A collection of old poems

Authors note: This is just a bundle of old poems I wrote between the ages of 15 and 18. I found them today and thought I'd upload them. Yes they're overdramatic, yes they're technically lacking and sometimes incoherent, but they represent a period in my life that made me what I am today.

Chapter 1 – This is life

Loneliness
A bleak landscape stretches before my eyes
Empty of all but darkness
Drained of light
Never to be
Full of happiness
Never to know
The light of love
Just rejection, pain
Hurts more, grows numb
Till nothing matters
Dead, the living dead
To feel nothing
To hurt so much that feels nothing at all
To feel so much that grow numb
To welcome the nothingness of sleep
So that pain will stop
To remember that which wishes forget
To live, but live a lie
To live for other people
To cry till drained of tears
And to die alone
Surrounded by people
None care
This is life

Chapter 2 – To my brother

When do you wake?
From the world you live inside
When do you sleep?
If the light causes you to hide
Nights inside your head
Do you have the power to leave this life behind?
Days out of your head
Does it really give you what you need to find?

Where do you run?
From this thing inside of you
Where do you hide?
If it's deep inside of you
And do you know
Than only when you look for light
Will it find you
And only in the darkest night
Can it blind you
To yourself

Nights inside your head
Hiding from the things you want to flee
Days out of your head
Don't you know you'll never leave?

Chapter 3 – On death

I still don't believe you're gone
I'm thinking it's all just a dream gone wrong
And I'll wake up tomorrow
And call you tomorrow
And you'll be fine
Won't you?

And if I sit here and cry
Tonight
Tomorrow you'll be here again
And I'll hear your voice again
Won't I?

I'll never see your face again
And when I wake tomorrow you'll still be dead
And I miss you so much I can't sleep
I can't think
And all I feel is emptiness

Chapter 4 – A letter to Noor

Did you really think it was that bad
That no one would help you
Did you not think that I would understand?
Could you not talk for fear of sounding weak
You who had always been so strong
You were my lifeline
My escape from the insanity
You were the one who was always there
The one who could make this make sense
And yet you cannot help me no
I would have followed you anywhere
And now you have gone where I cannot follow
And you just didn't know
I would have done anything for you
If you had asked it of me
But you didn't ask
You were always the one who could see the right way for me
And yet
When it came to yourself
You blinded your eyes to your weakness
Until it all came crashing down around your head
And now you are gone
I miss you more than you can imagine
You understood so much
And now you're gone it's all meaningless
Now that I need you most

Chapter 5 – To my ex

If I say it's over
Will that make it true?
If I say a thousand words
Will it make it real for you?
And when you finally understand
The things I say
Will you hate me when it's over
And it's time to walk away?

If I say I'm leaving
Will you cry and turn away
Can't you understand
That it needs to be this way
I need to escape
Cos I'm dying inside
Every time I look at you
And see death is in your eyes

And is it now
Or was it then
I can't see the truth your words are covering
Or is it true
And can you say
That you need me more to stay than walk away

Chapter 6 – To my father, the letter I couldn't send

Whatever you say you're not going to get better
However you act it won't make it lies
And can't you see that talking about it so openly
Hurts me
I don't want you to die
Why can't you see I don't want you to tell everyone
As if you're proud of it
Are you happy you're going to die?
Will you be glad to be rid of us
Now we're not perfect
She said "Just go, you can't do anything anyway
All you do is make things worse,"
But doesn't she think I might want to see you
Before you die
She's not the only one suffering
I want to see you
But when I do I run away
Because you look so old and ill
And I don't want you to die

Chapter 7 – On a relationship

Does it matter?
Can a heart so torn
Still hurt
Can a mind so split
Still think
Can a body so rejected
Still want
The one who rejects it

And does it matter?
Can a heart so hurt
Still love
Can a love unwanted
Still live
Can a life unloved
Still fulfil
And does it matter?

Can a choice so hard be made so young
And is it fair to ask
Can a thought so cruel be voiced
If love is there
Can a heart still grow
In claustrophobic
Nightmare
Can a love survive
If both feel so trapped

And does it matter?

Chapter 8 – Letter to my ex, unsent

You say you love me
You don't even know what love is
You didn't love me when you had me
Why start now that I am gone
You say it's my fault that you're this way
You were like this when I met you
So don't try to blame me
Because your life hasn't gone the way
You wanted it to go
It's not my fault
That you have no self control
No sense of responsibility
Too much arrogance
And a self destructive personality
I cannot be blamed
For the fact you have no money
Or no friends
I have no influence in your life
As you have none in mine
Although you still try to control me
As if I was yours
As if I was ever yours
And you wonder why I don't love you
Why should I love you
You never gave me reason to
You didn't trust me
Respect me
Like me even
So why expect I should feel anything for you
But anger and regret
That something that could have been so good
Never really started
So don't blame me
For your wandering eyes
For your grass is greener mentality
It's not my fault you were scared to commit
In case you got a better offer
And don't blame me
If you love me now
I never asked you to
And if you have regrets
Don't tell me
It's over
Goodbye

Chapter 9 – Confusion and teenage love

Please don't call me
I don't want you to call me
Because I know as soon as you hang up
I'll be crying again
And it hurts

But call me
Please call me
Cos I know as soon as I talk to you
I'll be smiling again

But don't call me
And I won't call you
And maybe in time I won't hurt so bad

I don't want to see you
Please turn away if you see me
Because I know I'll be thinking
Of the might have beens
And it will make me cry

But if I do see you
Please talk to me
Because I know as soon as I talk to you
I'll be smiling again

But don't talk to me
And I won't seek you out
And maybe in time it won't hurt so bad

And please don't text me
Don't text me however innocent
Because I'll only read things into it
That aren't really there
And then I'll be crying again
And it hurts

Text me
Please text me
Cos it makes me smile
But what you text will only upset me

So don't text me
And I won't text you
And maybe in time it won't hurt so bad

Stay away
Or I'll think that it meant more
I meant more to you
Than I really did
And then I'll be crying again

So don't contact me any more
We can't be friends
And maybe in time it won't hurt so bad