Accounting and building

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107 words
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todski28
todski28
20 Followers

Projector beams down as slide flips
to next slide
equations,
liabilities less assets
equal profits
the back light illuminates her in an eerie glow
as she slinks past
lilac and lavender soft
drifts on the air
a heady scent
pricks sharp on my senses
the sirens song of desire
of longing unleashed as her hand
planes the air off my skin
offers of a private tuition accepted
where
I teach her what I know of building
how to truss and tie,
how to scribe a line to fit tight
screw it hard,
she teaches me
a verbal assessment
and where to
pencil in the hardest numbers

todski28
todski28
20 Followers
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TsothaTsothaalmost 10 years ago

I agree with butters — tight focus. The first half sets up the scene. The boring slides suddenly disappear, replaced with and overload of the senses. And then comes the part quoted by butters, which is some really good writing.

buttersbuttersalmost 10 years ago
this, in particular, shows your development, your tighter focus, your control over language

song of desire

of longing unleashed as her hand

planes the air off my skin

offers of a private tuition accepted

where

I teach her what I know of building

how to truss and tie,

how to scribe a line to fit tight

screw it hard,

she teaches me

a verbal assessment

and where to

pencil in the hardest numbers

CleardaynowCleardaynowalmost 10 years ago
Belatedly

I had left this to mull over my comment. The problem at my age is that before it has finished mulling my mind often wanders off into other things - actually I think I have always been that disorganised.

Very, very nice. I am happy without the article (GM’s comments are always more than worth reading) & it seems more like film directions or something. Scene setting.

It is not just that it is highly erotic (which it is), you create the persona & feeling of the person so strongly.

Ashesh9Ashesh9almost 10 years ago
excellent as a Chartered Accountant { personally i've always hated Power Point ]

my mind wanders when you mention " assets" & I wonder naughtily which asstes is the Poet hintin' @ the Lady's or the Company's ??, Tod ?! 5-ed .

greenmountaineergreenmountaineeralmost 10 years ago

I needed time on this, tod. That's why I didn't comment yesterday. It was an enjoyable read for the reasons others have mentioned.

Here's my quibble and hesitation from yesterday: I didn't like the first line, absent the definite article (the). Having said that, I'll agree that "The projector beams down as the slide flips" is probably not any better a first line.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but when I read a sentence without an expected definite article it feels like texting.

I'm wondering if the poem would have been better begun at line 4, given "Accounting" in the poem's title and the subsequent mention of "back light," and, if need be, work "projector" in later in the poem.

The contrast between numbers and the woman's sensuality made the poem erotic for me as well as your wonderful word choice in lines 8-12. demure's comment was spot on. The traditional male craft of building contrasted with the soft feminine image of the presenter also adds to the erotic affect in my opinion.

Perhaps it's just my style, but I would have segmented the poem into several stanzas in the hope of subtly drawing the reader's attention to a particular image I was conveying. For example, I think lines 8-12 work well as a stanza.

Please accept my comments as an effort to provoke your thinking, not as a right or wrong choice of poetic devices. As I said, this was an enjoyable read.

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