- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Dry River
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The day was given up
into a
turbulent run of river
and pouring of sun;
We stumbled the green
into the dark blooming
of our time.
The wish that
you were
in the dim
of my torture
denied my craving.
The sheaves of my days
shackled to bone
and flesh and the
dizzying desire,
you starved;
The primal drive from death
in my
stroking finger and
roaming tongue
found you fresh and vital;
In the sweet and static
of the park,
in the cloying lilac night
we twisted and flexed
heaving to sigh.
In the circle of dark
the lyric of your eyes
and thighs
hummed their desire into
my pores.
The promise that we
were,
and the fluid that
you consumed,
turned the sap to
syrup, and
the warm sweating night
enfolded us;
Bound us into
that dry river, that ran
into the sweeping rush
beyond our impulse;
The music on
the edge of the bank
just mouthed the notes,
until the we were tugged in;
Somehow
in the glare
and wash of light
we grew absent
and then past.
And now that night is
frozen
and the world is crisp
and stiff.
We have lost that night
and misplaced the bloom,
lay fallow driving urge.
Now a stain
the circle of dark
and heaving to sigh,
have faded and smudged,
eroded to smooth flat
Longing.
Our days now are surrendered
to turbulent flow, and
that dry river
Has swept us on
And silted that night.
- COMMENTS
awena-bover 18 years agoWonderful poem. Very sensitive and evocative, one of the best poems I have read on this site.
jthserraover 18 years agothis poem is mentioned in the New Poem Review Thread:
http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?p=15098747&posted=1#post15098747
jim : )
jthserraover 18 years agoactually finding it more erotic than the erotic poem you submitted. While I found the phrasing fresh and interesting, there were a few places that I stumbled:
The day was given up <"was given" is passive voice
into a < I think changing to a more active
turbulent run of river <voice will stregthen this first
and pouring of sun; <line.
Perhaps consider:
"We gave up the day
to a
turbulent run of river
and pouring of sun;" <your subsequent lines are active:>
We stumbled the green <"We stumbled" = active>
into the dark blooming
of our time.
The wish that <I wasn't quite sure what these
you were <five lines were saying...
in the dim <"in the dim of my torture" ?
of my torture < dim light?
denied my craving.
The sheaves of my days < This felt a little overmodified
shackled to bone <I wonder if you just said
and flesh and the <"My days"
dizzying desire,
you starved;
The primal drive from death <I think dropping "from death"
in my <make these some hot, hot
stroking finger and <lines
roaming tongue
found you fresh and vital;
In the sweet and static
of the park,
in the cloying lilac night
we twisted and flexed
heaving to sigh. <damn good lines...
In the circle of dark
the lyric of your eyes
and thighs <nice random rhyme here
hummed their desire into
my pores.
The promise that we
were,
and the fluid that
you consumed,
turned the sap to
syrup, and
the warm sweating night
enfolded us;
Bound us into
that dry river, that ran <omit "that ran">
into the sweeping rush
beyond our impulse;
The music on
the edge of the bank
just mouthed the notes,
until the we were tugged in;
Somehow
in the glare
and wash of light
we grew absent
and then past.
And now that night is
frozen
and the world is crisp
and stiff.
We have lost that night <omit "have"
and misplaced the bloom, <omit "and"
lay fallow driving urge. <I think add "the" before driving
Now a stain
the circle of dark
and heaving to sigh, <omit "and"
have faded and smudged,
eroded to smooth flat
Longing.
Our days now are surrendered <omit "now are"
to turbulent flow, and
that dry river
Has swept us on <omit "has"
And silted that night. < change "And" to "and"
Those are a few things that you might consider... Otherwise, this is a very good erotic poem, nice work
jim : )
