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Latest 15 Reader Comments

I enjoyed this very much. Very evocative...

Very sexy. You wove a sweet tale of a sexual encounter in your poem. Sweet yet very sexual and erotic.

Kisses

Kisses are often overlooked. We think of intimacy as the sex act itself. But kisses is such a very intimate thing, lips touching, tongues touching. Kissing is itself a very intimate act of lovemaking.

This was brilliant!

fantastic

I love ur poem please write more u have a natural talent :)

Yes...yes!

Enough said, I think. You brought me there, with you.

I don't know if "sliide" was intentional but it drew the action out, almost painfully real.
"Forgive me if I think God is between your thighs" is perfect.

The only jarring note: "cries beat my ears" - 'beat' just sticks out, calls the wrong attention to itself. But I can't think of what to suggest instead...

Thanks for the pm, Sarabeth. I usually don't comment a lot with new poets on Literotica because I'm not sure how open they are to feedback. So my comment "I like this" didn't say much. Here's why I liked it:

I should have written I didn't care for "Naught" or "offtimes" in the poem. They felt contrived. However, there were two other examples of arguably antiquated words I actually did like. "Unto," as opposed to "to," the more common word choice, works well in the title because it establishes a nice rhythm, which fits with the river, the central image of the poem.

"Lay" took me by surprise. It confused me at first, but I looked up the less familiar definition and concluded it was the perfect choice. I'm not suggesting "lay" is an antiquated word, only one not often used the way you presented it. I'm one of those readers who believes it's OK for me to work a little bit. Doing so often results in an "aha" which makes reading poetry enjoyable. The "lay" of the river did that for me.

"Coldscape" is a great example of word play. As near as I could tell, there is no such word, and the way you presented it makes the meaning so clear. Furthermore, you follow it with darkness and soon thereafter with desert, which we know as hot during the day but can be cold at night. All of these images adding up in relatively few lines is a fine example of skillful writing.

The repetition of "like a river unto you" with its sonic quality I've already mentioned, had a nice dramatic effect at the conclusion of the poem.

I'm guessing you're new to at least the poetry side of Literotica. If you haven't already done so, I hope you'll visit the "Poetry Feedback & Discussion" board. There are poets there who trade some really good ideas from time to time. If not, I hope you'll submit more of your poetry in the future.

Haha!

That takes care of about 90% of the users here.

Enjoyed it

It conveyed the yearning of a frustrated lover, wanting and not quite being fulfilled. I enjoyed much of the language, though some lines and stanzas worked better for me than others, for example:

Thoughts are playful cherry blossoms
Wafted away on nighttime breezes.

and

I'm left nothing of the day's leavings.
...
Naught but shadows answer my breadcrumb needs
This empty April night.

(thank you, todski, for pointing it out in PFD)

I think

Your ending verse should finish
On mirrors of their own needs and leave the rest for your reader.

All in all entertaining and some very nice phrasing

Very nice. I liked it too, but the antiquated language didn't work for me.

WHAT

*Gags and chokes* It was terrible....

Actually, it was great.

Erotic in a classical sense. An allegory of an orgasm, a lament to wished-for wetness. I rather liked it. Even the archaic language, which I don't always care for in modern poetry, works in this as a kind of throwback to a previous era, where passions were only hinted at, and women walked into their houses and burned.

This was a great write

 Some nice phrases and very feminine in the way you approach want and desire, a mass of passion under the surface

breadcrumb needs
Is such a fantastic phrase
and delivers a perfect image of desire being laid out for someone to follow back to its source.

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