Any Way But Forever

I held you in the dark,
because you wanted safety.
I held you for security, for love,
for lack of knowing what else I could do.

Long hours of soft talk and
your soft tears,
unlit minutes where I listened
to your voice trembling
and my fingers stole sensations
from your smooth body.

For all that passed after,
I will carry your half limned profile
the careful swell and dip of your
woman's figure
the longest.

I did intend sleep,
curled up beside you,
no matter what I wanted

But

you quivered,
you moaned,
when I kissed the back of your neck
that long, pretty neck
which always makes me think the word 'elegant,'
when I stare.

I blame your hand in my hair,
I blame your skin.
I blame the way you smelled,
your panting breath.
I don't blame you.

In the dark, pressed against me,
with my light fingers on your back,
(lacy fingertips down your spine)
you threw back your head and I,

I was content to live on your body, for a while.

Knees thrown over crooked elbows,
knees folded against thighs,
knees tangled together with mine.

Could we have rocked like that forever,
been nothing but soft gasps,
moaned names?

Forever is a word that lies.

Yet, I feel
that there is some truth
in every lie,
and here
I am still in that moment,
with you in my arms,
crying above me.
Inside you
and

happy.

Was it hateful providence that
let one little saline bastard
fall from your eye,
into mine?
It's trite,
but I'll hold it close,
long and longer.

And I said

"I won't ask questions."

And I said

"I won't make assumptions."

Hah!
I won't ever want anything
but the dark and you
and not feeling empty.

Wasn't it home, again?
Wasn't it good, still?

"I'd almost forgotten,"
I lied, though the feeling
of you surprised me so,

it felt new,
but still comfortable.

And I held you and
you cried and
I did, too,
but silently,
without shaking.

No sobbing for this kid,
no crying over spilt...

Well. You know.

And then sleep and then
dreams and then
morning and then
you, again,
with me, behind,
just as we woke up,

lazy on our sides.

And then sleep and then
dreams and then
afternoon and then

and then you left.

And I smoked cigarettes,
and I drank a beer,
and I tried, oh
lordy lordy,
I did try.

But none of it
not a bit of it
erased your skin from mine.

And you win.

I will love you
any way but forever.
You will be worth it
any way but forever.

I can't lie about loving you forever.
Never forever.

Nothing is that perfect.

But until we are reborn cats
that lie in slow moving, sunny bars
on wooden floors?
That I can do.

That, really,
I am doing.

For Hannah, who came back, if only long enough to moan 'I love you' in my ear between throaty breaths and desperate kisses.