Dark Spell

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124 words
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HarryHill
HarryHill
98 Followers

Foul depths of thought

dark repository of intent

give me the blood I desire


..
Fetid memories caught

Stygian screams torn and rent

Tortured bodies in the mire


..
Release now my will wrought

Convey my dark message sent

Eviscerated souls on deaths pire


..
Black sleep I grant those sought

Eternal pain follow to where they went

I will find you; I do not tire


..
My vengeance nev'r to be bought

freely given pain I hint

Pleasured smile as you writhe in fire


..
All yours for little cost

come forward now and soon be lost

broken bodies used and tossed


..
Razored greetings and farewells

See you soon the depths of hell

I will sing your sweet death knell


..

HarryHill
HarryHill
98 Followers
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  • COMMENTS
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5 Comments
ArjayEiffArjayEiffover 11 years ago
Dark Side

I see what you mean about exploring it

tazz317tazz317over 11 years ago
A PICTURE OF THOUGHT

after a raid and the turmoil wrought. TK U MLJ LV NV

DesejoDesejoover 11 years ago
Let me try this again

This has a lot of potential. It could be improved by clarifying the voice, some reordering of the stanzas, and word tweaks. The line 'I will find you; I do not tire' gave me the serious heebie jeebies because the voice is strong, direct and threatening. Comments following are suggestions for reinforcing that creep factor:

first stanza: Changing "give me the blood I desire" to "that is what I desire" or "it's your blood I desire" . Makes it more direct and personal.

2nd: the focus here is no longer on the victim or the immediate. I would move it to later on as in the poem.

3rd: Change 'release' to obey, and maybe covey to relay, and then make the last line more threatening viz I will shackle your souls to the pire, or something like that

4th. Black sleep sounds like blacksheep - barbed sleep maybe?

5-6th. I'm not sure what these stanzas add, and the concept of paying or free is hard to understand. Maybe make it clear what awaits.

anyway - I wouldn't have spent time on this if I didn't think it had merit, and these are just things to consider.

DesejoDesejoover 11 years ago
whoops

Harry - I posted a long comment - email me if you got it and deleted it. If not then I will try to put the thing together again. Not sure what I did!

twelveoonetwelveooneover 11 years ago
I

would have waited a couple weeks for this,

i 5ed, which means i read it, but don't feel like getting into the particulars

any way if you sent the pm, there is a thread called sonics, hopefully answering at least part of the question