A New Christmas Poem!byUncle Pervey©
Twas the night before Christmas, and gettin' real late,
I was feelin' real horny, and could hardly wait!
My wife had just got undressed, and put on her gown,
Her bottom gave a jiggle, and my eyes looked down!
I got a real big boner, when she climbed in bed,
I was thinkin' of "Nookie," no plums in MY head!
We'd both just started playin', with me there on top,
When a gawdawful loud noise, caused my heart to stop!
I jumped from bed and fell down, and busted my head,
I looked out of our window, and then I saw red!
I saw a fat old wino, in a red wagon,
Pulled by one old mangy dog, with cans a draggin'!
That mutt turned up our sidewalk, draggin' that old fart,
"This CAN'T BE Saint Nicholas, ridin' in that old cart!
That old man had a bottle, of real cheap red wine,
He was yellin' and swearin', and having a time!
I grabbed up my old shotgun, I knew what to do,
I'd shoot that mangy mongrel, and that old fool too!
But before I could take aim, my wife grabbed my arm,
She warned "If you shoot that gun, you'll set off alarms!"
What she said made sense to me, so I put it down,
I glared out at that old fart, with an ugly frown!
I don't know how he did it, the next thing I knew,
He was in our living-room, with his stinkin' brew!
When he saw us he giggled, and belched and farted,
I was feelin' glum and felt, somewhat down hearted!
That old drunk was in our house, wearin' a red suit,
He was dirty and nasty, and he wasn't cute.
That old drunk was staggerin', but he found our tree,
He was draggin' a trash bag, as worn out as he.
He fumbled the sack open, and shoved in his hand,
He pulled an old sweater out, and it had no brand.
He slurred "Thish ish for you shun, and gave me a grin,
Then he pulled out old panties, that were stained and thin.
He took himself a long drink, then belched and gasped loud,
"Thunderbird's the besh of all!" and that rascal bowed!
He was oggling my wife, with slobbering lips,
She was wearin' her nightie, and he glommed her hips!
He grinned at me and mumbled, "Thash a real shweet Lass!"
He stumbled but kept learing, eyeballing her ass!
I was gettin' angrier, and feelin' real mean,
I growled "YOU CAN'T BE Santa, you're just plain obscene!
If you lear just one more time, lookin' at her ass,
I'll use my fists on your head, and I'll bust your chin!
I don't know how you got in, but you're leavin' quick,
I'll boot your ass down the street, and make you plumb sick!"
That old geizer's eyes got big, and he stumbled out,
He fell into his wagon, and we heard him shout!
"Git your ash movin' Arnold, git on down thish road,
Thish man here ish gone crazy!" Then that old fart crowed!
"Merry Chrishmas jush the shame, now kish my ash bye!"
We were shocked when we saw him, soaring through the sky!
We went back to our bedroom, but my lust had run,
I fell asleep muttering, "Damned fool ruined our fun!!"