Dear God, are you there God?

This one is from the darkest period of my life when I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I really wanted to end it all.

Dear God,
Are you there God?
Why am I asking that?
You’re always there... right?!
I went to school today.
Another fake smile and a laugh.
I’m so fat... ugly!
How can anyone stand looking at me?

Dear God,
Are you there God?
Why am I asking that?
Of course you are.
Yeah, right!
How come when I cried myself to sleep last night,
You couldn't rock me, put your arms around me,
Tell me it would be OK.
How come when my friends were too busy to listen to me,
Always complaining, too occupied with their own problems,
You couldn't lend me an ear, comfort me?
How come when my heart was breaking,
Covered in my own blood...
I didn't know if I should stop it,
Or let it flow, feel the pain.

Dear God,
I am dying.
I’m not the girl I used to be.
What am I talking about?!
I haven't been the same since the fuckin’ third grade!
I didn't know I’d cry myself to sleep every night!
I didn't know I’d be depressed, hate myself!
I DIDN'T KNOW!

Tell me God...
Do I deserve this?!
I haven't died physically yet, but me, the girl I long to be, has.
I’ve been taken away by my own tears, washed away with my own blood.
I'm so tired.
If this is what life is... I don't want it!
I don't want to deal with it!
Please, just take me... take me away, now.

Dear God,
Are you there God?
Please, hold me.