A Horrific Past

Misconceptions and suicidal thoughts
over nighters and things I've bought
break me in more than one way
yet i stand her blankly
my mind forms no words
I've nothing to say
i wish in time
i could put my pen to paper
but when i get close my mind begins to taper
off and into infinity
morbid memories begin to fill my subconscious
to the point i can't even tell if I'm conscious
I'm bombarded with thoughts of my past
bitter sweet memorials to thoughts that can't last
just for instance take the time
i lost my virginity
i swear my mother acted like it was a crime
but then again i guess it was
just because
i was innocent
and my heart wasn't in it
but alas to an older man
With smooth moves
and a very fine..can
i gave something i can never get back
just to see what it was like to ride on something black
and through stupid i may have been
that was just the beginning
just my first major sin
a couple of days later i lied to my friends
they thought i was lying
so i had to pretend
i was an expert on things i didn't know
that didn't get me far
they just called me a hoe
so like the teenager i was i cried alone
Went to my room and thanked god i was home
but three in the.morning a phone call came
come on girl just sneak out
your mama may shout
but wouldn't it be a shame
if you didn't go out
come on she'll never know
and so out the window i.went
by five o'clock my mind was spent
then again weed well THC
became my best friend
And it made my.friends love me
at least at night
we didn't.fight
when i.went back home
i prayed my mom was gone
work came early
so surely
she'd never know
to bad she was on my bed
and i knew i was dead
The next day after yelling all night
i went to.school only to get in a fight
some girl i didn't know
called me a hoe
And i just knew i had to leave
my mom.was already mad
So i had to deceive
her
if she never knew shed never be mad
still at 4 pm she was at the door
ready to yell
i was an ungrateful whore
so i showed her what one was
thats.not something a normal kid does
i left ready to get laid
only to realise the feeling was beginning to fade
so to a party i went
to pick up a friend whose.common sence was spent
only to have a roofy put in my drink
my mind went hazy i couldn't think
my arms grew heavy my eyes hazy
somehow my whole body had become lazy
And as the world began to spin
i realised the kind of trouble i was in
when suddenly I'm lifted in the air
i just kept thinking
this isn't right
this isn't fair
but after a while as the tears ran down my face
and as their faces blurred
and their hearts began to race
i realised
i was a prize
an initiation
for infiltration
into a gang
thats why they had to bang
some unsuspecting girl
stupid bastards didnt even move me
when i began to hurl
i was alone once more
after all three walked out the door
unable to move and mad at the world
after that night
i couldn't fight
With my family or friends
i didn't know where night ended and day begins
i went out everyday
and screwed another man
just so i could say
I'm in control
this is my plan
for months this lasted
getting drunk
getting blasted
i found refuge.in drugs to
I didn't know what else to do
the pain was to strong
for.me to listen when people said my life style was wrong
i.was faded and jaded
and just didn't care
i gave up on life
and didnt think anyone cared
But after seven years straight
seven years strong
i can say
as i look back on.that date
i wish i had known all along
that oneday
i would be okay
and the pain does deminish
that way i could have tried to replenish
my hope
without the help.of dope