My neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore

I first realized that the friendly Chinese family who lived next door had moved out one warm summer night in August. I had spent way too many hours on Lit and retired to a deep slumber around 1:45 am. I was startled awake around 3:00 am by the the sound of a very persistent knocking, nay, pounding on my back door. Petrified, I crept through my apartment and peeked out a window to my back porch. Standing there was a Dudley Moore circa "Arthur" look-a-like, eyes glazed over, about to pass out.

Turns out, I was not the object of this lonely gentleman's affection that night. He was looking for my new neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore.

It is interesting to share a patio, several walls, and in fact, the whole floor of my apartment building with a crackwhore. Well actually, I have yet to see any crack in her possession, but that is neither here nor there . Trust me, this woman leads a colourful life.

I thought I would post my observations, encounters and anecdotes about Kelly here for your (okay, my) amusement. If I get my timing right, I may even be able to get some photos, either of her, or some of her many many male suitors.

Feel free to post questions and comments. I have already had several encounters with KtCW.

If you are a crackwhore, I apologize in advance.

MG

Feb 19th, 2006 - edit

I've decided to index my stories. However, I encourage you to read the full thread because its the array of comments and questions that makes it so entertaining. If you lack a sense of sarcasm, please close this window now.

# 1: My Neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore

# 2: Dead birds and black eyeliner ~~ Now with photo accompaniment (thanks Mecha)

#3: The Laundryroom Incident

# 4: Ground Floor Tour

# 5: Mullets & Wifebeaters

# 6: New Year's with KtCW: Part One

# 7: New Year's with KtCW: Part Two

# 8: New Year's with KtCW: Part Three

# 9: New Year's with KtCW: Part Four

# 10: New Year's with KtCW: Part Five

# 11: New Year's with KtCW: Part Six

# 12: Tables are turned: My Neighbour, the Ultra-Conservative Prude

#13: The Importance of Communication in a Relationship

#14: Crackwhore Analogies

#15: Wednesday Evening Crackwhore Banter

#16: Casual Hallway Banter

#17: (Not and update, but holy hell, this shite is funny)

#18: Update: More Info On Mr. 10-speed Bike Guy - Is He Or Is He Not Kelly's Brother...

#19: End of the week update

#20: R.I.P. Kelly Senior

#21: W.O.M.D. Doors.

Are you for real?

This should be fun.

I can't wait to hear these stories!

Dead birds and black eyeliner

Glad to see a few responses...and so the fun begins!

So after the Dudley Moore event in August, I became slightly preoccupied hoping to finally catch a glimpse of my new neighbour. Now, at this point, I really had no idea what she looked like; all I knew was that men who look like Dudley Moore like to visit her by pounding furiously on her (and by accident, my) door at 3am.

I didn't have to wait long.

About 3 days later I had a knock on my front door (what a novel idea!) around 6pm. I live in a locked building so I knew it had to be someone who lived in the building. I answered the door and there she was; my new neighbour Kelly.

She stands about 5'4" and is very petite. She emits an odour of cigarettes and booze - you know the smell your clothes have after spending a night in a bar. She has straw-like dyed-blonde hair past her shoulders - the kind of hair you can only grow after years of cigarette smoking. She was wearing a light T-shirt that went down mid-thigh loosely belted at the hips (think Material Girl), and a pair of heels. Her skin showed her real age - probably somewhere in her late forties (I could be wrong...I suppose she could be much younger and the years of abuse on her body have aged her). Her dark black eyeliner circled around her upper and lower eyelids was proof that she hasn't read any fashion mags since 1983.

She introduced herself with a smile, "Hi I'm Kelly." She seemed pleasant enough, but something wasn't quite right. She was very jittery and quite agitated. Upset, she told me that there was a dead bird on my porch. She didn't know how it got there, but she was worried it could be carrying some plague-like disease. She said, "I was sitting outside for awhile before I noticed the dead bird. Now I'm all itchy (picture her scratching herself furiously). You have to do something! Call the landlord!" I promised her I would and puzzled, thanked her for notifying me. I shut my door leaving Kelly scratching away in the hall. The smell of tobacco lingered in my doorway for about another 40 minutes.

I knew I was in for quite an adventure living next door to Kelly. I also started to affectionately refer to her as my new "Crackwhore" neighbour.

My crackwhore neighbour has 2 male visitors this evening and the stench of tobacco is permeating the halls...oddly, "Jingle Bells" is blaring from within her lair...

Oh ,you have to keep going with the KTCW stories.

borg3of4 said:

Oh ,you have to keep going with the KTCW stories.

Click to expand...

Hey thanks for using the new patented KtCW lingo!

There isn't much movement from within her apartment today. Not even the sounds of Christmas carols.

I think my next face-to-face encounter with Kelly came a few weeks later, probably during the beginning of September. My building has 8 apartments, two on each floor. I live on the bottom floor with KtCW. Also on our floor is a communal laundry room we all share. One night I put my laundry in and then went back into my apartment. I sort of forgot about my clothes until I could hear someone inside opening the washer (the building is about 60 years old, and not so soundproof ). I got up and went into the laundry room only to find my new neighbour Kelly, this time in a lovely shade of thick blue eyeliner, which made me feel slightly nostalgic for the fashions of yesteryear.

She wanted to use the washer so she had started to remove my clothes. But here is where she is going to dispel any misconceptions you may have about CWs. She had actually went and got a garbage bag to lay down on the counter to lay my clean clothes on. I mean, that wasn't really necessary, but it sure was thoughtful. Some people don't even care if your laundry falls on the floor.

Anyway, we exchanged pleasantries as I proceeded to put my stuff in the dryer and she started her wash. She still reeked of booze and ciggies, but I gained a new fondness for crackwhores that day.

Must hit the subscribe to this thread button.

This provided my first belly laugh of the day...reminds me of a former roommate who had an alcohol problem.

You may need to put a sign on your door that points to KtCW's door so that you aren't woken by the next Dudley Moore lookalike.

Great thread M.G.!!!! We can always count on you for something new and different!!! I'll definitely be keeping up with this one!!!

Thanks Denae, Fenderman and borg3of4 Please subscribe so you don't miss any crack moments!

I'm going to have a great time telling my stories and trying to keep up with her. I'm going to start taking photos of the interior of our building so you can better orient yourselves

Hey MG. I'm new to lit . Subsribe?

Yes hon, close to teh top of the page you'll see where it says thread tools, just click on it and your'll see subscibe. In your email, you will get notified when there is a new post in this thread.



Great stories MG.

pink_ said:

Yes hon, close to teh top of the page you'll see where it says thread tools, just click on it and your'll see subscibe. In your email, you will get notified when there is a new post in this thread.



Great stories MG.

Click to expand...

Thank You Pink. Always nice to have someone looking out for the rookies

Denae said:

Must hit the subscribe to this thread button.

This provided my first belly laugh of the day...reminds me of a former roommate who had an alcohol problem.

You may need to put a sign on your door that points to KtCW's door so that you aren't woken by the next Dudley Moore lookalike.

Click to expand...

Subscribed to this one MG, can't wait to hear the next installment of The Adventures of KTCW . . .

(I also think it's horribly sad, but amusing at the same time. . .especially male suitors while playing Jingle Bells . . .it just seems so . ..so . ..wrong! )

MG....

my dear your talents are wasted on us poor Lit Derelicts. You've got to take your show and your humor on the road...

Anyway... if you DO plan to take pictures of your neighbor, how about not getting caught doing it. I lived above a Mafioso for a couple of years, and he was not at all keen on that particular media. Yes, he truly was a Mafioso, albeit sort of a fallen one: he handed me a sheaf of papers once he found out that I, his upstairs renter, was an English Major. On them were scrawled several pages of wandering stories about petty operations in which he had been involved. He wanted me to be his ghost writer. I very very gently turned him down.

Danny (I still don't dare write his real name. He REALLY WAS/IS a mafioso), owned a grocery downstairs, which made no money whatsoever on groceries. There were a few knife-fights in the street below, whose result invariably was no damage to either drunken party, the cops coming to haul them away to the tank, and both with their arms wrapped around each other, sobbing "I love you, man! You're my brother! I love you, man!"

I didn't take pictures of those moments either. Some scenes best recorded on the retina.

Photo warning...

Thanks IM...not only for a wonderfully amusing anecdote, but for the advice.

As previously mentioned, I haven't actually seen any crack in Kellys possession, but some of her male "friends" are really gross and probably shady. We may have to wait for Spring to arrive before actual Kelly shots are posted - then I could take them from inside my apartment...hmmmm...

But first, I shall take some photos of the apartment building so people can get a better visual.

Ground floor tour...

Okay, this is going to help you faithful subscribers...

Firstly, what you have all been waiting for, a photo of the KtCW's front door!. One day this will revolve on its own, its certain.

This next shot shows the ground floor from the main entrance of the building. My front door is in on the back wall on the left hand side. Kelly's is the second door (closest to the back wall) on the right. The first door on the right contains the water softener. I'm not sure if that will be relevant information or not. One can never predict a crackwhore's next move.

Directly to the left of the entrance is the laundry room, site of the garbage bag incident.

I stood outside to snap one of these photos, so I turned and took one of the exterior...you can see we had a lot of snow here yesterday. Haven't seen Kelly emerge from apartment #1 since the snow began.

BUT!

I did hear her laughing from inside her apartment when I was taking these photos. I think she is on the phone as I didn't hear any other voices. Although, it is quite probable she is talking and cracking herself up. I will keep you posted if a visitor arrives - perhaps she was making an "appointment."

Her laugh was quite loud and boisterous - kind of cackled. I was a little frightened.

ROFLMAO - amazing how sad some people online get when they have to start making chronicles about their so called 'crack whore' neighbor and taking pictures of their apartment building like they were documenting a crime

now I've seen it all! THANK GOD FOR THE IGNORE BUTTON!

keiffers said:

ROFLMAO - amazing how sad some people online get when they have to start making chronicles about their so called 'crack whore' neighbor and taking pictures of their apartment building like they were documenting a crime

now I've seen it all! THANK GOD FOR THE IGNORE BUTTON!

Click to expand...

yeah.... it's almost as sad as someone who has to make a big show of pointing out that they're going to ignore a thread because because they apparently think it's beneath them to read it. whatever, dude....

keiffers said:

ROFLMAO - amazing how sad some people online get when they have to start making chronicles about their so called 'crack whore' neighbor and taking pictures of their apartment building like they were documenting a crime

now I've seen it all! THANK GOD FOR THE IGNORE BUTTON!

Click to expand...

Wow.

This is probably the most mean-spirited post I've ever seen on Lit, including in the GB.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to read through a thread that doesn't interest you and then slam me, the host, instead of just closing it and moving on. You don't even know me, and I certainly don't know you - so to pass judgement instead of seeing the humour in the thread is very disturbing indeed.

If for some reason (and I can't for the life of me see why) you have an issue with me, please PM me to we can settle it privately. If you simply didn't like my stories, then please take your own advice and ignore the thread in the future. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to insult people on an adult-themed chat board that has one purpose and one purpose only; to amuse.

Happy Holidays to you,

MG

montrealgirl said:

Wow.

This is probably the most mean-spirited post I've ever seen on Lit, including in the GB.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to read through a thread that doesn't interest you and then slam me, the host, instead of just closing it and moving on. You don't even know me, and I certainly don't know you - so to pass judgement instead of seeing the humour in the thread is very disturbing indeed.

If for some reason (and I can't for the life of me see why) you have an issue with me, please PM me to we can settle it privately. If you simply didn't like my stories, then please take your own advice and ignore the thread in the future. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to insult people on an adult-themed chat board that has one purpose and one purpose only; to amuse.

Happy Holidays to you,

MG

Click to expand...

MG darlin consider the source!! Thankfully he hasnt popped up on any other threads I follow lately--whenever I do see his name though I just pass the post by without reading it--I have found that the best way to deal with him

This is a fun thread so dont worry about one person who cannot seem to control his urges to try and stir up shit with people Just keep updating us on KtCW so we can have our giggles

wildfyre

montrealgirl said:

Wow.

This is probably the most mean-spirited post I've ever seen on Lit, including in the GB.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to read through a thread that doesn't interest you and then slam me, the host, instead of just closing it and moving on. You don't even know me, and I certainly don't know you - so to pass judgement instead of seeing the humour in the thread is very disturbing indeed.

If for some reason (and I can't for the life of me see why) you have an issue with me, please PM me to we can settle it privately. If you simply didn't like my stories, then please take your own advice and ignore the thread in the future. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to insult people on an adult-themed chat board that has one purpose and one purpose only; to amuse.

Happy Holidays to you,

MG

Click to expand...

keep on having fun and doing what you enjoy - at least you know that if he actually did indeed put you on ignore you'll never have to deal with him responding to your posts any more

MG. Don't pay attention to Keiffers . He is just one of those mean spirited people. They're sad . They don't get it,they never will . So keep up with
the KTCW stories.

phoenix67 said:

keep on having fun and doing what you enjoy - at least you know that if he actually did indeed put you on ignore you'll never have to deal with him responding to your posts any more

Click to expand...

Oh and wouldnt that be just a little slice of heaven on earth
I think he put me on ignore AGES ago but damn he didnt announce it to the world--I dont feel special anymore *sniff*