- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Daybreak
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A red sun's sailing in. The eastern sky
is bleeding and above the angry sea
the storm clouds gather. In the leafless wood
stiff branches creak before the rising wind
that shifts the yellow leaves in rustling drifts
as treetops bend and a thin moaning comes
from hills and chimneys. When I round the house
the full blast nearly makes me lose my hold;
far out across the field the wooden gate,
loose on its hinges, beats a sharp tattoo
against the post. Their feathers all awry,
a dirty batch of rooks comes whirling by
against a sky that won't get light today –
the first cold rain comes lashing at my face
and this year's colours are all blown away.
- COMMENTS
ArjayEiffover 11 years agoAll good, with some great moments, especially:
Their feathers all awry,
a dirty batch of rooks comes whirling by
KathrynMartinover 11 years agoI love this piece. It is evocative. It has a wonderful intake of breath and then exhales again. Notice how it begins out there in the cosmos, the red sun a foreboding image of the storm that completes the first stanza.
The “leafless” woods jar against the “colours blown away” in the concluding stanza. From the first moment after I had read the poem out loud I disliked the last line, viscerally, apart from the intellectual inconsistency it presents. In the second stanza the theme of “leafless”, is transformed into action by the rustling drifts and their shifting. Add, the thin moans of whipping winds in the leafless wood, contracting to the chimney. As she “rounds” the house” she is fully present. This is no longer a contemplative musing, I could feel the push of the wind.
The image and atmosphere of the last line of the third stanza and beginning of the fourth is second to none. This is true artistry at it’s best.
And here we are at the end. The last line of the piece loses its elegance in its inconsistency and heavy handedness of the language. If I were asked I would suggest placing a period or a dash behind “face” and would say
“And, this year’s colours sweep away.”
I would not have broken it into stanzas but left it as compact as it is.
I really enjoyed thank you
Angelineover 11 years agoand very evocative, full of sensory delights. Love the way it flows, too, which makes for seamless reading and a rhythm that underscores the whoosh of wind.
