- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Dreams
Note: You can change font size, font face, and turn on dark mode by clicking the "A" icon tab in the Story Info Box.
You can temporarily switch back to a Classic Literotica® experience during our ongoing public Beta testing. Please consider leaving feedback on issues you experience or suggest improvements.
Click here
You are the light, that leads me
through the dense darkness, into
life's joyous journey, of comical
Jack-in-the-box dreams.
What once, we dreamed for me,
has come ... gone. No longer
to be. Yet, you always shared
this journey with me.
Whispering words of kindness,
collecting cracker jack dreams,
to have another day. Rings of joy,
transferred, from you ... to me.
Always with a loving smile,
you lead, guidance of sincere
friendship. Harmonious love
that completes me, with just
a smile, a look, just ... you.
New dreams shared, many a
longing, I have expressed.
You uplifted that dream with
the utmost care. Taking it
to heart, valued and
treasured, as you do
everything I wish, want.
Never could anyone love me,
as you do. Never shall I love
the same. I want to be you,
one day.
A mother who loves. Always
loves, without question,
deception, greed, who
always helps lead.
My love, forever more, to you.
My mother, my one truest love.
My mom ~
- COMMENTS
LeBrozover 16 years agoThis poem was mentioned in the Archival Review thread, in a picking through Lit's archive of over 38,000 poems.
----------
EriAliSaaover 17 years agoThank you for that beautiful glance inside your heart. that truely touched me.
Anonymousover 18 years agoA very moving poem. Now, what the hell is wrong with a Hallmark anyway? LOL! There's "poetry" in them. <winks and grins>
Be careful of those commas that aren't needed, hon. Your line breaks are fine without.
twelveooneover 18 years agoRF, I am being serious here -this shows potential. First you must ask yourself, are you writing poetry or an extended Hallmark Card. Most of it is "hallmark".
This is poetry, or begins to be
"Whispering words of kindness,
collecting cracker jack dreams,
to have another day. Rings of joy,
transferred, from you ... to me."
This is a Hallmark sentiment, one would find on a card:
"A mother who loves. Always
loves, without question,
deception, greed, who
always helps lead.
My love, forever more, to you.
My mother, my one truest love.
My mom ~"
DO you see the difference?
This is flawed either way:
"You are the light, that leads me
through the dense darkness, into
life's joyous journey, of comical
Jack-in-the-box dreams."
Here is why, light into darkness is a cliche, you give no reason for it, no fresh process. "Jack-in-the box dreams" while not quite escaping cliche is not as bad as "light into darkness" and it is not a hallmark trait. To avoid the cliche, to begin to write something fresh is to focus on the lid, the handle, the music of the jack-in-the box, touching lightly (if at all) on that whole light into darkness thing.
Your commenters below have told you otherwise, you can think of me as mean, it is your choice how you wish to write, how you wish to be perceived. Just remember, I get nothing from typing all of this out, no ego boost, no maliciousness. Really, close to average.
