Pure
Fiel a Verdad
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2001
- Posts
- 15,135
This is an attempt to look at internet dangers and serious hassles with an effort to show balance as to the sex of 'victims', and with special attention to those seeking bdsm contacts.
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ONLINE SAFETY or
How to enjoy the internet zoo, and feed the fine tigers without getting your hand bitten off.
copyright pure (c) 2003, you may reproduce this exactly as is, without specific permission, provided it is unaltered, and for non- commercial purposes, and its author is acknowledged.
It is important to know how to protect yourself online, especially if you are arranging meetings or sexual encounters, and more so if you are a woman. Yet, much ‘online danger’, for those with experience online, is not different from dangers of real-life meetings with strangers, esp. when they become intimate—‘the one-night stand’. The issue of practices of dominance and submission presents a few special problems, but mostly those of intimate encounters with strangers.
The internet offers many fine opportunities, and lifelong friendships and marriages have started there. Talk of its dangers should not scare you into avoiding it. It’s no worse than many bars and ‘hot singles spots’, as far as ‘dangerous persons’ are concerned, once you get some online experience and 'savvy.' Think of the first time you went to a bar.
These are three types to be careful of: fakes and con artists; the slightly unhinged and hangers-on; dangerous persons, including the psychopath or predator, sexual or otherwise.
Fakes
Fakes are plentiful in real life, but the ‘net offers greater possibilities of concealment, esp. if the person if far away. Such a person may have any number of bad intentions, from taking your money, to messing with your head, to running you around the countryside. The fake may be a 14-yr-old boy (called the Exalted Master!) or a pot-bellied middle-aged man presenting as a Mistress Blood.
In talking about how to recognize fakes, remember that almost everyone is vulnerable to the truly professional con artists. Banks, not known for trust, have been fooled by the clever ones. Men have married women professing love, but interested only in their money. You cannot prevent deception from happening except maybe by distrusting everyone.
It's worth saying that the people’s talk about themselves, on the internet, is often knee-deep bullshit. You can’t see the person or body language. That stunning photo doesn’t help—who’s the person in it?
As well, all those new to 'chat,' instant messaging, and even email know that the amount and speed of self-disclosure can be awesome, overwhelming. In a few days, emotions arise that might take weeks or months in real life. Unfortunately, with the deep sense of intimacy and feeling swept off your feet, you will often lack correct, honest information, but won’t know it. You’re in love with a fake.
It won’t do any good to say that fakes are liars, slimy, dishonorable people, etc., since that won’t be written on their foreheads. We can give some warning signs:
1) Vague talk or not telling of basic facts, such as city of residence.
2) Vague info (or none) about marital status. That should suggest they are married. We’re not preaching ‘Avoid married people,’—but at least pick ones who level with you.
3) Refusal to give out a usable phone number; attempts to get you to call only at certain pre-arranged times. Periods of ‘unavailability’ for vague reasons.
4) Contradictions and shifts in details about themselves (they forgot what age they told you).
5) Odd things about lifestyle, such as fancy car, but no money.
6) Claims of great expertise that aren’t backed up (the 14 yr old is just learning ‘domination’). They won’t prove their claims, but get angry about the question.
7) Instant commitments; for instance, soon after meeting “I will be your sub, forever.” Quick hook-up and submission suggests the possibility of the person’s having a number of ‘total’ commitments. Extreme alleged practices and flattery may well be false: “I have driven a nail through my nipple, O Great Master.”
8) Surprise requests—or subtle inducements-- for money or 'loans', on an emergency basis.
This person, if they’ve over-hyped themselves, or lied about their sex, will likely avoid or keep postponing meetings, but…
9) Should there be meetings, look out for the persons who do not introduce you to their friends or avoid meeting yours.
Keep in mind that a series of hidden meetings may not mean that you are the person's true love; rather, you may be a secret pastime.
The slightly unhinged, the teensy bit unstable, and
the hangers-on
These persons with unstable lives come in all sizes and shapes, and may well seem controlled and charming. Most are not dangerous, but bring misery or problems into the lives of those around them: for example, men with wrecked personal lives; women who come on as needing a rescuer. They may want your attention or your love or your continued help in their newest ‘jam’. Some slightly unglued persons just seem to enjoy manipulating others. Look and listen for
1) Rapid changes of mood. Temper flare ups.
2) Irresponsible behavior, such as not keeping to pre-arranged times.
3) Being drunk or ‘high’ quite often, esp. when under pressure or feeling down.
4) Extreme statements about others and former friends/lovers, such as, “They are crazy” “She was evil.” Statements that others are ‘spreading false rumors’ or plotting. (Assume the person is not a defecting Russian superspy.)
Past instability indicators: a string of broken marriages, many scrapes with the law, never having held a job for long, suicide attempts. It may be possible to check for criminal record.
A dom/me, esp. one new to the ‘net, may find him- or herself manipulated, but if he or she protects personal information, it’s unlikely to get so dangerous as the “Fatal Attraction” scenario. Before it comes to the skinned rabbit in the pot, look for escalating demands for attention or helpless talk, “I just don’t know what to do without your guidance.” Supposing a dom/me is not entirely ‘out’ with his or her family or has a straight job, consider that the slightly unhinged may attempt retaliation or harassment when one tries, too late, to cut them loose. Some unbalanced persons, apparent ‘subs’ with nasty agendas are discussed in the next section.
NOTE: Often your friends’ impressions are very valuable, since they don’t share your ‘high’, your crazy lust, and aren’t in love. “He” or "she" makes them uneasy.
Dangerous Persons (who appear normal); Predators; Exploiters
These are found, one in a thousand, everywhere, beside you on the bus, or next to you in church. They are not all serial killers, but most are men with a history of impulsive, anti-social (bad debts, deserted kids), or possibly illegal acts (like frauds), and not a shred of remorse. So even if ‘only’ simple rape or theft of your savings is on their mind, it’s bad for you.
Yet their detection is very difficult, esp. on the 'net. They show charm, and don’t seem to have evil purposes; in a picture or in person, they don't have ’goo-goo eyeballs’ or a shifty look. So you’re best to follow standard precautions, despite the beating heart or throbbing sex.
In your presence, they are likely to be ‘fakes,’ but rather clever ones. Online he will look just a little too smooth and perhaps 'full of himself' or bragging. His story is too impressive: He is a champion race-car driver; he owns a five companies or sails several world-class yachts. A woman may present as a minor celebrity or model. Ask yourself how many such persons cruise the chatrooms.
In BDSM domination, the dangerous person commonly presents himself as the World-Class Master, who often finds himself badmouthed by jealous smalltime wannabes.
Likewise, someone’s (pretended) submission, if you are a dom/me, offers possibilities for exploiting you by exhausting your resources or draining your finances (say, to help in a supposed emergency, or to travel and stay in fine accommodation). While there is no physical danger, you may get a shitload of hassles.
For a start, whether you are dominant or submissive, use General Net Safety Rules for all persons online.
1) Do not give out identifying info., such as your full name, your address or city.
2) Have a nickname or ‘handle’ for the internet—or several, i.e., “Luscious lips” for most, and then “Chris Johnson” (not your name) for ‘net people, you’re getting to know.
3) If you do give a phone number, make it a cell phone, NOT your homephone (which supplies your address).
Even a workphone number has dangers, since that indicates, often, the company and location of your job.
Especially if you are a woman, you already have General Rules about Meeting Strangers:
a) Do it in a public place.
b) Avoid the person’s house, apt or car.
c) Know their name and phone number prior to any meeting. Check it (use it).
d) Let a friend know of any 1-1 meeting and arrange a ‘safe call’. (Your friend is to hear from you by phone, during the date, and some unsuspicious simple words, like “I’m fabulous.” mean you are in trouble.)
e) Avoid giving or lending money or credit card, or info about your bank accounts.
f) Realize the sexual meaning of situations, such as accepting a 3 am ‘night cap’ in his apt after a date.
g) Resist demands for secrecy, ‘don’t tell anyone about us’ etc.
BEWARE of anyone dismissing or getting angry about your safety concerns.
NOTE: As above, make an effort for friends to meet that person; listen to their impressions.
Special cautions about trying submission, or bondage.
Online, ask questions:
A) Beware of the dom or domme who won’t be questioned, has a fit of temper about that, or who asserts authority way too early, before you’re acquainted or have actually agreed to something. “Down on your knees, bitch ‘ho,” in the first five minutes.
B) Beware the ‘Supreme Master' who will teach the select
one(s) personally and secretly. He asks you to study His Writings, but ignore books, organizations’ websites, and ideas of all others. He’s very intent on instructing you, making you HIS. Know that the best masters and mistresses have no shortage of offers and do not chase after followers.
If, ONLINE, you find the person appears genuine, and you decide to meet, realize that you DON’T KNOW how he or she will behave in-person. So...
It is best and safe NOT to get tied or immobilized with someone you don’t know well. This holds for same-sex pairs as well as 'straight.' Take things slowly. At the beginning sessions:
1) Avoid ropes and handcuffs and other restraints.
2) Avoid being hooded, or gagged; be wary of blindfolding.
3) Know that allowing yourself to be tied to a bed is possibly seen as ‘You may fuck me.’ And agreeing to that weakens a later rape claim (‘She wanted it rough,’ officer).
4) Arrange a ‘safeword’, but more importantly, avoid extreme situations where one is necessary—when you’re suspended from the chandelier, coated in honey, and flames are singeing your nipples.
Summary: submitting persons should use commonsense protection/safety methods, and involve friends. Real warnings—‘red flags’-- that something is possibly very wrong include
a) early, inappropriate attempts to dominate (in the first minutes online or in person); they just seem too eager to take charge of you.
b) dismissal of your safety concerns (‘trust me’ or ‘who are you to question me?’)
Similarly, a dominant person should beware of these ‘red flags’, besides the signs of being a bit unstable:
a) too early attempts to commit, and excessive devotional talk (lots of caps.; “i do Your Will, O Great One.”)
b) too much knowledge about what’s to be done; requests for 24/7 schedules, for elaborate and time-consuming scenes according to announced needs and specifications.
-----
If you are a submissive person, esp. a woman, remind yourself that you’re not trying to be the universal doormat, to submit to everyone. Further, in your search for the right person, discussion and agreement should come before any ‘power exchange’ or whipping or sex. Protect privacy and name.
Your ‘submissive’ nature, should NOT mean that you lay open your body, life, and bank accounts to the first person, esp. online who says, “I’m your master, you will do as I say.” If it's not a predator, it could well be your neighbor’s horny 14-yr-old son practicing his newly obtained ”Superstud’s Guide to Ultimate Domination.”
If you are a dominant person, realize that concerns for others’ feelings may be played upon. A concern for safety may be exploited in suicide threats. Realize that you are not a therapist or shrink; you cannot cause the lame to walk, or heal many mental problems. Though you may hate abuse, know that you may not be able to heal its effects. Avoid these obvious pits of quicksand.
For persons of all tastes, dominant or submissive, your best defense, besides not meeting alone, is preserving some privacy of your information, such as your address, last name, and city AND if possible, getting past the other's secrecy, i.e., finding their real name; address, a phone directory listing; correct marital status; correct place of employment. Verify them. Share the data with a trusted friend, esp. if there’s a meeting.
You ask, “How can I get info and not give much?” It is usually not hard if you are a submissive, esp. a woman: He wants you, and it would take some effort to replace you. Another horny, self-styled ‘dom’ is not a problem for you to find. Play as if you have something of value—yourself—to offer.
If you are a male and are in a weaker negotiating position, at least make sure of equality. Swap; their true name for yours.
Supposing you are dominant-- if you’re eager to take charge, or if you are pleasantly surprised at the total devotion ‘Your abject slave’ offers, don’t let that cause you to give up privacy (homephone) to someone you barely know.
The internet, like bars or public parks, is a place to be enjoyed. It’s no good just focusing on dangers. There have been all kinds of good experiences in online meetings, and after, in ‘real life.’ Yet many face-to-face encounters, after meeting online, are disappointing—in-person is just different—but the number of genuine dangers is a minute fraction.
Look for the good people; exercize caution with unknowns. If you're new to the 'net or instant messaging, recognize that you're missing critical info, the usual signals available face to face. But use internet resources to safely research all kinds of lifestyles; most folks will tell you about their practices without your swearing eternal devotion to them. Enjoy the new areas of life opening to you; the difficult persons in all the above categories are in a small minority.
---
[This is an acknowledgement to the many discussants., esp. Zipman and Lark Sparrow, who've dialogued and contributed ideas; to all whose writings I've read about the internet and its affairs.]
---
ONLINE SAFETY or
How to enjoy the internet zoo, and feed the fine tigers without getting your hand bitten off.
copyright pure (c) 2003, you may reproduce this exactly as is, without specific permission, provided it is unaltered, and for non- commercial purposes, and its author is acknowledged.
It is important to know how to protect yourself online, especially if you are arranging meetings or sexual encounters, and more so if you are a woman. Yet, much ‘online danger’, for those with experience online, is not different from dangers of real-life meetings with strangers, esp. when they become intimate—‘the one-night stand’. The issue of practices of dominance and submission presents a few special problems, but mostly those of intimate encounters with strangers.
The internet offers many fine opportunities, and lifelong friendships and marriages have started there. Talk of its dangers should not scare you into avoiding it. It’s no worse than many bars and ‘hot singles spots’, as far as ‘dangerous persons’ are concerned, once you get some online experience and 'savvy.' Think of the first time you went to a bar.
These are three types to be careful of: fakes and con artists; the slightly unhinged and hangers-on; dangerous persons, including the psychopath or predator, sexual or otherwise.
Fakes
Fakes are plentiful in real life, but the ‘net offers greater possibilities of concealment, esp. if the person if far away. Such a person may have any number of bad intentions, from taking your money, to messing with your head, to running you around the countryside. The fake may be a 14-yr-old boy (called the Exalted Master!) or a pot-bellied middle-aged man presenting as a Mistress Blood.
In talking about how to recognize fakes, remember that almost everyone is vulnerable to the truly professional con artists. Banks, not known for trust, have been fooled by the clever ones. Men have married women professing love, but interested only in their money. You cannot prevent deception from happening except maybe by distrusting everyone.
It's worth saying that the people’s talk about themselves, on the internet, is often knee-deep bullshit. You can’t see the person or body language. That stunning photo doesn’t help—who’s the person in it?
As well, all those new to 'chat,' instant messaging, and even email know that the amount and speed of self-disclosure can be awesome, overwhelming. In a few days, emotions arise that might take weeks or months in real life. Unfortunately, with the deep sense of intimacy and feeling swept off your feet, you will often lack correct, honest information, but won’t know it. You’re in love with a fake.
It won’t do any good to say that fakes are liars, slimy, dishonorable people, etc., since that won’t be written on their foreheads. We can give some warning signs:
1) Vague talk or not telling of basic facts, such as city of residence.
2) Vague info (or none) about marital status. That should suggest they are married. We’re not preaching ‘Avoid married people,’—but at least pick ones who level with you.
3) Refusal to give out a usable phone number; attempts to get you to call only at certain pre-arranged times. Periods of ‘unavailability’ for vague reasons.
4) Contradictions and shifts in details about themselves (they forgot what age they told you).
5) Odd things about lifestyle, such as fancy car, but no money.
6) Claims of great expertise that aren’t backed up (the 14 yr old is just learning ‘domination’). They won’t prove their claims, but get angry about the question.
7) Instant commitments; for instance, soon after meeting “I will be your sub, forever.” Quick hook-up and submission suggests the possibility of the person’s having a number of ‘total’ commitments. Extreme alleged practices and flattery may well be false: “I have driven a nail through my nipple, O Great Master.”
8) Surprise requests—or subtle inducements-- for money or 'loans', on an emergency basis.
This person, if they’ve over-hyped themselves, or lied about their sex, will likely avoid or keep postponing meetings, but…
9) Should there be meetings, look out for the persons who do not introduce you to their friends or avoid meeting yours.
Keep in mind that a series of hidden meetings may not mean that you are the person's true love; rather, you may be a secret pastime.
The slightly unhinged, the teensy bit unstable, and
the hangers-on
These persons with unstable lives come in all sizes and shapes, and may well seem controlled and charming. Most are not dangerous, but bring misery or problems into the lives of those around them: for example, men with wrecked personal lives; women who come on as needing a rescuer. They may want your attention or your love or your continued help in their newest ‘jam’. Some slightly unglued persons just seem to enjoy manipulating others. Look and listen for
1) Rapid changes of mood. Temper flare ups.
2) Irresponsible behavior, such as not keeping to pre-arranged times.
3) Being drunk or ‘high’ quite often, esp. when under pressure or feeling down.
4) Extreme statements about others and former friends/lovers, such as, “They are crazy” “She was evil.” Statements that others are ‘spreading false rumors’ or plotting. (Assume the person is not a defecting Russian superspy.)
Past instability indicators: a string of broken marriages, many scrapes with the law, never having held a job for long, suicide attempts. It may be possible to check for criminal record.
A dom/me, esp. one new to the ‘net, may find him- or herself manipulated, but if he or she protects personal information, it’s unlikely to get so dangerous as the “Fatal Attraction” scenario. Before it comes to the skinned rabbit in the pot, look for escalating demands for attention or helpless talk, “I just don’t know what to do without your guidance.” Supposing a dom/me is not entirely ‘out’ with his or her family or has a straight job, consider that the slightly unhinged may attempt retaliation or harassment when one tries, too late, to cut them loose. Some unbalanced persons, apparent ‘subs’ with nasty agendas are discussed in the next section.
NOTE: Often your friends’ impressions are very valuable, since they don’t share your ‘high’, your crazy lust, and aren’t in love. “He” or "she" makes them uneasy.
Dangerous Persons (who appear normal); Predators; Exploiters
These are found, one in a thousand, everywhere, beside you on the bus, or next to you in church. They are not all serial killers, but most are men with a history of impulsive, anti-social (bad debts, deserted kids), or possibly illegal acts (like frauds), and not a shred of remorse. So even if ‘only’ simple rape or theft of your savings is on their mind, it’s bad for you.
Yet their detection is very difficult, esp. on the 'net. They show charm, and don’t seem to have evil purposes; in a picture or in person, they don't have ’goo-goo eyeballs’ or a shifty look. So you’re best to follow standard precautions, despite the beating heart or throbbing sex.
In your presence, they are likely to be ‘fakes,’ but rather clever ones. Online he will look just a little too smooth and perhaps 'full of himself' or bragging. His story is too impressive: He is a champion race-car driver; he owns a five companies or sails several world-class yachts. A woman may present as a minor celebrity or model. Ask yourself how many such persons cruise the chatrooms.
In BDSM domination, the dangerous person commonly presents himself as the World-Class Master, who often finds himself badmouthed by jealous smalltime wannabes.
Likewise, someone’s (pretended) submission, if you are a dom/me, offers possibilities for exploiting you by exhausting your resources or draining your finances (say, to help in a supposed emergency, or to travel and stay in fine accommodation). While there is no physical danger, you may get a shitload of hassles.
For a start, whether you are dominant or submissive, use General Net Safety Rules for all persons online.
1) Do not give out identifying info., such as your full name, your address or city.
2) Have a nickname or ‘handle’ for the internet—or several, i.e., “Luscious lips” for most, and then “Chris Johnson” (not your name) for ‘net people, you’re getting to know.
3) If you do give a phone number, make it a cell phone, NOT your homephone (which supplies your address).
Even a workphone number has dangers, since that indicates, often, the company and location of your job.
Especially if you are a woman, you already have General Rules about Meeting Strangers:
a) Do it in a public place.
b) Avoid the person’s house, apt or car.
c) Know their name and phone number prior to any meeting. Check it (use it).
d) Let a friend know of any 1-1 meeting and arrange a ‘safe call’. (Your friend is to hear from you by phone, during the date, and some unsuspicious simple words, like “I’m fabulous.” mean you are in trouble.)
e) Avoid giving or lending money or credit card, or info about your bank accounts.
f) Realize the sexual meaning of situations, such as accepting a 3 am ‘night cap’ in his apt after a date.
g) Resist demands for secrecy, ‘don’t tell anyone about us’ etc.
BEWARE of anyone dismissing or getting angry about your safety concerns.
NOTE: As above, make an effort for friends to meet that person; listen to their impressions.
Special cautions about trying submission, or bondage.
Online, ask questions:
A) Beware of the dom or domme who won’t be questioned, has a fit of temper about that, or who asserts authority way too early, before you’re acquainted or have actually agreed to something. “Down on your knees, bitch ‘ho,” in the first five minutes.
B) Beware the ‘Supreme Master' who will teach the select
one(s) personally and secretly. He asks you to study His Writings, but ignore books, organizations’ websites, and ideas of all others. He’s very intent on instructing you, making you HIS. Know that the best masters and mistresses have no shortage of offers and do not chase after followers.
If, ONLINE, you find the person appears genuine, and you decide to meet, realize that you DON’T KNOW how he or she will behave in-person. So...
It is best and safe NOT to get tied or immobilized with someone you don’t know well. This holds for same-sex pairs as well as 'straight.' Take things slowly. At the beginning sessions:
1) Avoid ropes and handcuffs and other restraints.
2) Avoid being hooded, or gagged; be wary of blindfolding.
3) Know that allowing yourself to be tied to a bed is possibly seen as ‘You may fuck me.’ And agreeing to that weakens a later rape claim (‘She wanted it rough,’ officer).
4) Arrange a ‘safeword’, but more importantly, avoid extreme situations where one is necessary—when you’re suspended from the chandelier, coated in honey, and flames are singeing your nipples.
Summary: submitting persons should use commonsense protection/safety methods, and involve friends. Real warnings—‘red flags’-- that something is possibly very wrong include
a) early, inappropriate attempts to dominate (in the first minutes online or in person); they just seem too eager to take charge of you.
b) dismissal of your safety concerns (‘trust me’ or ‘who are you to question me?’)
Similarly, a dominant person should beware of these ‘red flags’, besides the signs of being a bit unstable:
a) too early attempts to commit, and excessive devotional talk (lots of caps.; “i do Your Will, O Great One.”)
b) too much knowledge about what’s to be done; requests for 24/7 schedules, for elaborate and time-consuming scenes according to announced needs and specifications.
-----
If you are a submissive person, esp. a woman, remind yourself that you’re not trying to be the universal doormat, to submit to everyone. Further, in your search for the right person, discussion and agreement should come before any ‘power exchange’ or whipping or sex. Protect privacy and name.
Your ‘submissive’ nature, should NOT mean that you lay open your body, life, and bank accounts to the first person, esp. online who says, “I’m your master, you will do as I say.” If it's not a predator, it could well be your neighbor’s horny 14-yr-old son practicing his newly obtained ”Superstud’s Guide to Ultimate Domination.”
If you are a dominant person, realize that concerns for others’ feelings may be played upon. A concern for safety may be exploited in suicide threats. Realize that you are not a therapist or shrink; you cannot cause the lame to walk, or heal many mental problems. Though you may hate abuse, know that you may not be able to heal its effects. Avoid these obvious pits of quicksand.
For persons of all tastes, dominant or submissive, your best defense, besides not meeting alone, is preserving some privacy of your information, such as your address, last name, and city AND if possible, getting past the other's secrecy, i.e., finding their real name; address, a phone directory listing; correct marital status; correct place of employment. Verify them. Share the data with a trusted friend, esp. if there’s a meeting.
You ask, “How can I get info and not give much?” It is usually not hard if you are a submissive, esp. a woman: He wants you, and it would take some effort to replace you. Another horny, self-styled ‘dom’ is not a problem for you to find. Play as if you have something of value—yourself—to offer.
If you are a male and are in a weaker negotiating position, at least make sure of equality. Swap; their true name for yours.
Supposing you are dominant-- if you’re eager to take charge, or if you are pleasantly surprised at the total devotion ‘Your abject slave’ offers, don’t let that cause you to give up privacy (homephone) to someone you barely know.
The internet, like bars or public parks, is a place to be enjoyed. It’s no good just focusing on dangers. There have been all kinds of good experiences in online meetings, and after, in ‘real life.’ Yet many face-to-face encounters, after meeting online, are disappointing—in-person is just different—but the number of genuine dangers is a minute fraction.
Look for the good people; exercize caution with unknowns. If you're new to the 'net or instant messaging, recognize that you're missing critical info, the usual signals available face to face. But use internet resources to safely research all kinds of lifestyles; most folks will tell you about their practices without your swearing eternal devotion to them. Enjoy the new areas of life opening to you; the difficult persons in all the above categories are in a small minority.
---
[This is an acknowledgement to the many discussants., esp. Zipman and Lark Sparrow, who've dialogued and contributed ideas; to all whose writings I've read about the internet and its affairs.]
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