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The only thing that saves line 1 with, I think, some clunky diction(too many harsh consonants) is line14, Sweet O.

"blend with leaf mould and ferns" sounds cluncky to me despite your signature iambic pentameter. Perhaps it's because "blend" is a stronger word than "with," a preposition where the emphasis is.

are you fucking your mom?

or is that just an expletive or expression of relief?
(not necessarily you but the person in your poem)

nicely done

The quiet one
was shouting praise
hadn’t been fuck
that well, in days

small typo, "fuck" should be "fucked" or no?


and far cheaper than psychoanalysis and perhaps more useful to the dear soul who has a need to describe the origins of her mania and her accurate recital of the historical basis for her psychodrama. If Sigmund Freud were around today he might well have a "Mommy Toni" theory to bare out his observation that "Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise." Tony's clever weaving of her blood soaked crotch with the need to be had from behind and her obsessive case of "boy love" would make her a prime candidate. Her "pit of fire" attracts and yet repells her young lovers/victims who always leave her after sampling her wares or being felated, "I'm so used to them leaving me now. It doesn't really hurt anymore." In some medical circles, a clitoridectomy might be a solution but more likely a hormonal imbalance is the cause of this poor lady's malaise. Blessed are those who know not what harm they produce on their victims both young and mature?


no matter what form are very difficult to shake, even the ones most beneficial for us, TK U MLJ LV NV


This brings back memories from a few years ago, she would whisper things like this in my ear a lot and I would get really hard... I loved her so much. Now I really miss her, seeing this poem. It makes me happy to be reminded of our beautiful relationship together...


This. This describes it perfectly.

Thank you so much for the feedback!

It encourages me to keep writing!

Starts out fine,

rather Dylanesque, but get worse as it goes along, sorry 'bout that.

drop unneeded words and added needed

Ex/ "We roll the dice (IN) this game of chance
fire, desire, and circumstance
If you were to call it a big romance,"

You rhyme well---
in within skin begin win

then fall apart--- raw hunger sheets lover.

No absence of cliches, too much "lightning", and it runs too long

but it is a heartfelt emotion expression. Outside is one word, "White lightning" is home brewed hooch (alcohol)--try not to repeat the same word unless needed to express a point; keep at it and you too will be a great poet.

Great Work!

Only thing better would be seeing it in person ;)


and across the tracks, TK U MLJ LV NV

Thanks for enforcing the rape fantasy,

that we girls just love to be raped by a finger in the pie, hope you enjoy yours dearie, I didn't enjoy mine!

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