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Starts out fine,

rather Dylanesque, but get worse as it goes along, sorry 'bout that.

drop unneeded words and added needed

Ex/ "We roll the dice (IN) this game of chance
fire, desire, and circumstance
If you were to call it a big romance,"

You rhyme well---
in within skin begin win

then fall apart--- raw hunger sheets lover.

No absence of cliches, too much "lightning", and it runs too long

but it is a heartfelt emotion expression. Outside is one word, "White lightning" is home brewed hooch (alcohol)--try not to repeat the same word unless needed to express a point; keep at it and you too will be a great poet.

Great Work!

Only thing better would be seeing it in person ;)

Thanks for enforcing the rape fantasy,

that we girls just love to be raped by a finger in the pie, hope you enjoy yours dearie, I didn't enjoy mine!

You write with an easygoing, playful style. Nice work.


For you OG4U, anything:)

Like he said.

I fully agree with GreenMountaineer's comment.

Hm. Such a cruel world is it not? I have enjoyed your works and thoughts left here. I am not surprised to find such harsh comments, though disappointed perhaps that a group of writers cannot leave well rounded critiques instead of laughable nothings. I do hope you will continue to share. Some of your work reminds me a tinge of Bukowski (and others whose styles matched his) , that hard blunt line, yet something more under the surface, more that caught you and held you. Some of your poems do get a bit wordy, though this is wordy too. Cheers.. and to more, no matter what anyone thinks eh?


whatever it takes to become aquainted, TK U MLJ LV NV

I think "shell" might have been more evocative if, as metaphor, it was given more emphasis. For example, you can hear vastness and rhythm if you listen. Some would say ocean because most shells are found there. I thought about "conch," but it's too big to be associated with the woman's ear.

Also when you speak or gently blow into it, it can reverberate, ie, respond which what the woman will do if first her lover talks to her.

Maybe that's all a stretch. If so, I then would agree with the comment by Anonymous and think it would be better to remove it.


for those with braile training, TK U MLJ LV NV

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