All Comments on 'Baby Blue Cardigan'

and direct language.

You captured the feelings very well.

Thank you

...this one was the most satisfying. As Tathagta said, simple and direct. There was one line that seems a little weak, (though absolutely apropos):

"loved until our hearts burst"

Is there anyway to say that with something a little stronger than the typical "hearts burst"? I ask, because I think your poem deserves it.

But I'd rethink "loved until our hearts burst." Though, it's not a bad line for this poem--could be better, though.

when I look to the north I see you...

of so many moments of my past. It only needs wheat fields . . . you captured a thousand dusty memories in one poem. Well done. :)

Okay ~ smack me upside the head for missing this;

not my style, true, but it evokes so powerfully

deep feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and loss.

~

The only thing I'd suggest, is to change the last two lines to one - but that's just me - just "feels" more powerful and to flow better - again, just to me.....

kissed until our lips bruised

loved until our hearts burst

when you were alive

and so was I

becomes

kissed until our lips bruised

loved until our hearts burst

when we were both still alive

or drop the "still?"

Thoughts of old dusty memories ~ of a love once so alive and new.

all thats left is memories. TK U MLJ LV NV

Five.