daylight different

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my sarcastic muse,
I enjoy looking at your views
and yet in sunlight it's so different
so distant and exhaustively flippant

my glass-shoe golden play boy
tell me again about your ploys
make me believe it's all the same
and give me all the blame

my proficient internet jade
enlighten me of your ways
as we party in separate closets
and give cash to different pockets

my one truth-seeking voyeur
let me in on what you ponder
in dark, eternal love we forsee
but in daylight it's just we

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  • COMMENTS
1 Comments
jthserrajthserraabout 20 years ago
I love the

title here and generally like what you saw, but this one also could use a bit of work. I wanted to see the rhyme of the first two lines carried on through the poem or dropped altogether. It gave the poem too unnatural a break on the last stanza.

I liked the near rhyme with jade/ways, it was different, which is good here. Check the spelling on "seperate" and use an apostrophe on "nothings" in the third stanza.

In the last stanza, use a dash in "truth-seeker".

You have the workings of something pretty good here. With a little work it will shine up real nice.

jim : )

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