Darling

Poem Info
Non-erotic love poem, about a long distance relationship.
119 words
4.2
801
1
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Darling, if you are awake,
Then fix your gaze on the moon,
as my eyes do now.
See how it shines,
throwing silver on all the land,
and pretend it is my smiling face,
as I have oft pretended for you.

Darling, if you hear me,
Then open yourself to the fireflies,
as my ears do now.
Listen to their soft sighs,
bringing music into darkness,
and pretend they are my earnest whispers,
as I have oft pretended for you.

Darling, if you stir,
Then stand to greet the warm wind,
as my arms do now.
Feel its gentle touch,
folding you into an embrace,
and pretend it is my sweet caress,
as I have oft pretended for you.

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11 Comments
sanishensanishenabout 6 years ago
Good!

You're already good in my eyes - an inspiration in yourself - brava!

Senna JawaSenna Jawaabout 6 years ago
So nice!

NH, such a great response! Thank you.

NervousHeartNervousHeartabout 6 years agoAuthor
Concerning some things...

Thank you for the feedback! I thought I'd try to reply to some great things that were brought up, but there doesn't seem to be a reply button. I've been feeling conflicted about the use of 'oft', and am agreeing that 'often' might be a great replacement after I rewrite some lines.

I also must admit I didn't realize that the ears part of the second stanza evoked such strange imagery. I intended the lines a sort of sleepy need to adjust yourself to the world, and sound, when you wake up.

On the other hand, I done believe art like poetry should or even can make sense all of the time. For example, comparing the radiance of a person to a celestial body is a bit cliché, but the moon reminds me of her face, and it's light/ the light of her smile are much more private than the sun. So some times meanings can be tricky.

I don't believe poetry nreds to always be simple, although simplicity can enhance the impact (like black and white as opposed to color photos) , I think its a matter of authors style.

I do have to make some edits, but if anyone would like some of the story behind it and didn't see the description, here goes. I was dating this girl for a few years, long distance, so we didn't get to meet in person very often. We relied on each other emotionally, probably more than we should have since we had both been through a lot. Anyway, she was in a bad place, and she really needed me, but I couldn't go and see her. She was asleep when I wrote it. I wanted her to know her love and her longing was mutual. I think I texted her as soon as I finished writing it. I think she liked it. I don't remember much else, it was almost two years ago.

I guess it's pretty clear I'm an Amateur. I'm inspired by other poetry, as well as rap. I want to become better, and the only way I can do that is if I know where I'm falling short. So thank you for letting me know! ♡

DaddyDaKtyLKR69DaddyDaKtyLKR69about 6 years ago
Very nice

I like it no matter what the tiny mistakes may be. I am going to be writing one for my Little Girl!

Senna JawaSenna Jawaabout 6 years ago
Correction: buzzflies, not firebuzzes.

As the title said, I have meant "buzzflies".

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