How to talk to wife about her enjoying anal play...(getting her to admit it)

Now that my wife's libido is on it's way back into town, things are looking up.
(background.)

I'd really like to open up our borders, and start having anal sex. Or at least a little more anal play. Who wouldn't? I can be patient though, and I will be.

When I'm performing oral on her, she likes it when I pay some attention to her ass. She won't come out and say it, but I can tell she enjoys it.
I think she is nervous about me wanting to proceed too quickly though.
That or she's feeling guilty about enjoying what I'm doing to her.
I say this because she has asked me to "not play so much down there" once or twice. (she hints that she just wants me to focus on her clit)
The funny thing is, the first time I gave her a rimming, it was unintentional: I got a little agressive with my licking (her on all fours) and she jumped and moaned. Hmmm. Lets try that again. Same result. I ended up licking her asshole and thumbing her clit until she had a VERY strong orgasm. Clearly she liked that!
A few other times during oral play she's let me push/play/rub on her asshole while I lick her clit. She's even pushed back a few times, but always recedes before my finger makes it past the second sphincter
She has to be really turned on for this to be an option, as I'm guessing her inhibitions are forgotten in the heat of the moment.


OK, we've established that she likes anal play, now the hard part: Talking to her about taking it further.
Why is it hard to talk to her about it? I don't know. It shouldn't be.
She is very conservative in nature. She is easily embarassed, and is not uber-confident about herself. She's somewhat sensitive about her post-childbirth body (I do my best to reassure her).

I think she'd really open up to this, if she would let herself. I'd let her experiment on me if she wanted to, but I don't think that would interest her. She's very much a sexual introvert. I'm ok with that, as long as she lets me keep myself busy by exploring her!

How do you suggest I talk to her about proceeding with this play? (that she won't openly admit she likes.)

What can I do to really convince her that I'll let her control the pace?

I'd really like to expand our horizons, and I KNOW she'd enjoy it. I'm not just thinking of getting my rocks off, and sticking it in her ass. This would be good for both of us, and fun to boot.

Advice?

Well as I've said before, patience. Judging by her reactions I think you ahve read her correctly: she likes it, but she's embarassed to admit it, even to you. So why is it so hard to talk to her? Well, you've said she has a lack of self confidence so I think that's the big red flag right there. The only way to overcome that is constnat, patient reinforcement of her self image.

I guess if I were having this conversation I would take the following approach:

1.) Take her aside and ask her if you can talk about something. Let her know this isn't some huge life changing thing and it's not a problem or anything, but its something that you really want to have a clear understanding of with her. Make her feel easy about talking about it so she's not on the defensive. Also don't make it sound like a sexual thing you want to talk about because she'll get defensive right away. Bring it up in a non sexual setting. The trick is to get her comfortable, not get her inhibitions up before you even reveal the topic.

Don't say "I want to try this" or anything that makes it about you, make it about her. You're getting mixed signals from her and you want to clear it up so you don't do something she doesn't want. "Honey you know how much it means to me that you enjoy when we make love, but I'm a little confused about something. Can you help me understand? The other night we were making love and when I touched your ass the way you reacted seemed like you really enjoyed it. Sometimes though, you tell me not to. Do you not like it? I mean, I want to give you pleasure, but I don't want you to do something just because you think I want you to."

NOW, this opens you up for a big shoot down, but that's the risk you take here. This isn't about how do I manipulate her into doig it, it's about how do we really discuss it and get to how she really feels. She may very well only be letting you do it because she thinks you want to. The chances of that are probably slim, but it's still a possibility. This is the only way to know for sure.

If she admits she likes it, which if you are tactful and non agressive she probably will, then you can discuss going further.

"You know hum, I'd love to explore this further. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about rushing into anal sex or anything, or about doingn anything you aren't comfortable with. I just think that if this is something that makes you feel good then I'd like to keep doing it. I'll admit it, I get excited by the prospect of exploring a new way to give you pleasure, but if you don't like it then there's no enjoyment for me. I understand that you might be apprehensive of even scared a little, but if we do explore further you'll set the pace. At any time you aren't comfortable you can tell me to stop and I'll just back off and we can do something else. You can trust me to stop at anytime. I won't push you.

Now that's the PERFECT WORLD way it'll go. It probably won't go that smooth, so you'll just have to roll with it. The key points though that you have to get across to her are:

1.) This isn't about screwing her ass, this is about exploring something new.
2.) She's in control. At anytime she can ask you to stop and you'll back off. You won't push her and you won't try to talk her into it. If you ask her once and she says no, leave it until the next time.
3.) If she gets defensive ask her what she's scared of, but don't say it like you're calling her a chicken. Tell her you really want to know what she's scared of, because she can feel safe with you because you would never hurt her.

I know all this is easy for me to say because my wife and I talk fairly openly about sex, but it wasn't always this way. The biggest thing to remember is don't get frustrated if this conversation goes south right away. Just give it a few days, maybe a week or even two, then try again. Patience, my friend, patience.

For those of us who are sexually conservative, anal play, although pleasurable, is quite a mentally difficult thing.

I had the attitude that my anus was dirty, had a single function, and although sometimes it felt good to be touched it was still somehow wrong. Even though we've been together 14 years I still had mental limits about my bodily functions. I never allowed hubby to be in the room when I was having a BM, and I hated to talk about anything related to that area. I even found it difficult to tell him if I had the runs when I was sick. I guess somehow in my mind "nice girls" may have a behind and shit like everyone else, but you certainly don't talk about it. And if you don't talk about it and its dirty, why would you want to involve it in your sex play? DH and I had tried anal sex years ago which was a total turnoff for me. It was just nasty and painful.

Like you, my DH kinda stumbled across my ass one day during oral and I really enjoyed it. We'd already been experimenting with anal play for him, he was always very clear when/how he wanted it.

Anyways...to make a long story short....he communicated with me that he was unhappy with our sex life. It wasn't about the anal at that stage, just about me being more assertive sexually. I got on my computer on a quest for information about spicing up our sex life and I found the lovingyou website. I spent a whole heap of time browsing the boards there and obviously started to come across threads about anal play and intercourse.
It did not take me long to figure out that a) some women DO like it and b) my previous experiences were tainted due to ignorance and lack of experience. I was able to read peoples posts with an open mind, and then found myself being aroused by it. Until that point I had communicated with DH that anal contact of any kind just turned me off! Not entirely accurate, but easier than dealing with the unsaid expectation that touching the ass leads to a cock in the ass! LOL. And then I found Lit after a kind link from someone who also frequents the other board.

So we talked about it some more, and I told DH that I was open to at least trying a bit of anal exploration, and he assured me that I would be in the drivers seat, we set limits that he could work within and nothing above that would happen without my physical instigation. So he was free to explore during foreplay, specifically he could play with my ass with his tongue when he was 'down there', but if I wanted any finger action (which is somehow more threatening) I would have to give him a clear indication to do that, either verbally or by unmistakeable body language. At this point I was able to finally admit to myself that I enjoyed it, and after he told me I 'seem to like it', he got a grudging admission that it was OK.

Anyways....it did not take long at all before we started getting to the anal intercourse. The first time I was exceptionally nervous, moreso that I had to take the lead. Being the sexual aggressor for the purpose of my own pleasure has always been pretty difficult for me. So I did the deed, mainly because it would show that I was willing to make an effort to keep DH happy. But WHOA.......that lasted about 3 seconds! OMG it was amazing! I think I came within about 2 minutes...and hard! I kinda thought after that point it was dishonest and completely pointless to deny enjoying it! LOL. So I could admit it was good, with a little embarrassment on my part (like, yeah baby it was good.....blush....blush.....just shut up about it now ok?....blush....blush)

The other thing I have found since then (this whole process has been going on for about a month), is that apart from a few teething problems with lube and technique, there has been nothing bad or messy or unpleasant happen from this. It's all been good. So mentally and physically I now need less time and preperation for anal than I did to begin with.

The one thing I still struggle with a little is I guess what you would call 'pussy envy'. Realistically I know that my ass is just different than my pussy, and its more new and exciting right now, but I think most women have insecurity about their partner prefering the ass over the vagina. You can't help but think.....'so what? my pussy isn't good enough anymore?'

If you can encourage her to browse the boards (lovingyou is less threatening for the beginner) it could be a good starting point for her to begin to mull over and challenge her beliefs about what makes 'good sex'. Many of us are conditioned to believe that the only 'nice sex' falls within specific very 'vanilla' boundaries. It is possible to stray well outside those boundaries without feeling like a dirty kinky slut (unless you want to of course!)

TBKahuna123 said:

Well as I've said before, patience. <SNIP> Patience, my friend, patience.

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Your advice, as always is welcome. I think you're probably telling me exactly what I already know (and what you've already told me), but maybe I just need to keep hearing it? I don't know. The times that we do make love are few and far between at this point, so maybe I'm just getting impatient.
I'm the kind of guy that jumps head first into something if I want it, or if I'm interested. I think I'll have to constantly remind myself that this should be a long-term goal, lest I lose my opportunity altogether.

Thanks agin for your excellent input.

Have the ladies got anything to add?

kiwichyck said:

<snip>
The one thing I still struggle with a little is I guess what you would call 'pussy envy'. Realistically I know that my ass is just different than my pussy, and its more new and exciting right now, but I think most women have insecurity about their partner prefering the ass over the vagina. You can't help but think.....'so what? my pussy isn't good enough anymore?'

If you can encourage her to browse the boards (lovingyou is less threatening for the beginner) it could be a good starting point for her to begin to mull over and challenge her beliefs about what makes 'good sex'. Many of us are conditioned to believe that the only 'nice sex' falls within specific very 'vanilla' boundaries. It is possible to stray well outside those boundaries without feeling like a dirty kinky slut (unless you want to of course!)

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I thank you for your detailed post!

I'd love to bring this website, or the lovingyou website you mention up to my wife, but I'm afraid she'll think I'm unhappy with her. She's really quite insecure. Yes, that is her problem, as I've never given her reason to think I'd stray, or reason to think that I want "more" than her, but she is who she is. I love her for it.
She's too self-conscious to read sex-oriented websites. At least I think she is. Again, I think she'd probably enjoy it, but she's too chicken shit to try it.
She's the kind of person that gets into the pool a millimeter at a time, I'm the kind of person that does a big cannonball and tries to get people like her wet.

I'd given the "pussy envy" theory some thought. I'm confident that I can pay enough attention to her pussy to assure her that I won't forget about it. I just want both.

See, I just need her to admit that she likes it. Once she's done that, then things will progress. I know this is the way she is. She just needs to get over that hump.

I think the next we get a chance to play around I'm going to really focus on giving her oral, and forget about sex. I'll get her really aroused, and bring it up (in a subtle fashion) then. If she's steaming hot, she seems to be a little more 'free' with revealing how she feels. I think if I can get her to at least admit (verbally) that it feels good, then I'll have my foot in the door far enough to have discussion about it when our clothes are on.

More input is always welcome, but I appreciate the time you've taken to reply.

vato

See here's the deal.

I'm guessing she already knows that you want to explore more sexually. I get the impression that you're being open with her to a certain point anyway.
The good thing about the lovingyou website is that it is mostly vanilla with a little 'advanced' stuff thrown in. It is also a 'relationship' focussed website rather than a 'sex' focussed website. If she's anything like me, she'll spend ages looking at the non-sex related stuff, then the sex-related stuff will start to get her attention and she'll sneakily look around a bit more.

A good icebreaker to get her to look is 'hey baby, I found this website. You should have a look, there's some sad/crazy/weird people out there! Boy it's a laugh!' That's how I got hubby to look, and he visits himself all the time now.

I even look at pretty crazy stuff now out of curiosity. DH asked me yesterday if I was going to slap him around a bit after checking up what I'd been reading on the history! It's all good fun.

The point is that if she's anything like me, reading will pique her interest. Once my interest was piqued so was my libido. It is incredibally freeing to know that other people do the same things that you do - and crazier. And when you know that other people do it, it is somehow less threatening. Like, if I knew that my mother or my best friend was doing something, then that makes it ok. You get what I'm saying? It's crazy but thats how it works in my mind anyway. To take it one step further....if enough people are doing it and enjoying it, then I become the weird one because I WONT do it.

Man am I glad you're following along here. Allow me to bold the text that just slapped me in the face.

kiwichyck said:

See here's the deal.

I'm guessing she already knows that you want to explore more sexually. I get the impression that you're being open with her to a certain point anyway.
The good thing about the lovingyou website is that it is mostly vanilla with a little 'advanced' stuff thrown in. It is also a 'relationship' focussed website rather than a 'sex' focussed website. If she's anything like me, she'll spend ages looking at the non-sex related stuff, then the sex-related stuff will start to get her attention and she'll sneakily look around a bit more.

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That's her to the T!

kiwichyck said:

A good icebreaker to get her to look is 'hey baby, I found this website. You should have a look, there's some sad/crazy/weird people out there! Boy it's a laugh!' That's how I got hubby to look, and he visits himself all the time now.

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Done! I'm sending her an email!

kiwichyck said:

I even look at pretty crazy stuff now out of curiosity. DH asked me yesterday if I was going to slap him around a bit after checking up what I'd been reading on the history! It's all good fun.

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I know she would too!

kiwichyck said:

The point is that if she's anything like me, reading will pique her interest. Once my interest was piqued so was my libido. It is incredibally freeing to know that other people do the same things that you do - and crazier. And when you know that other people do it, it is somehow less threatening. Like, if I knew that my mother or my best friend was doing something, then that makes it ok. You get what I'm saying? It's crazy but thats how it works in my mind anyway. To take it one step further....if enough people are doing it and enjoying it, then I become the weird one because I WONT do it.

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This last line may be my saving grace. She often feels like she isn't normal, and she's said to me on more than one occasion that she doesn't want us to be known as the couple that doesn't have sex very often. (not that anyone would know, but I guess she just wants us to be on par with peers etc).

kiwichyck, you are fantastic. Keep it coming.

vato

Pleased to be of assistance!

It is something that I've been giving a lot of thought to lately. Haven't really got anything further to add at this time, so any questions, just ask or PM me. I'm usually not far from the computer and I shall add this thread to my faves otherwise I'll never find it again!
Have a squiz at the lovingyou site anyway, I got the same UN there so I guess you can follow me around if you like.

Let me know how you get on.

It feels great to be able to help another woman out!

The key is communication. That's what I'm learning these days. Plenty of women like to be anally penetrated by their men. My BF and I have done it many times. It takes some getting used to. BTW, gentlemen, when you're doing it with your lady, you're YOU. You're NOT Max Hardcore.
She's your lady, whether she likes it rough or gentle. Remember that.

kiwichyck said:

Pleased to be of assistance!

It is something that I've been giving a lot of thought to lately. Haven't really got anything further to add at this time, so any questions, just ask or PM me. I'm usually not far from the computer and I shall add this thread to my faves otherwise I'll never find it again!
Have a squiz at the lovingyou site anyway, I got the same UN there so I guess you can follow me around if you like.

Let me know how you get on.

It feels great to be able to help another woman out!

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I'll do some reading at the lovingyou website, and send her a link to it. Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll sit down next time the kids are sleeping, and do some reading for herself.

Thanks again!

vato

Well, there's a huge difference between anal play (rimming, tickling, a finger) and putting a dick in there. I like anal play, but nothing in the world will make me enjoy a cock in my ass. Nor do I care if other people like it; that won't get me any more interested in it.

Just keep that in mind, even though you KNOW she would love it. Don't get your heart so set on it that you'll be disappointed if you don't get it. Don't push it so much that it turns your sex life into a mental and physcial ordeal for her.

If she's asked you to focus on her clit, do that. You already KNOW she likes that.

You should certainly talk to her about it since it means so much to you, but don't let your disappointment register if she has difficulty talking about it or doing it.

Norajane said:

Well, there's a huge difference between anal play (rimming, tickling, a finger) and putting a dick in there. I like anal play, but nothing in the world will make me enjoy a cock in my ass. Nor do I care if other people like it; that won't get me any more interested in it.

Just keep that in mind, even though you KNOW she would love it. Don't get your heart so set on it that you'll be disappointed if you don't get it. Don't push it so much that it turns your sex life into a mental and physcial ordeal for her.

If she's asked you to focus on her clit, do that. You already KNOW she likes that.

You should certainly talk to her about it since it means so much to you, but don't let your disappointment register if she has difficulty talking about it or doing it.

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No sweat. Above all, I value her happiness. I want to make her happy.

She's my wife for life after-all. We're in it for the long haul, and I want to do what is best for both of us.

vato said:

No sweat. Above all, I value her happiness. I want to make her happy.

She's my wife for life after-all. We're in it for the long haul, and I want to do what is best for both of us.

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That's a great attitude - you shouldn't have any trouble talking with her about it. I'm sure she knows you feel this way about your relationship. That always makes it easier to talk about anything.

Great info Kiwichyck. That's an interesting approach to breaking the ice, I like it.

I also agree with what NoraJane is saying, don't let your disappointment show if it doesn't go well, especially if sexual encounters are few and far between right now.

I don't know if this would qualify, but how do I convice my hubby that I want it? He's not thrilled with the idea of it..damnit.

Oh, if you ever penetrate your woman anally, be gentle at first. Even if she urges you to go on harder. Why ? Because it's a sensitive spot. Don't just plow like you would in a field. I've been there, and I didn't like it. It almost turned me off for good, but we established new communication and understanding, and now it's something we enjoy together regularly.

TBKahuna123 said:

Great info Kiwichyck. That's an interesting approach to breaking the ice, I like it.

I also agree with what NoraJane is saying, don't let your disappointment show if it doesn't go well, especially if sexual encounters are few and far between right now.

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10-4

Can anyone top the advice I've been given thus far?

PredatorSmile said:

Oh, if you ever penetrate your woman anally, be gentle at first. Even if she urges you to go on harder. Why ? Because it's a sensitive spot. Don't just plow like you would in a field. I've been there, and I didn't like it. It almost turned me off for good, but we established new communication and understanding, and now it's something we enjoy together regularly.

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Thank you. I've done as much reading as I can on this topic. I want to do it right the first time! (if we are lucky enough to get there). I've decided that if she decides she wants to try penetration (it's her decision) I'm going to take it slow, and let her push. Ideally, I'd like her to be on top, so she can control the angle, speed, pressure etc. I know I'll like it, I want to make sure she'll enjoy it. Gotta take care of her first, I'm easy!

Um yep

I tend to get a bit tied up in what I like personally when I try to help others out! Good heads up about the anal play vs anal intercourse NoraJane. Before any type of anal activity it was important for me to know there was no pressure for intercourse, I was just making the point that it became a natural progression for me once playtime started!

Thanks for the kudos TBKahuna123, you've given me great advice in the past and it's nice when someone agrees with me.

babygrrl_702, I don't know how you could encourage him. What is his problem with it? Just disinterest or is he actually repulsed by it? Perhaps using a condom and reassuring him that it doesn't have to be dirty might help? Maybe using toys first might warm him up to the idea?

PredatorSmile, I agree. Some of you might remember my post complaining about cramps etc after my first time. In the end I put it down to bad lubricant and being overzealous. I haven't had the same problems since. Mind you, I couldn't tolerate any movement the first 2-3 times anyway. It seems the area just needs 'breaking in' a little. LOL

This site was also helpful to me as was following some of the links from there if you can overlook the fact that it is targeted toward gay men.(http://tperkins.com/anal/painless.html)

Well I would definatley say the key is communication. Try and find out why she doesn't want you to go there? For me it is definatly best when I am already really turned on and have been teased good, I want it that much more. Many people will say to use a numbing lubricant but this is very bad because even though she won't feel anything you could be hurting her and she will never want to do it again if that happens. As for the bringing the literotica site up to her I can't help you there, I was the one to spring this site on my husband, lol. We love fantasizing together so it was never an issue. I hope you will be able to help her with this.

When I'm trying something new that I find embarrassing, the best way for the man to go about it is to act like this is the most awesome thing in the world to him. If it totally turns him on, no matter how much I rain on his parade, eventually I'll come around and see it from his perspective. You, as the initiator, need to act like this just rocks your world through and through. If my guy isn't embarassed or afraid to do something, it'll eventually get through my head that he really *likes* it, and it's not weird or strange or gross, etc.

I don't really know why I get it through my head sometimes that something is particularly weird or bad, but clear and definite enthusiasm on the part of my partner makes it pretty much all better. If at least one of us is acting like this is the greatest thing since sliced bread, chances are the other will get on board quickly.

She may need to deny that it gives her pleasure and will gain pleasure from you convincing her. Just don't give up hope. Keep telling her in great detail why you think her ass is the eighth world wonder and it would pleasure you greatly to make love to it. I know that when something happens that gives my man the look, combined somewhat with the in a good way, I file that away in my brain and try to do it again!

Especially if she's insecure, I'd gently persist and compliment her immensely. In detail. Specific detail. Whatever you love about her body. Keep complimenting her, and at the same time make it really clear that this REALLY turns you on. It sounds like you've got a good attitude towards the relationship, and this means that she'll want to make you happy too. It might be easier in her mind to admit that she wants to try something new to please you than because something "dirty" pleases her. It's just easier to justify when its someone else's idea. Then, if it really pleases her too, she'll start begging you for it If not, try something else!

Sorry for the long post..

Quote:Norajane
Well, there's a huge difference between anal play (rimming, tickling, a finger) and putting a dick in there. I like anal play, but nothing in the world will make me enjoy a cock in my ass. Nor do I care if other people like it; that won't get me any more interested in it.
This is right on the money for me too.... I don't mind & somtimes enjoy the play, but I personally get NOTHING out of something deep inside. I on my own tangent... I HAVE TO BE CLEAN or my mind just has spazams about the icky factor..."scat" is not on my list of 'want to do's'

Quote:PredatorSmile
Oh, if you ever penetrate your woman anally, be gentle at first. Even if she urges you to go on harder. Why ? Because it's a sensitive spot. Don't just plow like you would in a field. I've been there, and I didn't like it. It almost turned me off for good
I personally have had surgery & have scar tissue in the rectal/colon area I find penetration very painful to say the least & normally when I have "given in" to the B/F for anal sex I am in tears by the end (no pun intended) due to the pain & trust me no amount of lube changes this for me... She may want it harder but don't, especially if it isn't a common thing you two do because once the damage is done & there is no turning back time to fix it, progress slowly in this area !!!!

Quote:skillshotmama
Many people will say to use a numbing lubricant but this is very bad because even though she won't feel anything you could be hurting her and she will never want to do it again if that happens.
Again if she can't feel anything & asks you to go harder, hoping to feel something, or amplify that twinge she felt, You may end up explaining to a hospital why her bowels are bleeding.... NEVER USE NUMBING LUBE !!!!! Be careful... this is an area of the body that doesn't see a whole lot of stress ( maybe the occasional constipation.. but ,,,) a vagina takes alot more... Childbirth, menstruation it is designed to handle the stress of alot of things...

Um, anal play is not for everyone. Me and my BF just happen to be into it.
It's not for every couple.

Libido? What libido? It seems it's taken another dive. I thought things were back on track, but I guess that was a peak, and right now we're in a valley. That's ok. I can live with peaks and valleys, I just wish the peaks were bigger (and lasted longer) than the valleys!

Nothing much to add, other than the little update. My spirits are kinda down, but I'll deal with it. Like I said in earlier posts, I'm in it for the long haul.

vato

vato said:

Libido? What libido? It seems it's taken another dive. I thought things were back on track, but I guess that was a peak, and right now we're in a valley. That's ok. I can live with peaks and valleys, I just wish the peaks were bigger (and lasted longer) than the valleys!

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Give it time. She's recovering from a year and a half of physical changes and hormone-induced ups and downs caused by childbirth and nursing.

Been there, done that x 4.