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turn into dog days as the summer fades. TK U MLJ LV NV

Love this piece 5ed

Todski's trivial thoughts 

It was our summer
beach days
baseball games
that damned cap 
took years off your face
Did I look twice your age?
It was only one little decade

simple opening line, with an immediate break which forces the reader to move along, there isn't time to get bored or flit off, the declamation of "it was our" sets the tone as an interior monologue, which is a useful start as it gives context and personalisation to the write. 

followed by two simple things

beach days
baseball games, 

they are so much a part of summer that the reader is immediately in to the summer theme
, with as little effort as that, the near rhyme of days and games, gives it very nice sounding sonic play that drives the pace of the read. 

that damned cap, 

is such a human thought, lends personality to the narrator and an empathetic reaction that you drive home with the final lines of the stanza you also bring in the emotional content of human thought and expression by having self doubt 

"did I look twice your age"

-------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- --------------------

Smooth satin sheets
(bought for me?)
perfumed with sunscreen
didn't stand a chance
against the sand
or the gingersnaps
you'd reach for after

smooth satin sheets, this is a silky phrase that turns the piece immediately semi erotic, with it's alliteration and sizzling sibilance, bought for me in () is interesting it flits the piece between reporting and interior monologue, your sound play is devine, 

me, sunscreen,
stand, sand, 
chance, gingersnaps

------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- --------------------------

It's a little hazy
like the sun
that filled those days
down the road
speakers blaring
"She's the One"
my hand on your thigh
you sang along

the first line of the final stanza, adds a melancholy twist and sets the above as a fond memory, reinforcing the first line, 

"it was our summer" 
the use of hazy hammers home the heat of summer and keeps your theme perfectly, it is well timed, 


keeps your reader interested and highlights everything before it eliciting an empathetic response and allows room for your reader to personally interpret the glory, no spelling it out you force us want to connect.

also sounds here are very well done, 

thundering, blaring

and the final three lines

the one


sang along

sound so good together and leave the poem echoing after its read

This reads almost like a song sounds. Nice.

If I'm not mistaken, this is an edited version of the "Anything But Spring" challenge. I like that you deleted that here. I also liked the coyness implied in the lines with the question marks. Smart writing.


other call it brain-washing. TK U MLJ LV NV


to see the life forever. TK U MLJ LV NV

Its not a poem, its a thesis.

I see your point (something rare at LIT) but your work isn't half done. Its not a poem, its a thesis.


Absolutely gorgeous, melancholy. I get lost in the lines and the subtlety of it. One of my favorites in the contest.

Simply Beautiful

What a warm, loving, inviting, and sensual poem. Lucky cat. Lucky muse. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece of art and for sharing your heart. It's simply beautiful.


Thanks for favouriting, Ashesh9!


happens at the most opportune time sans Oprah. TK U MLJ LV NV

Very nice, Ian, simple and at the same time imaginative, a nice combination not often achieved.

My only quibble is with your use of verb tense. Everything up to and including "I could be your weather" was conditional, ie, "if that, then this." Beginning with "Running fingers..." I might have used the present tense, ending it with

Until sunshine breaks through
All quiet and still

And you and the cat both purr.

A quibble perhaps or maybe an opportunity missed of an image so clear that it's actually happening if only in your mind, absent your lover.

Nevertheless, I read this and recited it several times, enjoying it more each time.

A puzzle inside an enigma inside a mystery

All the cries and screams are you! 2 starz


It reads like what Eisenhower sent to Montgomery in Africa. The smelly prize must be the Germans at Tobruk. 2 starz.


there is no cure and very little hope. TK U MLJ LV NV

Inadequate thoughts, indeed.

I scored it 2 stars because 1 stars are swept away.

Poems aren't cryptograms tho most 'poems' toe the line tween sense and insensibility, as this one does. Its not schizophrenic word salad, but close.

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