Alien Impulses

The very walls are alive with vibrations, as though the craft, and perhaps the whole universe, were one of the strings of a violin. Objects became blurred and a powerful bass roar began behind us. The engines were starting. My heart began to pound. Falik was beside herself with excitement. "Here we go!" she called as the spacecraft gently lifted off the pad, rotated 90 degrees in the air and then tilted back until we were vertical. I grasped the arms of my seat, which seemed to be designed for that very purpose, and braced myself.

It was like being kicked in the back by an elephant. No rollercoaster in the world came close. With vicious acceleration, we rocketed skywards so quickly that I felt I'd left my stomach on the landing platform. Through the windows, Takanli receded with alarming swiftness, its massive plan revealed to me for the first time, but there were scant seconds to take in the incredible view. The sky swiftly darkened, and within a minute of liftoff, I could see stars. The outrageous rumbling from the engines ceased. All was silent.

Blue strands of thought emerged from the cockpit once more. 'We have achieved orbit. Lunch will now be served.'

The planet was beneath me, a solid carpet of greens, greys, blues and white. Virtually every square inch of the surface was organised, shaped, crafted, designed. I could discern two great cities, centred on massive concentric rings with spokes which extended thousands of miles. "That's Takanli", explained Velis, pointing to the largest of the ringed cities. "The institute is in the east of the centre, that large white complex." Jesus. A set of buildings so vast they were visible from space. "And that city is our neighbour, Galdram. A very beautiful city, and similar to our own in most respects, but their laws prohibit alien species from visiting. It is something of a national park for those of our species who wish to live without visitors. I have been there only once, to a conference on genetic mutation. It was most stimulating."

I privately wondered whether Velis had ever had fun in her life, but then remembered her sexy snog with Falik in the surgery. A dark horse, that one, I reasoned.

Lunch emerged from the walls on trays made from a glimmering metal which reflected everything, even thoughts. There were piles of vegetables, a whole fish that was over a foot long and had three eyes (Carpash exclaimed with glee and ate one immediately) and a host of smaller dishes including something which resembled calamari but tasted like a vehement, raw chilli. I gasped and poured myself three glasses of water, downing each in a gulp, before I noticed the others staring at me. Falik cautioned, "you might want to go easy on that." Carpash and Velis were grinning with a little dramatic irony. Shit.

"What's in it?" I asked warily, watching for any sign of ill effects.

Carpash stopped chuckling long enough to explain. "It is a humorous drink. You will find glee in virtually everything. We normally take a shot each after lunch on Cruiser trips, just to pass re-entry with a little more laughter. With such limited hormonal systems and rather under-developed senses of humour, we find a little artificial stimulus useful from time to time."

Laughing gas, in liquid form. I sat back, filled up on the tasty vegetables, most of which looked like derivatives of the squash family, and observed the rotation of the planet as we circles at orbital velocity. Past the planet's terminator, I could see other ships in the distance, blinking with lights. "Who are they?" I asked.

Velis gestured towards the nearest ship with a stick of calamari, which I noticed she was chewing in very small pieces. Wise move. "They are traders or visitors approaching Takanli station. You were received in the same place, although you'll have no recollection as you had yet to awake from the Cosmic Sleep. By the time you woke, you were already in the hotel. We found this more convenient and it avoided a lot of very urgent questions which would have been harder to answer when the visitor is agitated. Do you agree?"

I did, and couldn't help finding the whole thing rather funny. One minute I'm on a mountain top in Snowdonia, the next I'm being whisked across hundreds of light years on a flying bed. And the void! What a good craic that was! Hovering of a billion light years of nothingness. It was enough to make me chuckle, then laugh out loud, then simply convulse in my seat, and on the floor, and in a foetal, shuddering heap of giggling humanity.

I had just about got my breath back when Falik motioned out of the window at a large and imposing vessel. This, I knew at once, was a military ship. "They protect the space around our system, and this vessel has just completed a three-year tour among the more remote planets."

It bristled with threat. So black it was almost invisible, the ship thrummed along towards the Takanli station, her crew about to see home after so long in space. "How many planets belong to the system? We have nine, don't we?"

Carpash handled that one. "Actually, your star, which we call Sol 88932, has twelve orbiting planets of more than 3000km diameter. Two of them remain undiscovered, as far as we know. There are also thousands of smaller asteroids, of which your astronomers have quite a complete catalogue, but we are surprised your species has not done more to protect your planet in such a potentially hostile environment." I stared at him. Asteroid strikes were incredibly infrequent, right?

Carpash checked his lectern. "Not so. Your world, which we merely name Sol 88932 Planet C, is being constantly bombarded by rocks and fragments of various sizes. Only as recently as the beginning of your last century, an event large enough to kill millions took place, but thankfully it only destroyed a massive swathe of forest in the arctic circle. That these strikes are not daily occurrences should not mean that your species descends into arrogance, particularly when your knowledge of deep space is so minimal. Having walked on your own moon is, forgive me, hardly the most impressive of achievements when compared to those of a fully-fledged space-faring civilisation, of which there are many thousands."

Feeling rather humbled, I watched the battleship dock and chewed with a lot more circumspection on the spicy calamari stick. It was rather pleasant in smaller quantities. Perhaps the Earthlings hadn't advanced as far as these people, but at least I don't need a stiff, alien drink to be able to laugh a bit. Still, they had achieved so much that I felt like a minnow among whales, struggling to grow and develop.

Thoughts emerged from up front once more. 'Descent will begin shortly. We hope you enjoyed lunch. Please strap in and prepare for re-entry'. The cabin lights darkened and a black, oily film spread quickly over the observations windows. "The cabin will be kept dark for the re-entry so that you can perceive the orange glow outside the spacecraft", the pilot thought back to us. The ride became quickly bumpier.

Carpash became excited once more. "I have prepared for this", he began excitedly. "There is an appropriate piece of musical entertainment from your planet, and I simply couldn't resist." He pushed a button his wristpad and a familiar opening motif filled the cabin.

'You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain. Too much love drives a man insane. You broke my will, Oh, what a thrill. Goodness gracious, Great Balls of Fire'

As the spacecraft was plunging headlong through the thick atmosphere and the temperatures were building to an intensity that would melt any metal, I was laughing myself daft.

***

Having docked smoothly at the Institute, we walked back across the huge landing platform on slightly wobbly legs. "What a ride!" I remembered the expression from an Apollo mission, and it summed up the experience beautifully. Back inside, Samuel L Jackson was catching forty winks, laid out in his leather chair with his feet on the reception desk, snoring like a trooper.

"We have rather a busy schedule today, and there will be no such rest for us", Falik explained as she escorted me past the surgery rooms and the Optics Centre to the last, blue-screened room under the dome. "I think you will find this extremely interesting".

The door swished open to reveal a rather austere office, not unlike a professor's study at home. Rather than books, thousands of small metal containers ringed the room, which was almost exactly circular. In the centre was a black, leather chair straight out of Mastermind, next to which was waiting a four-foot tall humanoid with a huge black beard. "Ah!" he exclaimed in a squeaky voice. "I have been expecting you", he continued, with educated, clipped pronunciation, like a cross between a kindly cleric and a backroom boffin. "Have a seat. You're going to love this."

The door swished closed, sealing Falik, the boffin and I in the circular room. She took a position near the door and observed as the boffin sat me down and took quick measurements of the size and shape of my head with a metal rod which proved rather flexible.

"Hmmmm. Right. Yes, I think I have the right one for you. This won't take a moment." He disappeared off to my left, rummaged around among the metal boxes with a few clanks and mutters, and returned carrying a single, metal container about the size of a lever-arch file. "Yes, I believe this will do nicely. Now, has anyone explained the slightest thing about this procedure?"

I shook my head. "I thought not. Rather a leap for you, this one is. You see, we've found the traditional methods of education... well, they just take too damned long. We are no longer prepared for our scientists or educators to spend years in training before they're even up to snuff on the basics. So, we developed this little beauty". He opened the box and held aloft a circular headband, not unlike a metallic tiara, made from gleaming metal about an inch wide. Placing it on my head, he slid it down until it fit snugly onto my forehead and clipped it into place above my ears.

"Now. This is called a Cerebral Implant. It is a terrifically fast learning method. Anything you want to know, I've got it. We'll start with a bit of science, and see how we go. Its devilishly clever, you see, and will seek out the information you currently hold, replace and update it, and then add anything we need to add. You'll see what I mean in a moment. A few questions, first."

Falik looked on, not without a glint of amusement in her eye. The Boffin returned with a white card and began to read. "Please answer these questions as quickly as you can. Ready?" I nodded, bemused. "Right. Tell me the most prodigiously available element in the universe."

"Hydrogen", I answered quickly.

"Fine. Tell me the constituent gases of your planet's atmosphere."

I thought for a second. "Nitrogen, Oxygen, Carbon Dioxide and all the trace gasses - argon, neon, xenon, krypton and radon." My high school chemistry was finally paying off.

"Lovely. Now, explain how the carbon cycle works."

I did my best. Then the Haber process. Then the Nitrogen cycle. I was getting a bit stumped. "Its been quite a while since I worked with this stuff."

The boffin waved a hand. "Don't worry about that. I'm actually more interested in proving what you don't know. Your knowledge at the moment is pretty minimal". I glanced up at him with a frown.

"I got A's at GCSE, I did!"

The Boffin snorted. "And I can find my arse with both hands, but that doesn't make me a scientist! Now, explain the theory of evolution by natural selection". I gave it my best shot. "Good, or good enough for now. Tell me what you know about orbital mechanics."

I knew bugger all. I knew that craft had to achieve a certain velocity to achieve orbit, because my backside was still smarting with the elephant kick of acceleration from the Cruiser. But beyond that, I had little to offer. "Oh dear. What about Kepler's laws?" Not a lot there either. "General relativity?" I had a stab.

"Yeah, that's when you're observing an object, which is moving, and then the object which as actually moving in a straight line, right, that appears to the observer to move in a curve, and then it... because its moving in... shit."

The Boffin snorted once more. "Pathetic, but don't worry. Try this."

He pressed a button on his console and I felt immediately very spaced out, like the morning after a massive session down the pub. "Jesus..."

The Boffin clicked the button once more. "Actually, its Clyde. But thanks for the compliment. Now, tell me the properties of the metal Frejudium."

My eyeballs clicked. "Frejudium is a rare trace metal found on seven planets of the thirteen in this system. It is extracted by the Baffic process, which has as its bi-products water, hydrogen and alcohol, and is therefore a rather profitable exercise in the outer regions. Frejudium is used as a catalyst in the production of Telluric ions, which in turn are used for the lightspeed drives on vessels such as the Cruiser. Its chemical properties are well understood and it is distinguished by gaining photon particles in reaction with water, which produced the Trans-Frejudic table of elements, which are seventy-seven in number, although only two are stable at RTP..." I continued for four minutes. And then stopped with a bump.

"How in the name of holy fuck did I know all of that?" I stared at the Boffin, then Falik, then back to the dwarven man who was smiling patiently. "I'd never even heard of the stuff! And now I know I reckon I could write a small book on its properties."

The Boffin continued to smile, like a tutor waiting for his student to catch up with the totally bloody obvious. "Yes, yes. Well done. Big pat on the back. Fancy a spot more?" I nodded vigorously.

He gave me a degree course on celestial mechanics. It took two minutes of space-out mind-bending, and then I was ready. Falik wheeled over a lectern and presented what looked at first glance like a bastard of a problem. "Vessel A is travelling at 11% of lightspeed in this direction", she indicated. "Vessel B has engine trouble and is only going at 6% of lightspeed, but left Takanli seven years before Vessel A. Allowing for gravitational slingshots around these three planets, with this one twice", she gestured, "calculate how long it will take for Vessel A to overtake Vessel B, and calculate also the difference in their speeds assuming no collisions if they continue in this way for three more years."

It took nine seconds. "Vessel A will overtake Vessel B in seven months, five days. Or, two months and thirteen hours, if we use the Jakalzzi calendar. The different in speed will remain at 5% lightspeed until the second gravitational slingshot around this planet", I motioned to the lectern, "because the path taken by Vessel A affords an extra 280m/s of Delta-V."

I sat back and tapped the lectern to clear the screen. "That was fun. And how did I know to tap the lectern?"

The Boffin was fumbling about in the back and called over, "because basic Lectern Management is included in virtually every BA course." He returned with another box. "Well done. Now, try this." More mind-bending followed as a BA course in social history was poured into my gleeful brain.

Falik motioned me to the lectern. My head felt heavy. "Try to answer this question: What is the purpose of the Jakalzzi matrimonial custom of Hephage, and how can its continued use be defended in modern practice?"

I entered into a twelve-minute, non-stop monologue on marriage customs among this remote tribe on the twelfth planet, their social history and the inter-regional ramifications of Jakalzzian tribal elders being permitted to intermarry with the colossal-breasted Megaslut Raptors of the eleventh planet, which had led to vicious rivalries, a number of large-scale conflicts and, several years ago, the outright destruction of the largest moon of the tenth planet, which was being used as a polygamous refuge by an escaped, insane former elder of the tribe. I accepted that many of the elders had married the Raptors on the grounds that they can produce a state of continuous orgasm in virtually any species by using a third ocular device located between their breasts, which projected a stream of sexually positive charged particles, elevating the elder to a state of perpetual ecstasy.

I then defended the practice on the grounds that the Megaslut Raptors, being possessed of astute, genetically-inherited political skills and negotiating prowess, had been found to be gifted mediators in times of dispute, and their ability to avoid conflicts in the outer rims had led to increased economic stability and prosperity in this otherwise difficult region. Without marriage to the elders, they would lack the platform from which to take part in such mediations and millions would have perished as yet more moons were blasted from orbit by the Frejudium Cannon.

"Sometimes I amaze even myself. What's next?"

Next, at my request, was a full diploma course on the brewing of local alcoholic drinks and the electronic version of "Where to Go Out in Takanli".

"Great", I giggled. "More?"

"Well, we need to be careful", the Boffin tutted. "Too much of a good thing, you know." Falik was nodding.

"OK, but are we going to have further sessions? These methods... well, I remember what a ball-ache school was, and this is just amazing", I offered, gesturing around the room at the little metal objects.

"For sure, for sure", agreed the Boffin. "But instead of paying you a salary, we're going to give you the skills". Falik smiled at my obvious confusion. "In the long run, it is far better for you to gain the skills which will provide the learning, rather than just be given the learning. Sessions like this are a good shortcut, but in some ways too much of one. Besides, I have no data as to what effects protracted sessions would have on your simple cerebral cortex".

I bristled slightly, but this was all part of his manner. The bloke was a genius. It made sense to do what he said. "Try this instead. We all find it the best solution". He slipped another metal tiara on my head, which clicked into place. The same, slightly drunken feeling returned, and remained for a few minutes. I could feel something going on in my head, but had no idea what.

Abruptly, the feeling ceased and the tiara was removed. "You are now a powerful learning machine. Your abilities in the processing and recalling of information would cause you to possess an Intelligence Quotient, I believe it is called on your planet, of over 2000, although that whole system is ridiculous if you ask me..." he continued, muttering to himself, while stacking away the metal objects we had used. Falik nodded for me to make my way out. I made some show of thanks, but the Boffin was deep into his next task and merely waved.

***

Falik led me from the room, having to almost drag me away from the Boffin, who accepted my profuse thanks with well-practised ease. Outside, I revelled in the amazing new knowledge I possessed.

"Tetra-Carbon filament sheet", I offered, gesturing at the ceiling. "Allows in sufficient of certain types of radiation but filters out harmful rays." Falik nodded with a smile and suspected this would be the pattern for today. "A dense network of nano-molecular filters saturated with Delta-radiation coating..." I trailed off as Falik gave me a look.

"I know!" she grinned, and hugged me. "It will take some time to adjust to all the wonderful things you now know, and can do. To soften the blow, let me take you out to lunch."

We existed the facility on the opposite side to our landing platform and were on a similar platform which overlooked much of the city. "There's a fantastic Betanurian place a half block away. The best in the city. Fancy it?"