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Click here"We was moonwalkin', Mama, Christmas Day,
on Kwanza, Cleona's birthday, and mine
and Daddy be dancin' in the street
when "it doesn't matter whattchu wear."
"But Daddy, Child, danced with blue devils too,
and duck was a word that weren't no bird
Cleo be shieldin' you last Christmas Eve
when rat-a-tat drive by bullets flew."
Ladies and Gentleman, KTLA
proudly presents The Nutcracker Suite
live on stage at the Staples Center
in beautiful downtown Los Angeles.
"Why do the Blue, Mama, crip-walk outside
and hip hop O Come All Ye Faithful?
and why Cleona she playin' with them
insteada be inside trimmin' the tree?"
"Oh, my Sweet Little Ballerina,
Alphonse say Cleo now his blue diamond.
Come, Baby Girl, it lullaby time,
ain't nothin' but giant rats on TV."
Al Sharpton
a line or two of readable dialect takes it to the line of acceptable.
this is way over, any message is lost by the shuck and jive, and unless i'm mistaken it should be "We be moonwalkin", you be usin WP grammer, see Daddy be dancin'
but then, I'm no expert either, 'sides you an easterner how you know what they talk in LA
didn't vote
I found the extensive use of quotation really puzzling. It was necessary to reread to figure out who was saying what and where the voice of the narrator was. I would not say this is close to your strongest piece, GM, but a very worthy experiment! I do appreciate the contrasts you were drawing.
It reminds me of Tolson's Harlem Portraits. Well done!
using street patter, changes not the relationship given, TK U MLJ LV NV
for others to weigh in on this, but my personal take is that it is very, very difficult to write dialect unless you are familiar with it to the point that you actually speak it. It worked for Gil Scott Heron, it worked for Langston Hughes...I'm just not so sure it works for you. That said - I appreciate the structure and I do love the last line, which I think does work. Seriously - giant rats on TV.