- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Addiction
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Click hereI crave the feeling of your weight on me,
When you stare into my eyes,
I adore the look you have,
And almost begin to cry.
You kiss me on the forehead,
You tell me it was great,
You get up to put your clothes on,
And I know it's almost too late.
I try to scream with no voice,
My silent cry falling on a deaf ear,
I battle with my feelings,
As you departure draws near.
It's terrible what's happened,
I'm in love with my "friend with benefits",
I should end it all now,
But you're the addiction I cannot quit.
- COMMENTS
duddle146over 17 years agoJust friends ~ who become a good deal more to each other. Poignant rendering.
LeBrozabout 18 years agoBetter this time around - no visual distractions.
A couple small suggestions. Words such as the, and, or, but, that really say nothing - try to edit them out, when possible. I know sometimes they do work, but I've found them to be poetic "junk food."
Another small suggestion for this strophe:
"I try to scream with no voice,
My silent cry falling on a deaf ear,
I battle with my feelings,
As you departure draws near."
Try:
"I try to scream with no voice,
My silent cry falls on a deaf ear,
I battle with my feelings,
As your departure draws near."
Careful with gerunds - I changed falling to falls. This gives greater impact; it's more active. No harm in gerunds; you can even choose to deliberately use them to help in rhythm, rhyme, or a soft romantic feel.
Keep it up.
