diagnosis

There was no ambulance
As my love lay dying.
And I the ever stupid ass
Could only sit beside her
Whispering “don’t go” again and again
Until the words lost their meaning
So she kissed me and left.

I went to the doctor
To try and save my love
After too many tests, needles, and lies
The results came in
I didn’t love myself enough
So why should she
I sat there naked stripped and stunned
In those little paper gowns
My ass clinging to the paper
That they leave on the bed
In the end that's the only thing you own
Some how it made sense
I was to blame in this blaming game
After all I had done to love her
It was my love that she hated after all

Her ghost is everywhere
On the arms of other men
Laughing free full, falling like water
We traded deaths she and I;
Bartered haggled and hemmed and hawed
But I am happy for her now in her afterlife
When mine comes I want to be cat
To sleep in sunpatches on a kitchen floor
Love my love with teeth and claw
Leave my liking through a little cat door

I try to bury the past
But I buried it alive
I hear it kick kicking scream
Muffled under cover covered
Like a dark seed brooding
Finger root pushing growing out
I dream it becomes a beautiful dark tree
That maybe someday I’ll dance around
Lie in its shadey night shade
Eat it’s delicious poisoned fruit
That tastes of sex
Or love
Or tears

Someday
Someday soon
I'll breathe a little breathe again
It's on my list of things to do