from the car she told me she loved me. the only thing that kept me from saying it back is i would have started to cry. i told her this a week later on a card with some roses on her bed she found when she got off of work.


but despite all of this i sometimes dont know how to make her happy. i refuse to leave her because of something like this. but it seams like everytime i make her happy for a day its just a drop of depression waiting to make her come back down.

if anyone has experience please give me some advice. sorry for the rambling but i just wrote it as it came to me.

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Am I understanding you correctly when you say that she only takes her medication when she is feeling down?

If so, it's my understanding that these types of medications should continue on a daily basis, regardless of her moods, in order to gain maximum benefit.

This maybe her problem, or since she has a history of taking them, maybe a new drug is in order.

I would suggest a doctor appointment and/or therapy.

NaughtyLil1 said:

Am I understanding you correctly when you say that she only takes her medication when she is feeling down?

If so, it's my understanding that these types of medications should continue on a daily basis, regardless of her moods, in order to gain maximum benefit.

This maybe her problem, or since she has a history of taking them, maybe a new drug is in order.

I would suggest a doctor appointment and/or therapy.

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I agree whole heartedly.

All anti-depressants are meant to be taken on a daily basis... If she only takes them once in a while, the affect that the medication will have on her will be minimal... Keep in mind that many anti-depressants take a full month of DAILY USE in order to achieve their full affect.

it's also possible that her meds aren't working for her any longer... doc may need to try a new script or something.

a dear friend of mine from college was manic-depressive and went through a whole littany of meds before there was one that worked well/consistently... and even now there's a chance that it'll change many more times during her life.

bottom line is... depression isn't something to be dealt with by non-professionals. help her get medical attention.

as far as what YOU can do with/for her directly, there's really nothing much other than understanding. holding her responsible for (or trying to change) her mannerisms/attitude is about the same as blaming a person with a cold for having a runny nose.

madmanmike said:

....

but despite all of this i sometimes dont know how to make her happy. i refuse to leave her because of something like this. but it seams like everytime i make her happy for a day its just a drop of depression waiting to make her come back down.

if anyone has experience please give me some advice. sorry for the rambling but i just wrote it as it came to me.

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I have experience with this. My first and only marrage was to someone just like you describe, and I felt then just as you do now. I am going to make worst case assumptions here....

This is perhaps the most difficult relationship one can engage in. It may not be impossable, but it can be damn close to that.

First, YOU cannot make her happy, you have no control over her depression, besides you can never be responsable for how someone else feels, depressed or not. You only affect things at the margins, the depression is in the drivers seat.
You only have control over yourself.

Second, if she has had this since childhood as you say, she sounds like she has a classic biochemically driven chronic depression.

Third, She WILL go through cycles...ups and downs.. and perhaps she will do this meds or not, the meds will take the edge off the lows, but may not eliminate them. Thas may be life-long. You need to really study depression, the types, etc. Knowledge is your best friend in dealing with this.

Fourth, if you decide to stay in this relationship, YOU will need to have a councelor, and you both will need to see a councelor together, and ..she will probably need to be under the constant supervision of a therapist.

Fifth. Meds are not magic bullits. BTW, what people have already said about needing to stay on meds and how one has to be on them for a while to get any effect is right on. Having said all that, have you seen the movie "The Awakening" ? With really severe chromnic depression, it is sort of like that movie, some meds may work for a while, and then stop working, a doctor may need to combine meds, change meds, may even need to do blood work to ensure the proper blood level is being attained. Some meds can cause all sorts of side effects. An example, the med that worked the best for my ex, at the blood level that was effective for her stopped bowel peristalsis. They could only use that drug for a limited window of time., then change meds for a while...then go back, etc.

Sixth: So, seeing the best doctor you can find, that has the most experience with this, is mandatory IMHO.

Seventh: You really need to be clear with yourself about why you are in this relationship. You also have to be able to take care of yourself. Being the White Knight here will not work, and is a very bad reason to be in this relationship. You have to give up any idea that you can change her, or 'fix" her. All you can do is accept her, and do what you must to emotionally survive all that that will imply, and to find the resources you will need to support her.

Bottom line, you are on a rough road, it may never get smooth. Do you have the horsepower for that?

Here's my advice

No comment.

.....

it sounds like you are being very wonderful and sweet to her. i really applaud you for that and i hope you have the strength to keep up with her. i know how you feel and i've also been on the other side. my husband and i alternate bad depression mood changes. yay for us. lol

anyway. i think it's great how wonderful you are being for her. if you feel like you can't handle her depression at any time be completely honest with her. if she's serious too she'll think about counseling and then you two could know how to effectively deal with eachothers coping mechanisms. if nothing else talk a lot .

May I guide you here to this thread? There is a lot of info abounding there as well as a lot of support. Feel free to drop in.


https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=303914&page=1&pp=25

sorry to be stupid but... What are you asking of this? how to cure her depression? how to make her happy?

Now unfortunatly under the sercumstances it is unable to cure her and or near impossible to make her totaly happy, depression of a chemical way is dominant no matter what the situation, she could be the absolute best time of her life and start crying because she is depressed and sad. its not nothing you can do besides plug her with meds. and hope for the best.

now, if your asking how You can deal with it, it depends on how you look at it, and how you deal with the pain, Depression of partners hurt more than just that one person, every one around them feels it. and their partner feels it the most. in order to deal with it, you have to look at it a diffrent way, opposed at looking at her sad all the time you have to start enjoying the fact that you can make her happy, she will always be sad, but if you can make her happy that is an achivement in and of it self. if you can focus on that then youll find yourself closer to her.

Unforutnatly love of depressed people is a hard thing, i personaly love people that are in pain (a flaw of myself im afraid) and ive been through quite a few relationships with depressed people, bi-polar, suicidel, agressive, regressed... you name it. ive seen it. in most cases you have to focus on the good, and what you do. not the bad or whats happening right now. and you have to absolutely love it.

sorry to add a perverse comment but, its like how i treat sex. i enjoy the fact that i made a women cum. weither or not i climax is of no greater diffrence to me. the idea that I made HER cum is a brillent thing that i focus on making sex a greater experence for me. apply this logic to the idea of making her happy, then you too will be happy. even if she isnt happy all the time.


if you want the worst of it. she is depressed, seek out therapy and docters. thats the only way to supress it. outside of that she will ALWAYS be depressed and simple things will make her even more depressed. in depression its hard to be happy, and its easy to fall from happy to sad. if you cant take the torment that she is sad, then id suggest leaving her. because eventualy youll not treat it like love youll treat it like a job, you dont need her, she needs you though. and your love for her will decay and you will eventualy get to a point where you do hurt her, but in her depression and her slow opening to emotion this simple rejection which is all to evedent will be an earth shattering thing to her, often it will lead them to suicide.

hope it helps on the insight into this matter.
pyro
Paul

Also, it really really really helps if you are completely black hearted like myself.

i am extreamly emotional and i love and care for people deeply, but i have been through enough relationships with screwed up people that i have the ability to be black hearted. more of a nessary evil type thing.

now this isnt about being selfish, black heartedness is your ability to shun emotion, love caring regret hate. the ability to accept the truth, facts, or even the wrong as right.




You have to acknowledge you Cant fix it all, and some times, the things she does, Are the things she needs. if she breaks down on the side walk and starts crying. you naturaly want to comfort them. tell them its alright and stop them from crying. but ive learned that for some people, They Need to cry some times. its hard to do but ive had to watch a girl cry infront of me and do nothing about it, because i personaly knew it was the best thing for her. she needed to cry out her emotions and she needed to have her mind race through her sorrows, and didnt need me trying to interupt this and have her stop crying.

i could sit here all day and explain how to be blackhearted but its something you find out yourself, you have to do things you dont want to, be mean when need be, dont do things when you want to... its slowly learned and to alot of people... its very crude, mean, and inhumane. but if it wasnt that then i wouldnt call it blackheartedness then now would i?

with depression its a long game of give and take, and you have to get the levels right or else something bad will really happen.

I've got a bit of experience with this. My wife was diagnosed with depression about a year before we were married.

Obviously it didnt scare me off.

Some of the advice given here is excellent. Depression can be corrected, maybe not cured, but it can be treated to the point where the individual can lead a normal life, without having that constant fear underneath that could pop up at any moment.

Medication may not be the only answer, but its been effective in our relationship. My wife's been through a few different perscriptions. Each of which were daily pills that in order to be effective had to be taken daily. Do you know what medicine your girl is on? It may be so that she only needs to take it when she feels an "attack" coming on. But ive never heard of such a thing. I'm no expert, just saying is all.

A few things that may help.
I didnt see this mentioned in any of the replies so far, maybe i missed it. You mentioned in your first post that you almost felt like it was your fault. That something you did caused her to get upset, or sad. DO NOT think that way. If you start thinking that its your fault, it will ruin what you have with her. Also, dont think of any of it as her fault, she has a problem that she cant just "stop". The best thing you can do is be supportive of her, and learn anything you can about her problem. If she's been diagnosed by a doctor, she may have a name for the type of depressions she's got. Look around the 'net, ask a doctor if you are able, anything you can find to help you understand what she's going through. I did a lot of research after my wife (finace at the time) had her first "attack" that prompted her doctor visit. And its helped me a lot in our relationship.

It may help to find something that seems to set her off, and try to resolve it together.
For example, my wife has been somewhat obsessive about her weight since high school. What woman isnt right? Well she's pretty bad about it. To the point where i suspect that it helped cause her problem in the first place. Anyway, I help her with her weight, help her watch what she eats, excercise, things like that. I also do whatever i can to try to support her in what she wants to do about it.
Maybe your girl doesnt have something in particular like that, that you can attack togeter, but if there is, it may help.

Sometimes when my wife gets in one of her lows, she says things that i know she doesnt mean. I cant tell you how many times she's told me that she wanted to divorce me. Twice she's even gone as far as packing all her clothes into one of our suit cases. Then sh'll calm down, and in the morning, she'll be herself again.


On our first wedding anniversary, my wife included in the card that she gave me, something along the lines of "Thank you for standing by me through my depression." Among other things of course. Those are the things that make it all worth it. Lets me know that no matter what she says, no matter how she feels, she still loves and appreciates me, and what i try to do for her.

Sorry for rambling on so long. If any of this helps you, its worth it.

If you dont read anything else in this post, read this line:
Calling it quits just because she's depressed is the easy way out. Personally, i never take the easy way. Youll find that the reward is greater when youve worked harder to acheive it. Maybe someday youll end up married, maybe itll end up in divorce, or maybe you will be the happiest couple on the planet. Turning tail just because of one problem is just not the way out.

I have depression. I've been in a relationship for about 9 months.

For the past 3 months or so, I've been fiddling with me meds - going off one, starting another. So I've been cycling - up and good one day, down and depressed the next - no control and no pattern. It's been a hard 3 months.

They've been hard on me. I find it very difficult to be "intimate" (even hugging, hand-holding, etc.) when I'm down - it feels clostrophobic and crushing. I felt out of control in my own body and it's a scary feeling. It was hard on me because I knew it was hard on him.

They've been hard on him. Watching me cycle and knowing there was nothing he could do to "fix" me, but plenty of ways he could accidently "hurt" me. And yes, I said some hurtful things I didn't really mean.

I'm starting to even out now and it's good to be me again.

There has been a lot of hand-hold and reassuring on both sides. One of the first things I did when I got the "uh-oh" feelings is told him. Then I spent the 30 minutes reassunring him that not every depressed person kills themselves and that I wasn't going to either. I went to the bookstore and flipped through a bunch of "so someone you love is depressed" helpbooks and found one I liked, that went through all the things I need when I am down, and gave it to him. It's helped him understand A) what depression really is and not just what is on TV, and B) what I need.

There will always be ups and downs. But with proper medications and your love the downs will become fewer and shorter.

madmanmike said:

she has depression medication that she takes when it hits her. she has always had it since she was a child. its nothing that i gave her. and she says since we have been together it has been less and less.

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Less does not mean gone.

1.) Antidepression meds can take 4 to 6 weeks to reach full effect.
2.) it could taked several more months to get the dosage correct.
3.) by not taking them she makes it more likely for a "relapse."
4.) Having a supportive person to be with can help the moods, but she really should not stop taking the meds just because she feels better -when the meds work their way out of her system she will feel bad again and it will take several weeks to get the medication in her system back to where it needs to be.


Since she has suffered chronic depression all her life, she should already know these things. I suggest you explain to her how much you want to see her remain happy and want her to take her medication as prescribed - i.e. every day. If the medication dosage she is taking does not seem to be helping, have her speak to her doctor about changing dosages/switching meds until a combination and dosage are reached that leaves her feeling decently most of the time.

I should know, I'm taking Zoloft and Trazadone daily. Prozac left me too low, it wasn't as effective for me. But I take my meds every day, even if I have had a few good days or weeks. The meds are WHY I have had good days.

chicago31man said:

I have a TON of experience with this. My father had depression, as well as my ex-wife.

My advice is this - I know you love her, but get out now.

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So I guess your marriage vows didn't include that "For better or for worse" line?

Women with chronic depression should not have kids. They can have major issues with post partum depression from the pregnancy, as well as the fact that they can barely take care of themselves, let alone children.

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Is this a scientific fact or your opinion? ANY woman can have PPD. I had PPD after my second child was born. I have NO personal history of depression, and I certainly didn't see it coming.

EJFan said:

depression isn't something to be dealt with by non-professionals. help her get medical attention.

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Yeah. What he said.

Eilan said:

So I guess your marriage vows didn't include that "For better or for worse" line?

Is this a scientific fact or your opinion? ANY woman can have PPD. I had PPD after my second child was born. I have NO personal history of depression, and I certainly didn't see it coming.

Yeah. What he said.

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Thank you for saying some of what I wouldn't/couldn't say.

chicago31man said:

I have a TON of experience with this. My father had depression, as well as my ex-wife. I have talked to a number of therapists on this, and I know how you feel, having lived with a depressed wife for 7 years.

My advice is this - I know you love her, but get out now. Your girlfriend has chronic depression. This will last her entire life. She needs to be on regular medication, and be in therapy regularly. Even with that, she will continue to have multiple depressions throughout her life. There is not much you can do for her with respect to this.

Having lived with a depressed person I loved, I know how hard it is. You try to be supportive, but sometimes its never enough. You can't relate to what they are going through.

Women with chronic depression should not have kids. They can have major issues with post partum depression from the pregnancy, as well as the fact that they can barely take care of themselves, let alone children.

I'm not trying to be negative here, its reality. I tried for 7 years to do what you are attempting to do. What eventually happened was that she cheated on me, and I had to divorce her. I think part of the reason that she did that is she realized that she couldn't give me a family, and was pulling me down in her mind. She had a major breakdown after that, and hasn't been the same since. She is on meds, but doesn't go to treatment on a regular basis.

I suggest talking to a therapist, someone that specializes in depression, and let them tell you what you are up against. In my mind, why even get involved in this? There are so many people out there that you can fall in love with that don't have this issue. Not trying to be insensitive, but rather realistic. It's hard enough to make a relationship work, without this issue as well - it is a huge one.

Good luck to you.

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I'm sure in all of your helpfulness here you weren't negative at all while you were with her.

You're a real piece of work yourself.

Eilan said:

Women with chronic depression should not have kids. They can have major issues with post partum depression from the pregnancy, as well as the fact that they can barely take care of themselves, let alone children.

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Is this a scientific fact or your opinion? ANY woman can have PPD. I had PPD after my second child was born. I have NO personal history of depression, and I certainly didn't see it coming....

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My ex and I could not have children, because she had to be on powerful meds constantly. We considered (with doctors input) having her go off them, but we decided we just could not risk that. The issue about having children depends on the type and severity of the depression and the medications involved.

Eilan, good point about PPD. That can happen to any woman, existing depression does increase the risk though, but paradoxically... many depressed women DO NOT get that! Go figure.

One way to look at all this: Lets say she did not have depression, lets say she had MS. Would that be anyones fault? NO! Would that make things difficult? YES!
Does it make things impossable? NO!

Does it mean BOTH partners will have to seek the help of professionals? YES!

Does it mean BOTH partners will have to do A LOT of extra work to make the relationship work? YES!

Exciteher said:

My ex and I could not have children, because she had to be on powerful meds constantly. We considered (with doctors input) having her go off them, but we decided we just could not risk that. The issue about having children depends on the type and severity of the depression and the medications involved.

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That's kinda what I was thinking, though not really what I said--that it would vary according to the individual situation with, of course, professional input. These generalizations/blanket statements annoy me.

Eilan, good point about PPD. That can happen to any woman, existing depression does increase the risk though, but paradoxically... many depressed women DO NOT get that! Go figure.

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Yeah, well, I can get a little bitter at times because PPD was the "straw that broke the camel's back" in my first marriage. Talk about kicking someone when she's down. . .

One way to look at all this: Lets say she did not have depression, lets say she had MS. Would that be anyones fault? NO! Would that make things difficult? YES!
Does it make things impossable? NO!

Does it mean BOTH partners will have to seek the help of professionals? YES!

Does it mean BOTH partners will have to do A LOT of extra work to make the relationship work? YES!

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Good point. There's a stigma associated with mental illness, I guess because it's something that we often can't see. My husband changed insurance companies when he retired, and I noticed this when I looked over the new company's booklet. Doesn't seem fair.

madmanmike said:

over the past 8 months she has gone from being quite and reserved and almost hermit like to trying new things with me. she never went out to movies before. she never ate at a restaurant like outback where they bring the food to you. she never has been very sensual with a person before me.(i am her 2nd lover)


but for every step forward we take it seems to make another part of her turn back.

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I think you've noticed something that isn't talked about much in the books on the mood disorders: one of the problems in treatment -- particularly with the long-term forms -- is that recovery is almost as scary as the disorder itself.

An analogy -- suppose a person wakes up one morning and finds he can fly. Maybe he'll be a superhero by afternoon. More likely, I think, a typical reaction would be, "Cool, I can fly... I like it, but it's freakin' weirding me out." It's fun and exciting, but also filled with unknowns and potentially dangerous.

So it is with recovering from depression. A person finds out what his new capabilities are, what they aren't, and how it all interrelates with the bigger picture. Sometimes a person will get ahead of himself, then maybe retreat a little too far, then find his way back. It's all part of the process. This is where a first rate therapist and / or psychiatrist comes in handy.

My psychiatrist and I have been going through this for years. Say my level of functioning on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being almost unable to get out of bed) started at 1. Each step up the scale made me want to take the next step. When I got to 3, I wanted to go to 4. I did, but I got spooked, and dropped back to 2. Then I gradually made it to a solid 4, then 5. But I wanted to hit 6. And so on.

Even today, I sink to what I think are new lows. My psychiatrist points out, "Yes, this is a low compared to last year... but compare where you are now to where you were seven years ago." He's right. Seven years ago, being where I am now seemed bizarre and unattainable. Now it's not enough.

It's a process and it's an adventure. Not always pleasant, but the rewards are there for both the depressed and the people who love them.

Naturist said:

I think you've noticed something that isn't talked about much in the books on the mood disorders: one of the problems in treatment -- particularly with the long-term forms -- is that recovery is almost as scary as the disorder itself.

An analogy -- suppose a person wakes up one morning and finds he can fly. Maybe he'll be a superhero by afternoon. More likely, I think, a typical reaction would be, "Cool, I can fly... I like it, but it's freakin' weirding me out." It's fun and exciting, but also filled with unknowns and potentially dangerous.

So it is with recovering from depression. A person finds out what his new capabilities are, what they aren't, and how it all interrelates with the bigger picture. Sometimes a person will get ahead of himself, then maybe retreat a little too far, then find his way back. It's all part of the process. This is where a first rate therapist and / or psychiatrist comes in handy.

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Welcome Naturist! Wow..this is a magnificent and illuminating point!

This brings to mind something else... when my ex went into a low, I would almost "out run" her emotionally... into my anxiety and anticipation about her downward trajectory, thinking "How bad will it get." Then when she came out of her low, I would "lag", still white knuckled and gripping on for dear life, while she on the other hand felt better and better. I would get emotionally "out of phase" with her, I would still be reacting as if she were still in her low. I knew in my mind I should be happy that she was better, yet for a few days in my body and emotionally I felt profoundly tense, as if she was not better.. these sorts of cycles of MINE were something I had to work on a lot with MY therapist. Emotional "whip lash".

Eilan said:

So I guess your marriage vows didn't include that "For better or for worse" line?

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That is a pretty cold-hearted thing to say.

Chronic depression affects the entire family, not just the person who has the illness. Unless you know chicago31man personally, how do you know what he did or did not do to save his marriage before he finally decided he could no longer be in it? Where is the line in the sand? When depression changes the person you married into someone you no longer recgonize? When their depression changes you into someone you no longer recognize? When your child looks at you and says, "Wow, mom, that's the first time I've heard you laugh in years"?

"For better or worse" is nice in theory, but in reality sometimes there are situations that are just too emotionally draining for a person to stay in. That doesn't make a person bad. It makes them human.

It's not coldhearted at all, it's the truth. How do you justify the "get out now" line?
Acceptable?

LadyG said:

It's not coldhearted at all, it's the truth. How do you justify the "get out now" line?
Acceptable?

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Yes, he did say "get out now", but he also added later, "Not trying to be insensitive, but rather realistic. It's hard enough to make a relationship work, without this issue as well - it is a huge one." And he is right. He's telling this man to think long and hard about getting involved with this woman while she is just his girlfriend of 8 month, based on his own seven year experience with his wife. If this man is already worrying about "how to make her happy" at this stage of the game, then he needs to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for the times when she might not want to get out of bed for months at a time.

Maybe it's because his post came across as coldhearted and callous.
Not all relationships will survive depression but a hell of a lot of us do.