A final thought for you Daddy.

Sitting here, going over memories, thoughts of the past. I've been there to watch your son grow, I was there when your daughter was born. I've been there to see the changes you've gone through as a man, and for the newness of when you had to become a man because of your son. I've loved that little boy as though he were my own, would have died to protect him. The memories are many, laborious in their extremes, but we were a family, however messed up that family was at times, however disfunctional we were at times.

The pain of losing my family just seems to grow with each passing day, it doesn't change or go away. It's like a divorce. You were my husband in every sense of the word, except for the legalities of it. If I could have one wish, just one, it would be to have my family back, in tact and ready for the next things that life throws at us. You've been my lover, and my best friend, he's been my son too, both of you as much a part of me as my soul, how do I let that go? How do I get over it? Maybe I truly never will get over it completely. A feeling like that only comes along once in a lifetime.

Anyone else is second best, someone who I've only settled on because I can no longer have my family. It's not mine anymore is it, you belong to another, and I... I get to watch another take care of, and love my family. But actually I can't even watch. It kills me inside to know that it's over, it breaks my heart to know I'll never see your son be a man, or that what I will see will be through pictures. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, now all I have left are memories, pictures, recordings, letters and archives. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, just know that I love you, all three of you, and I always will.