Dabbling in Darkness

I agree with butters. Up to the third stanza, you have one poem, in which much is implied. From that point, however, in my mind it becomes a conclusion of what came before, and hence, a bit predictable. While it's not a problem, in itself (to me, since I like things with conclusions), I also think the first part has a quality I really appreciate, which is missing in the second: suspense.

Great poem, though, and an interesting take on a controversial subject. :)

hello, todski - re our discussion: i'd have to cut this at the dancing colours of the koi, such a strong visual. what follows feels like a different poem altogether, and i know you had issues with the subject matter. cutting it here makes for a different poem, a different intent.

i'm debating about the 3 line intro: it creates dramatic tension, but part of me wants a more concrete image that shows me stillness, silence, the ability to not be seen - i'd suggest brick or wood, but then it loses that sense of 'poised'.

i'd do away with 'hushed breaths' as 'silence' lends itself to that already. really like how you use 'your frame' linking it sound and meaning-wise with 'door' and what we associate with door i.e 'frame'. you are already using the ripples i spoke of in pm.

'partially protected' feels unpoetic, clunky phrasing in my mouth. maybe 'buffered by the bulge of biceps'? retains the swollen, full sounds to underline the shape/mass of the muscles.

'trying to fight futile' is too cliché. you need something that'll do the same job but is fresher on the eye, unless it's your intention for the 'victim' to be a living cliché.

and now onto the parts that work best imo:

the silhouette image, the 'streaming' that links with water and koi, the inked fish, the sound links throughout the phrasing, the drawing of her eyes to the pulsing, veiny cock with its twitching tip, the 'manic' nature of the beast as reflected in the sexual nature of the attack... its instead of it's.

like the mesmeric quality of the inked fish's colour, how it drags the eye, the frozen brain, removes a human quality and replaces it with non-human so links back to the perceived animalistic nature of the attack. Having said that, though, i find myself wanting to take out the word 'frozen' in that line before last here - i'd replace it with 'leaps' or something similar, to induce the visuals of an involuntary twitch of the powerful thigh muscle, setting the koi to 'dancing' even more than if it were just great inkwork. makes it live more, i suppose.

food for thought, anyway. this piece creates some really vivid pictures!

the sudden twist @ the very end made this spatial poem special !!5-ed .

looks like a pacing and pounce, but the pacing tends to dissipate,

stalking from foot to foot....to fingers clasp tight is telegraphing

but I liked the koi

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