Everyday

every day you run across my mind
sometimes with soft bunny rabbit paws
that merely remind me of the promise
of what life might have been like if things were different
other times with the weight of a sledgehammer
pounded by a steroid chasing neanderthal,
those days when your smell and your skin are so real to me
i awaken with the imprint of your fingers
still inside me
your soft sexy laugh still ringing in my ears

every single day without fail or reprieve
i am sometimes daunted and other times undaunted
by the fact that but for a twist of fate i would
happily and hopelessly be unaware of your existence
cocooned in the unreality of my reality
yet shielded from the heartbreaking details
you don't desire me
you hate me
you find me "disturbing"

every minute of ever day like the rhythmic, unending blinking of my eyelids
i find a reason to worship you
to wish you would find an instant of mercy
with which to forgive me and wonder about me
that perhaps in that second of weakness
your curiosity about something we shared
a laugh
a look
a smile
a joke
might compel you to reach out to me

every single minute of every single day like the now painful beating of my dying heart
i feel the leaden weight of the pain i carry around inside me
like a blackness consuming my tiny daily joys
knowing that you exist in all your brilliant illumination
that you have the power to shine on me
and warm me, reveal to me why i exist
yet that you deliberately choose never to do so
and that it may be in your best interest to never share your radiant light with me