- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Faces over Time
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Click hereShe gave me birth, he fathered me;
he turned down the Croix de Guerre because his
donkey got one too;
she descends from Joan of Arc's bad brother;
I held her still bloody from her mother;
he died a few weeks back, and at his
funeral I saw him, and her, and
those two (bickering);
he's bigger than me now, but his first school shirt
still sits in my drawer;
she is as beautiful now as when I
caught her then, unaware of a lens.
Us, our children, our parents and theirs,
sisters, brother, nephews, nieces: all adorn our
dark hall, framed against time but still
silently fading.
- COMMENTS
bulltlrover 13 years agoI am glad I am not the only one who didn't understand! Loved the flow... Care to share the meaning?
HAMFANover 13 years agoCould I suggest something like this for the last lines
Us, our children, our parents and theirs,
sisters, brother, nephews, nieces:
their photos hang in our dark hall,
hard framed against relentless time
soft life caught in an instant of light
silently fading still.
It seemed to me you needed more resonant contrast (dark/ light; hard/ soft) as a way of pointing our desperate wish to preserve the memories of all those we love against the dark (so imagery)
And you need more aural recall (so the breaks at hall/ still and the half rhymes life/ light/ silent)
Needs more work (even on what I've written) but still good (you know I think so because I've put some effort into these comments).
I especially like the melding flow of memory early on, the reader never sure which pronominal goes with which (but of course you do)
Maybe I should have given you a 5 dammit
PoetGuyover 13 years agoThe second strophe does not seem to Poet Guy to perhaps be necessary--perhaps just a little hint that one is touring the hallway of a great house viewing the family portraits. Poet Guy believes, but is not sure, that it should be "We" not "Us" starting that strophe, as well (as in "We... adorn our dark hall"). The first strophe is fairly vivid as imagery, but sometimes the line breaks are puzzling. A good effort, nonetheless.
twelveooneover 13 years agoWorth at least three reads (more). I question ending on "but still
silently fading." it seems a little trite in comparison with the rest of an excellent poem.
vrosej10over 13 years agoBut good imagery and I think this lack of understanding is probably me not you, so you're getting a recommendation.
