- Erotic Poetry
- August Is Over
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LEMONIA (F)LEAP EDELTRAUD => UNTITLED CHAPTER (AS YET) => WATCHING THE NIGHT SKY
HILLSIDE
TUESDAY EARLY MORNING
2/9/2014
AUGUST IS OVER
I saw you passing,
it was not you,
it was my wish to see you,
as a falling star
in who's brief illumination,
I could have wished
whatever I wanted.
I spent a whole summer
calculating my wish,
re-phrasing it to be quick,
cause falling stars pass quickly.
I came to my final decision
and then tonight I saw you passing.
Sorry, my dear,
you've lasted ten times longer
than I could have hoped,
I couldn't believe my eyes,
I kicked myself to wake up,
but I was talking on the phone,
you know to whom.
I did not wish at all,
I let you pass,
the conversation was more important,
I was saying my usual good night to my wife.
I can never hope
to see you pass again,
maybe next summer, but for now,
August is over,
falling stars also.
- COMMENTS
greenmountaineerover 9 years agoInteresting read, pelegrino. I enjoyed it. I hope you'll consider somethings that detract from an otherwise good poem:
Line 3 needs no comma at the end of it.
Line 5 "who's" should be "whose."
The first stanza is nicely done and captures the reader's interest otherwise.
In stanza 2 "cause" in line 4 sounds too colloquial to me, given line one in stanza 3, "My Dear," which is both semi-eloquent and appropriate. In fact, I like it because it suggests some disdain, maybe displaced because the disdain may be subconsciously on the part of the narrator or maybe the mistress. It doesn't matter to me as much as the tension "My Dear" created in my mind. In that regard, "because," would have been a better choice as a precedent, and I don't think it disrupts the rhythm of the line.
Call me old-fashioned and sentimental, but I wanted the last stanza to end after the 4th line. What can I say? I have a great wife whom I love. That said, I have no quibble with the remaining lines because of the last two.
