Dipyldium Caninum

I’d seen them in the garden,
I’d seen them in rock pools.
But one day my whole world ended -
‘Cos I found them in my stools.

Worms like limp spaghetti,
Squirming in my shit.
When I saw them down the toilet
I nearly had a fit.

I dialled NHS Direct
And held the line for hours.
Then a voice from India said
“Sit naked in the flowers,

“And watch them bloom, my friend. You’ll see
Their beauty lies within
That portly frame that you now have.
Rejoice! You will be thin!”

He wasn’t lying. In a month
I looked just like Kate Moss,
With fried egg boobs and famine ribs
And legs like dental floss.

But that was where the perks ran out –
I’m bound to have a moan.
Those bastard worms were eating me
Right out of house and home.

I served up double portions
And ate all through the day,
But nothing I put in my mouth
Would keep hunger at bay.

My life became a misery, but
You’d forgive my constant bitching –
If you could for a second feel
The way my arse was itching.

I must have caught them from the cat,
Or from the dog next door.
Either way, I made my choice –
The worms could be no more.

I marched down to the vet’s that day,
And armed with worming pills,
I came back home and took the lot,
Then counted up my kills.

I might be fat these days, but at least
The ‘Alien’ scenes have ended.
The worms are back where they belong
And my digestion’s mended.