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Better plotting

I know he's a teenager with sex on his mind but couldn't he at least wish for her to be up on current events and norms for the times? Couldn't he have wished her to think like women of this century?
This story could have started out so much better with a little more planning. There is so much he could do with his genie.
I hope you really think about where this work of yours is going. Please change this repetitive plot line and write the story I know you can.

I second your sentiments, verbicide. I cringe at what these ladies are going though, even though I'm a male. The G'Orann could easily be harvesting semen from men doing the same tactics though, so no one seems to be safe. This is an interesting story though. :)


I'm glad the story is getting more intriguing. mindless endless sex gets very boring.

TOO funny!

I would have thought that locksmiths would have been making a fortune! But the reality is that the cages were a joke. Anyone could remove them, easily. Max laughed all the way to the bank. He started skimming money and putting it in foreign accounts. He had a copy of the key made, never wore the cage unless his wife was around, which wasn't often since she was so very busy making movies and always on location and whenever he wanted to fuck another woman, he did. And the women flocked to him. It was a big thrill to fuck the movie stars husband. Max smiled a lot. This has to be one of the silliest stories - EVER!


Please do a sequel I want more of this world


So far looks interesting. It seems all three of sisters have affection to some degree and in different ways.
We finally see Henri's "fire power" in action. It sure got attention from sisters. The shown fear was nicely shown maybe a bit to fast disperse but still good. I thought that with their "betrayal" things would still be more tense between them but its still fine. The only part that kinda was unexpected to some extend was with Shynta... is it me or Shynta is a bit on the... "M" side in this chapter. I mean she got all aroused on thought of him trying to kill her and all what he would be capable of doing it to her. Not to mention that it seems she is thinking to try to get his Child also. Grated it would be one seriously crazy.... and interesting twist if Shynta and Henri would "switch roles" at some point in the story. Personalty I don't think i would have any complains about it, she could use a bit of "her own medicine".
Dirzune and the parts about her and her involvement in this chapter was good. I liked all her discussions and her way of approaching things, hope to see more of this character development in the future and get more of back story's of her and other three main female protagonist(sisters).
The part with Gods in here was ok. Still not much is known but for introduction to them it was ok. I didn't enjoyed that much in that part but we did get some background info about Henri's personality and life before all this started but I still more preferred the part with the main characters and them planning to escape(personal opinion only).
in amusing part right now is how will all new development go on with the dreamscape and all it's remain to be seen. If stayed I think Henri's status would chance a lot and go pretty high on importance scale.

Best wishes and Good writing from ZeoUnit

welcome back

Welcome back after a long time away. Nice to have the story continue.

Out of Sequence

I'm sorry about this going up before Chapter 4. What happened is that I submitted 4 before 5, but I went back to edit some grammar on 4. I forget to re-submit 4 properly, so 5 ended up ahead of it in the mkderatiln queue. I'm hoping 4 will be approved today to go up tomorrow. Sorry again.

Nice Development

Honestly I like where this is going. I wonder will even the third one somehow still get "under his thumb". Like i said before I don't know why but I think it would be funny to see then scheming and plotting to kill one another or set one another up for something while try to get his affection or something on those lines while keep messing up the all of the gods and goddesses plans. I can just picture Death, Creator and Lloth annoyed as hell because he/they do stuff that he/they thinks are honorable or are in line of Samurai's honor. ( they can develop some of that i guess) :D

On the subject of him get killed at this point, ok fine... but... how... who... in core base of things can they even scratch him. If look logically from their point of view I think the most logical view (maybe not totally correct but still) would have Belar. She seen what he can do and understand that things are not as they suppose to be. She understands that there might problem if things go the way they are going. If take in consideration what was shown he can do, it pulls the question why is he allowing them to continue to treat him as they did. He could (base on what she seen) easily break the jail and escape, never mind that he could kill then with no effort apparently but he didn't do that. If fallow that path of logic she see in front of her, it begs the question why he didn't.. Her way of thinking and conclusion is on the mark giving more openings for her to try to make new plans base on information she assume that might be correct.
What I like about her in this chapter is that she shown that she can see possible advantages that he can bring to her people and thinks of possible repercussions if this is some kind of gods test and that they might have failed on it, most likely from the very start. Just a possibility in her mind but she still consider as one of possible out comes. The Child was pure gold just want to see how will that affect things.

Shynta in this chapter is ok. I like that she in a way wants best for her people(to some extend) after that demonstration and I can get why she thinks he would be a treat, but her reaction was a bit lacking I think. The very display of that power that she didn't know about should make a bit more "bells ringing" in her head with her recalling her actions in the past and make her consider her actions more carefully. If you see a person that could do all that it would be logical to think few chains would not stop him. True his used magic and all but he did mention that in his demonstration he will teach Zilvra how to use chi and show her a example of it. Not sure would they understand what chi is so it would be reasonable to assume that he might had that from the start. For someone that say to plan stuff she get pretty rush decisions unlike Belar. Aslo the plan to wait to see if he dies in pits... not sure if that would be wise if want to eliminate. the guy just show that he can blow past practically anything that was put in him and has shown something that most didn't seen so far. I think you would try to be more tactical on that part first before try to use brute force.
Before anyone say she is confident with what she done so far to him, true it would make her confident since she done that, then again mind is very interesting thing. With all that display I think a bit of reality check would his anyone and make her wary of him even if chained.

Zilvra Reaction was reasonable considering that her life kinda connected with Henri. We still don't know to what extend but it could be that its in very big way if earlier chapters are anything to base it upon. She is in my opinion done pretty good. I can understand her freaking out about what she found out and reacted in that why. Really looking forward to see how will she develop in the future and will she starts to take in his teaching seriously from now on.
hopefully other sisters will develop more in the future also.

Anyway Best wishes and Good writing from ZeoUnit



good one

Well I must say I really like the story so far and I must be honest to some extend I think I would love to see all three of sisters be mark by him. I don't know why I just do.
It will be interesting to see how situations will change if base on some indication from previous chapters.
The fight was nicely done and I like how you used it for Henri to start to teach Zilvra about some basic ideals and concept of honor. It also give strong message that if not those ideals and his honor he could kill them easily.

Ether way best wishes and good writing from ZeoUnit


Ummm shouldn't this be chapter 4? Did I miss one?

Where's Chapter 4???

What happened to Chapter 4? Did you forget and labeled Chapter 4 as Chapter 5 or did you post Chapter 5 out of sequence? Like the story so far but missing a chapter tends to make the story a harder to follow.

another great chapter

MIKE: AND then another decent into the Underdark. Yay! My favorite, as always.

As for Galen...I wonder if she may have a future ahead of her, just not with her current body. Acting as a conduit once again, if you will.

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