A Moment in Time

An Evanescence CD plays softly
drowning out any sobs that might escape
as my release presses deeper,
sinking into soft flesh,
sliding downwards on my arm,
opening my skin.

I keep my eyes tightly shut,
a futile effort to block out everything.
Shaking, quivering,
my fingers fumble with the blade.
I force myself to press it deeper
sawing into muscle,
searching for bone,
a whimper escapes my lips.

I try to remember why I am doing this -
I can’t,
my mind is blank,
frightened.
Panicked I draw back.
The knife clatters to the floor harmlessly.
Harmlessly?
I laugh at my own thought,
nearly delirious.

Grabbing towels I try to staunch the wound,
watching in horror as it soaks through.
Only seconds have passed,
didn’t I read somewhere this was supposed to take hours?

Death can’t be this quick -
I’ve changed my mind!
I crumble to my knees,
Pressing the drenched towels against me
The world spins
It has only been minutes since I started –
Hasn’t it?

I try to look at my watch,
wiping away blood until I can see the face.
Even still the numbers are blurry,
I fight with all my strength to read them -
I must know how much time has passed!
Forcing the world into focus I stare,
trying to comprehend,
1:18am…

I look a while longer,
knowing this will be my last moment,
knowing the choice is no longer mine.

I think of you.
As if summoned I hear the door open
See you beside me on the cold tile floor
From a distance I see your tears.

Oh god, I’m so sorry
What have I done?
Why was I so foolish?

I see your lips move as you scream for help -
muffled whispers echo in my mind
I raise my hand,
caressing your cheek,
Saying goodbye.

You bellow uselessly for help
as my eyes flutter shut forevermore,
a victim of this world’s pain
and my own weaknesses.
The Evanescence CD ends unnoticed.