Aloof

Just as I thought the storm had passed, it takes hold when I’m my most vulnerable. Worse than any perfect storm, raging in uncontrollably, the waves break over and over. No recognition of me is left, just raw emotions welling over taking control once again. I fight, although it’s a losing battle one I have lost many, many times. Those lost fights now responsible for all that I am feeling. And so I lie there paralyzed, wounded, torn. Struggling to breathe, the darkness comes to comfort me once again. Nothing anyone could do or say could hurt more than this, for I have hurt myself more than anyone ever could have.

I feel a release with every tear. The words of the forked tongue no longer sting me. A callous rebuilds within me just below the surface, so familiar and cold. I smile at this strange comfort this seeming emptiness has brought for me. I remind myself I am no longer the woman I once was. I am unhealthy, worthless, and jaded.

Then, I see a light, a shimmer in the distance, she is there, however, merely a shadow dancing in the back of my mind, weaving her emotionless magic. She calls to me and I can only watch her laugh at what I’ve become. I smile at her, knowing what her medicine can offer me. She whispers to me, offering me my previous unimpassioned state. I can feel it pass over me, and for just a moment I was me again. Cleansed of all the confusion, pain and sorrow the last months have held. But also, void of all the ecstasy, knowledge, transformation and happiness that has birthed. She, Aloof, teasing me with her dangerous charm, but I know what she offers comes at a price.

So, I open my eyes to the world, reemerging to my perilous state, shutting her away. I shed another tear, this time for me, and for denying the painlessness once again. Knowing however, that tonight I have changed. If only for it being a single callous and a resurgence of my friend, I know that just for seeing her, I am different. I am aware of what I can become once again, and realize that I am in control of that choice. I know that I will dance with her again someday, but that time has not yet come.