All the Layers of Yous

It's three a.m.,
I'm wide awake,
looking for signs of mistakes
made in my formation.

Remembering the smiles,
each facial expression,
eyes shining.

So young we were,
and I thought nothing could touch it,
the flame that grew,
the bond that built,
the look of trust that was shared.

We held on hard,
to each other,
and to hope.

This shade of you,
I prefer to remember.

But you peeled back that layer,
showed me what hurt could be,
stole my heart and then blamed me.

I thought there was no recovery,
discovering that you loved me,
and her...
while I supported your dreams,
our dreams.

And so I disposed of you,
leaving behind the awful truth.

Fast forward,
slightly jaded,
hard on the outside,
but not on the eyes.

I spot you,
all dimples and baby blues,
shy but confident.

I was alive at that very moment,
as if awaking from a long slumber,
stretching slowly like a lazy cat,
preparing for the hunt.

Nervous and out of pratice,
I opened the doors to my heart,
you moved in,
and it felt good to have company again.

This version of you,
I've committed to memory.

Support system lacking,
I carried us both,
but tripped up,
and scattered our pieces,
amongst the broken glass,
and nightly fights.

And when I begged you to hold on tight,
you let me go in a phone call,
in a message,
that tested me in ways I never expected.

so I picked myself up,
and ran face first into you,

Sweet, funny, irresistable you.

All heart,
true and sincere,
awkward and unsure,
and it was breathtaking.

My last great hope.

This image of you,
is burned to the back of my eyelids.

You wrapped me up in your skin,
trying to make me believe we were one in the same,
but I hesitated,
when you spoke my name with worry.

Based on the past mistakes,
the heartache and lies,
all still too vivid,
I committed myself to building a wall.

One that you couldn't bring down,
around me,
around us.

And I watched you build your own,
to match mine,
and it was then I knew that my heart was alone,
turned stone,
and skipped off waves of pain,
now crashing down my barrier,
brick by brick.

Running for cover,
has never been more sobering,
has never scarred more,
has never seemed more terrifying,
and has never felt more lonely,
at night,
eyes closed.

Even with all the layers of yous to comfort me.