- Erotic Poetry
- Desire's Dance
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Click hereI did this piece at school so I couldn't do anything real fun. At the end can you please comment both pros and cons of it. So I know how to improve my writing skills. Thanks.ENJOY!
Desire's Dance
Bare-chested to the heart
Seeing all marks
We sit in the morning sun's cooling
Wanting, needing each other's embrace
Longing to be in each other's body
We sit in the afternoon sun's cooling
Feeling the desire stir
We are feeling the pain of sexual desire
We sit in the moon's delight
Seconds turn to minutes
Minutes turn to hours
We sit in a new morning sun's embrace
Learning to yearn for new ways
To love one another; sexual desires so sweet
We sit in a new afternoon's embrace
Her head lifts to his stiffened pleasure
The letting of sucklings to sweeten the desired
We sit in a new moon's embrace
Body shifted to lowering thighs
Nibbling her melting cream
We sit together in our personal highs
- COMMENTS
bflagsstalmost 15 years ago"Her head lifts to his stiffened pleasure/
The letting of sucklings to sweeten the desired/
We sit in a new moon's embrace" This is your best bit.
You have some good phrasing, interesting grammar. However, this poem doesn't have much that seems wholly you, some detail that would describe your personal relationship and not the general moon/sun/thighs desire of every human being who's ever desired.
Your first line isn't very strong, first lines are everything. Your second line is good. The cliche is obvious, I'm sure you recognize those lines. If you don't, start there, find the cliche lines and re-write them as your own.
