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A sullen crowd, dark shapes seen on their backs
that stand in anxious silence, staring at
the frozen figure on the balcony,
almost invisible – on either side
an orange spotlight slants across the lines
of waiting people. From behind one sees
vague contours, outlines only of their heads
and shoulders, faintly reminiscent of
an awkward icon full of saints. A thin,
bleak rain will not disperse the throng; a hushed,
distressful silence hangs upon the night
until a voice rings out that's amplified
past recognition, though its purport must
be threatening. Drenched to the bone and cold
they stand it out, a speechless, cowering fold.
- COMMENTS
greenmountaineerover 9 years agoHaunting, demure. If Ash's perspective is what you had in mind, and it's a good take even if it isn't what you had in mind, "a voice that rings out that's amplified/past recognition" doesn't work well for me because the narrative should support words in a different language (eg German vs. other [mostly] Eastern European languages or the Yiddish of the diaspora.) If fear on the other hand prevents recognition, "amplification" for me is an image that would otherwise suggest clarification. While "amplification" indeed might suggest "shouting" and therefore "fear beyond recognition," I wonder if there was a better choice of a word available.
Everything else in the poem "shouts" fear to me.
Please accept this as constructive feedback from someone who admires your poetry on Lit. You have a way with blank verse that surpasses anyone writing here IMO. Maybe it's because I've read you alot, but it felt to me like meter superseded the narrative.
