- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Disposing of Little Men
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Little men lie in fields,
like fallen ribbons
destined for the black bird's nest.
Little men under pillows
replaced with coins by morning —
some more valuable than others.
Little men in back of speeding buses
peer through dirty windows,
waving goodbye.
- COMMENTS
emma_tateover 15 years agomostly because of the images, but there is something underneath. It makes me wonder about the title and what it really means- are the men actually little as in size? Or in mind...I like the thought of it being the mind, and when read in that context, "black bird" is not 2 words, as he is a man, out gathering thoughts of tiny racists, to hide in his pillow and wish each night as he lay his head upon them, for a voice. Like a strong blackbird voice- kaw kaw."
I liked the poem, sorry I didn't have time to tell you why in depth/
intherushesover 15 years agoI like it. Just as it is. Short. Vivid and yet succinct. especially the imagery of little men waving from the window as they depart.
Angelineover 15 years agoout of love because the poem is interesting and has potential, but it needs work. I don't think you need to expand it much, but strengthen it. First off, you need a verb in the first line of the second and third strophes to correspond to "lie" in the first one. That alone will make a big difference, I think. The other thing is that you have a simile in the first strophe ("like fallen ribbons," which is a great phrase), an implied metaphor in the second and nothing in the third. Maybe if you said something like "Little men rest under pillow/like half-formed wishes" well then you'd have an extra line lol, but I do think this poem is worth working on; the images are strong. Basically you need, imo, to make the three strophes more parallel. I think when a poem is very short like this, stuff like lack of parallelism stands out more. The other stuff I noticed is all editorial (don't need the comma at the end of the first line, "blackbird" is one word, that sort of thing), and you can fix that anytime. :-)
