Car Guide for Women

I love the Jensen Healey, it is really up my alley.
I'm a girl who's touchy feely so I'm liable to get pally
With a man who likes to rally such a sexy little car.
Though the consequences are,
That we'll not get very far in terms of one another's rocks off.
There's hardly room for anyone to even take their socks off.

And neither has an MGB sufficiency of space for me
When I get flirty, wanting to get down and dirty.
Should the driver make a pass, I'd find it hard to shift my arse.
I tend to catch my boot's high heel, when my leg is at an angle,
Underneath the steering wheel,
Where electric wires tangle up just like a nest of vipers
And it starts the windscreen wipers.

If I drive a Morris Minor with my legs apart, it seems
A draught up my vagina makes me wish I'd worn my jeans.
I feel like I'm a midwife
Who has got some kind of mid-life crisis nagging at her gently.
Perhaps I'll buy a Bentley.
(Completely accident'ly.)

Like me, if you're the fairer sex, when working on a motor car,
Do take care when fixing wrecks, and always wear a sturdy bra.
When you tighten up the rockers, you can easy catch your knockers
In the engine timing chain, causing you a lot of pain.
(You won't do that again.)
Don't use GTX, if you're planning to have sex.
You can't buy it in a tube, but you won't beat natural lube.

My German boyfriend wears my panties
When he drives in his Trabant. He's not a great obsesser
About being a cross-dresser
(Or even slightly tranny).
It's just he says, the feel of them reminds him of my fanny.

If a guy feels lack of sex is caused by owning a Toyota,
He should trade up to a Lexus to ensure a higher quota.
Girls naturally come a-flocking
Seeing room to take their stockings off and hang them on the fairing
So they get a better airing while he's cruising and they're losing
All the rest of what they're wearing.

My gay best friend called Esther really loves her Ford Fiesta.
Though as for me, I'm personally much fonder of a Honda
Or a Subaru Impreza which, although you may be lezzer
Is built with much more scope, so is able more to cope
With the petting you'll be getting and the odd salacious grope
As things start to get more groovy when parked at the drive-in movie.

I knew a man called Gerald who completely ruined his life
When he claimed his Triumph Herald was more beautiful than his wife.
He really dropped a clanger by comparing some old banger
To the woman he had married. There are no ifs or buts,
She should take his set of spanners and apply them to his nuts.

A guy that thinks his Hillman Minx is quite some passion wagon
Should change his mind
Because he'll find they're ill-designed for shaggin'.
A better plan's to buy a van, then pull the birds as best you can.
A Transit seems the wisest tack
(Chuck a mattress in the back).

You see some jerks who cruise in Mercs, kerb-crawling without stalling
While trawling for a harlot for a quickie in a car lot.
You won't see them driving Volvos, or a Porsche Carrera Sport,
The layout of the vehicle's more important than you thought.
You have to bear in mind all the differences it CAN make
Especially if a blowjob is impeded by the handbrake.

With ten women in an Audi things can get a little rowdy
When you're driving on a hen-do and intend to do what men do
Which is get each other wrecked and to lose all self respect.
Because of all the drinking you can't hear the engine pinking
Or feel the poor suspension which is sinking under tension.
Not to mention all the laughing and the barfing and the hurling.
(It's a girl thing.)

Men who drive a Lamborghini often have a weeny peeny.
Nor in a BMW there's very much to trouble you.
(It's deemed to be just backing for the self esteem they're lacking.)
It doesn't follow suit that he who drives a Ford Cortina
Is likely to be cute and hung like Rudolph Valentino.
(I read it in The Beano.)

You don't have to be some saddo to enjoy a Silver Shadow.
(Even Émile Zola often made love in his Roller).
They're so handy for a wedding.
If they're fitted out with bedding, there's no need to be off heading
Somewhere far away to spoon,
Under a silv'ry moon (like Sri Lanka or Rangoon).
As soon as you leave church, with reception destination,
Straightway you can lurch into an early consummation.

When trading in your model, don't get over-sentimental.
Inevitably you'll,
Be surprised at all the fuel that you'll save by being brave
Giving up your Continental for a Fiat or a Jeep,
Both comparatively cheap.
But I'd miss the leather seats on which a lass can fall right back.
So to hell with saving gas, please recall my Cadillac.

Vrrrrooom... purrrrrrrrr...