Christmas Eve Disturbed

I wake in the night and can't sleep again,
That's how Christmas Eve affects me sometimes;
No sugarplum visions dance in my head,
And I am not roused by noises above;
But thoughts of holidays...future and past;
Roil and pounce and unsettle me but good.

Do I wonder whether I have been good;
if Santa is bringing me coal again?
Do I worry whether Christmases past
will rise to haunt me, like they do sometimes?
Or, more likely, is it not the above,
and just the dull ache of my throbbing head?

Always, it seems, no matter what, my head
and throat never feel anything like good,
my meds are filled and waiting above;
waiting until time to take them again.
Deep within my mind, I wonder sometimes
if it isn't just echoes from the past.

What deeds have I done, what sins of the past
would keep me awake, pounding in my head?
I think I know--I fear that I know--sometimes,
working through my sins towards feeling good
but the pains return time and time again.
I refill them, praying to God above

What is it I think that Heaven above
can do now that they haven't in the past?
Who knows? But I try again and again
and, as before, I begin to feel good
Perhaps the whole thing is just in my head,
I wonder about that, as well, sometimes

Waking on an important night, sometimes
it's a rumbling stomach, not head above,
I find twisting, grinding, burbling but good
waking me suddenly, as I have in the past,
although not with fuzzy or aching head,
merely unsettled and sleepless again.

I've been very good this year, but sometimes
Time rolls again through my brain while above
me I feel the past sitting on my head.