Coward

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You want to make love
I tell you I don’t know how
You look confused
I ask if you’d fancy a fuck?

I don’t wait for an answer
It’s quick and hard, thrusting and intense
Filled with you angry passion
You want me to feel how I’ve hurt you again

You’re silent afterwards
Not knowing what to say
Shall we argue again?
The word futility comes to mind

My words ring in your ears
I don’t love you
I am incapable of love
Because I am incapable of trust

I lie next to you looking contentedly aloof
Inside my head is a whirl
Why not?
I am dumbfounded by my own shortcomings

No, because to love you
Would leave me wide open
Too vulnerable
Too capable of pain

Not that you would hurt me on purpose
I know that
But knowing that wouldn’t keep it from happening
You couldn’t help it, and I couldn’t trust you not to

Which makes the reality ironically unbearable
The fact that I do love you
With every touch and every breath
Every beat of my heart, beats for you

But you won’t ever know that
My own frailty cripples me emotionally
I hide from you on crutches of frigidity
To preserve myself

Too capable of pain
Incapable of trust
Incapable of love
Forgive me

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