Breaking the Habit

Breaking the Habit
By David E. Johnson

I have a weakness,
I know what it is;
but I can't...
no matter how hard I try.

It's killing me,
draining,
scarring,
burning my insides.

I'm clever,
but not better,
than this disease
that exists in me.

It breaks my pride;
I can't find forgiveness
in myself;
this pain is killing me!

The better parts of me,
encourage...
but the blackness beckons,
tightening its grip.

I struggle to...
overcome...
this addiction;
but I don't have the power.

It's coils ensnare,
suffocating,
overwhelming,
choking out the best of me.

It makes me weep
to think about all
I've survived;
only to fall to this lie.

No matter what I try,
this addiction won't let go;
and I suffer from a weakness
that covers up my pride.

But I will struggle on,
I will not go quiety;
Won't let it win easily,
no matter how much it hurts.

I wish I was another,
someone who did not
carry this burden
on their soul;

Yet I am not,
so I will have to
play this hand
I've been dealt.

I made it,
built it,
nurtured it;
gave it its hold over me.

If I could take it back,
I would never begin;
But agonizing won't change
what has happened to me.

I've reach the part
in the game
where the cards
play themselves.

Where no matter
how hard I try,
the sickness
must resolve itself.

Checking the hand,
just prolongs the cost;
Raising just makes the loss
even greater for me.

So I will bite this bullet,
and never look back;
turning my weakness
into another memory.

I write this to remind me
that I cannot afford
to give up
on overcoming...

To remind me about how I felt,
when I was a slave
to something that was burning
the better part of me.

I cry to think;
I've come so far in life...
I cannot lose to something
that only has as much power
as I give it.

When I get through this,
I'll feel so much better;
Pride will be restored,
faith will be reborn.

I owe it to myself,
to grow stronger
than the addiction
that binds me.

Depression is a symptom,
not an end;
Pain is the temporary stain
of withdrawal.

All I have to do
Is not give in
to the craving;
and I will win.

No
No, No,
NO, NO, NO!
I will not give in!

I make this pact,
with myself,
never to smoke
ever again;

I will not need forgiveness,
because I will not falter
in this endeavor.

I will turn into another,
someone better than me;
who is no a slave
to insubstantial death.

I will become stronger,
with each success,
everyday,
forever.