- Non-Erotic Poetry
- End of a World
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A glowing treasure, newly come from town,
thin tissue paper in a cardboard box
and long, pink ribbons on a satin gown:
the simple key that her young heart unlocks –
but one hour left before the dances start
it's hard to keep the joy inside her heart.
A bare ten minutes left... There is a knock;
a maid comes in and hands the girl a note
that when she reads it seems to stop the clock –
the lights turn shrill. Her senses no more float
and all the smiling world comes tumbling down
about her pretty ears in one hard frown.
- COMMENTS
twelveooneabout 11 years agoi don't think mayans had anything to do with it, if the lines where cleaner, would remind me of Sara Teasdale, curious as to influence
Desejoover 11 years agojust saw your note to me - sorry. I stand corrected on the rhyme scheme - to everyone else Demure pointed out to me its ababcc. I am not sure what I was thinking. For some reason "shrill" stands out for me though. Maybe because of the stop after the phrase in the middle of the line?
Desejoover 11 years agoThe word 'shrill' in the fourth line of the second stanza has a double effect. I am sure there is a technical term for it - but I don't know it. It doesn't rhyme as expected, and thus throws then entire stanza off kilter. Exactly like the little girl. It's a good idea, but I agree with Harry that this is not one of your stronger pieces.
HarryHillover 11 years agobut, I don't know where to start.
First: This could end the world of a young girl. I wonder at why she was stood up, although that has nothing to do with the poem. (or does it?)
Next: This does not seem to be as well constructed as so many of your writes are, which makes me wonder (again) if this is more personal and not creative.
Not making much sense. Respects
