Every Time I Think Of You

Time passes me by
Every time I think of you
It's like time is standing still
But it races by
EVERY time you cross my mind

It BREAKS my heart into a million pieces
It eats me up when I think of you
Images cross my mind
Like a movie screen
Like I'm just a viewer of all of my memories of you

All those memories were once etched upon my memory
They are slowly fading away
Like the ground being blanketed by Autumn leaves

The memories play through my mind
Over and over again
I'm passing them by
Like a gallery I'm walking through
Of BROKEN memoirs

I wish with ALL my heart
That I could have kept my promise to you
The shattered pieces of my heart
Scatter on the wind
Like a dandelion wish in the summer breeze

My tears cascade around me
DROWNING me in sorrow
I'm left wondering what to do
Every time I think of you

In my mind you are still that little five year old boy
In my mind you haven't aged at all
In my mind I still hear your voice
In my mind we are still in that moment
FROZEN in an INSTANT of time
And I still have the chance to make everything right

In retrospect I know I was too young
Too young to make that promise to you
That WRETCHED promise that still HAUNTs my sleep
Too young to know I wouldn't be able to keep it
But it still tears me up inside
Every time you cross my mind

I feel like I am on the outside looking in
The window pane is frosted
I press my face against the icy glass
Hoping to get a glimpse of what is inside
ACHING for warmth and shelter
Dying to get rid of this BITTER winter
That has encased my soul

I miss you
Like a land in drought misses the rain
Like a hostage misses freedom
Like the dead miss LIFE
I miss you so much it chokes me up
I cry silent tears in the dark
I feel it in my throat
It blurs my vision
I just want to SCREAM
I have to hold my breath
I have to CLUTCH my stomach
I have to MUFFLE my mouth
Just to stay silent
I can't breathe anymore
It hurts so much
The tears burn my face
Every part of me is engulfed with blinding pain
I miss you THAT much

Where is the Eden I dreamed I would be in with you?
Where is that moment of joy of REUNITING that I thought we'd come to?
Where are you?
In this moment when I can't think of ANYTHING else but you
Where are you?
In this moment everything I have
Everything I am
Comes crashing down around me
Every moment of misery GRIPS me at my core
I am but an EMPTY shell
Of what I once was
Of what I could be
If you were here
I feel lost and alone
Like a single flower budding in the new Spring

You are my dream
You are my home
I dreamed of where we were
Of where we could be going
But I always awake from my dreams
To my nightmarish reality

I'll spend a MILLION lifetimes searching for you
DELERIOUS with hope of finding you
Drunk on my dreams
High on keeping my PROMISE to you
I'll die a thousand DEATHS
To reach you
Just to let you know I LOVE you

Time is standing still
As it passes me by
EVERY time I think of you

*to my littlest brother, miss you today on your birthday! I can't believe you are 24! I pray this is the year I find you!*